It's all good. It may be that life w/ kids is not what H imagined. I can't change that. It is what it is. I love my H, and know we were not married long. But I also realize that I must move forward, and have done a great deal to create a life of my own. I don't want my M to end, but if it does I am prepared.
Kel, yes, there are other things than the classic examples. Usually we go through periods of time where we don't speak, not usually lasting more than 10 days, and then all of a sudden I will hear from him again. I know, still cliche. I just went through this again, he finally called me Friday. I has sent him a text just to ask a question, and he called me later. We ended up having a 20 minute conversation, he initiated asking me if I was okay.
I know he is absolutely miserable right now, miserable in his life, miserable in his job. He is from Germany and has not been home in several years, so I suspect that he is missing his mom and dad as well.
I am currently reading Men in Midlife Crisis, and within the first 30 pages I kept expecting to see my H's picture.
I have a strong faith in God, and the feeling I get is that I am supposed to have great strength and patience. Therefore, I will follow that path, regardless of the outcome, because in the end, my H will remember, either way, that I loved him and did not give up on him.
But, I also have my own life. I have friends, have become active in my church, and am frankly enjoying my life. I have reached a level of peace and acceptance that I have not experienced since the S, and I am doing well. Finding the information was a real positive, but I am also not wallowing in grief anymore. And that is a relief!
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
I am bumping my own thread in hopes that Ellie will take a look?????
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Thanks Lola. Kept trying to find your thread so that worked! Yes my H said an awful lot of the same things. Kept telling me he loved me but couldn't live with me would have left me years ago etc etc We had been happy until the bombshell which came out the blue. He now says that he basically blamed EVERYTHING that went wrong in his life down to me - gee thanks! lol I don't know if you have read all my threads but please do as they will give you a great insight into what I went through and how we came out the otherside. Although at the time they think they mean every word they say to you underneath it all buried deeply they know it isn't true. Also, with PTSD there is this whole "there must be something more to life than this" thing which is usually after exposure to the trauma of war, death and near death experiences etc. Does any of this make any sense to you?
Ellie: It makes absolute sense to me. My H was in Somalia, special ops w/ German military, and saw things so horrible that it gave him nightmares. Right now, he is so lost, and my heart breaks because I know he is hurting in so many ways. He tells me that he does not love me but cares about me, that I deserve better, and that he fears that things will not change if we tried again. I think he fears his feelings will not change.
He is also in a job now that puts him in danger at times, that of a child protective services investigator. A few weeks ago, some guy in an SUV pulled a gun on him. But he says it is too boring for him, and he wants to do something with more of an adrenaline rush. Sounds like a death wish to me, and that really concerns me.
I have read some of your threads, but will look to read more. Thanks...
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
I have been talking your situation over with H and I know that I heard all of that almost word for word. H says that it is not fears that feelings will not change but fear of the past. All you want is the future but it is difficult to see one. Yes, they have lived on adrenaline for so long that they almost become addicted to it and yes they have a death wish. They want to put themselves in danger. He says that by being there constantly drip feeding him little memories of happy things that happened in the past it helped. He says at the time his hackles rose and he hated being reminded but in the end it did help. I am afraid that you just have to stand there and take the flack if you want to try and keep your marriage. Try not to despair and just tell him that you love him and want to be his friend - because boy do they need one. PTSD and MLC together is really tough and it doesn't help if they don't admit they have PTSD. I am not convinced that your H is in MLC just suffering from PTSD. His job is probably not helping him and he really needs to talk to someone. Even when my H was officially diagnosed with it he still said that he was playing the game to get retirement and wasn't really suffering from it. Have you been on any of the PTSD forums? I hope some of this helps.
Thanks Ellie, it does help. I have not been to any PTSD forums, so if you could suggest some that would be great.
One of the biggest problems I have found w/ the German military is the refusal to admit that soldiers may have suffered at all. I know the US military does the same thing, but the German military is worse. Even if PTSD is admitted, no counseling is offered as Germany does not seem to believe it is beneficial.
H was seeing a counselor for a while, but he said that it didn't help at all. He was working as a security guard in the county hospital, and once he switched jobs and the insurance changed, his C was not covered anymore, so he quit going. But he said it wasn't helping anyway.
I love my H and want to stick this out, so any suggestions and advice you can give would be wonderful. Thank you so much!
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
take a look at this site http://groups.msn.com/IraqWarVeterans/ptsdiraq.msnw. You might find it helpful. Unfortunately this is something he will have to work through himself and all you can do is try and stand still in the eye of the storm. Interesting that he did go for C and typical that he said it didn't help. That's what my H said when he saw a psychiatrist who specialises in PTSD! Whatever he says I am sure it did help somewhere deep down. I kept in touch with H all the way through. We had one period when I took eldest D on holiday for 10 days and he wouldn't speak to me. It turned out he had misunderstood something his Sols had said and thought it had come from me and also I think he was somewhat peeved that I had gone away!! There were also times when I stood firm and told him not to come round or contact me because he had been so nasty. These did not last long probably a day before he would contact me. I know how hard this is for you but you are doing great. Hang on in there.
Thanks Ellie. I will check out the site, I appreciate the help. I stand by him, try to support, and will continue to do so. I think the more informaiton I have, the better I feel because it is helping me to understand what I need to do for him.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Hey Michelle LOL!!!! I also found another site, I will send you the link on your thread later. More information.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
