Scared but ready #4

[ndsmhelp]

Something as simple as saying Please do XYZ is so much better than Make sure you do XYZ. He used to start all sentences with "make sure" and "you need to"

And if you are anything like my wife, the "requests" were followed by "I KNOW, H!"

Stricken from my vocabulary, by my own choosing are all of the following phrases...

You have to...
You need to...
You should....
Did you remember to....?
Are you going to....?
Why haven't you...?

I find myself very often now just doing many of the things I depended on her for myself. The things that she used to be very lax and laid back about getting done, amazingly, still get done without me prodding, pushing and reminding....can you imagine that???

When there is a discussion about something, as hard as it is my sitch, I try to work in as many "we's" as possible....especially if it is in reference to things that have been let go, or overlooked for a while....trying to never imply that she was solely responsible for something either, or both of us could have taken care of.

[GoingForward]

(((((Thinking of you on Thanksgiving....)))))

Have a great one!

[breakaway]

Hey, peeps, back from a long weekend, one that I was forced to go on with the inlaws. I noticed the "make sures" come from the top...

It was long and stressful for me, with some good times too. A weird twisted fight with H on Saturday, that left me turned inside out from our Alice In Wonderland discussion...that's "over with" now as I am to forget any crap he says or does the nanosecond he's finished. He was sweet on both ends of that though.

He did apologize several times for not listening to me and just letting me have a few days to myself for some downtime. Next time he'll "let me." I guess that'll be a year from now or something.

I'm just glad to be home.

[breakaway]

When there is a discussion about something, as hard as it is my sitch, I try to work in as many "we's" as possible....especially if it is in reference to things that have been let go, or overlooked for a while....trying to never imply that she was solely responsible for something either, or both of us could have taken care of.

"We" sounds nice. I see my H trying that more..though sometimes it's still just him saying whatever it is he's going to do and just saying "we" instead of "I." But it's a step in the right direction as he is beginning to consider that we ARE a we!!! LOL. And he's seeing a lot of things as being both of our responsibilities and not just mine, especially if it's something that was his idea in the first place.

[marriedCrazy]

Sounds like he's slowly coming around...

[Babygirl]

hey girl, yesterday I was so thinking of you, I was blaring me some kelly clarkson, the breakaway cd, soon as i heard the song, i was so filled with you on my mind.
hang in there, lots of hugs and prayers from me!!

[breakaway]

hey girl, yesterday I was so thinking of you, I was blaring me some kelly clarkson, the breakaway cd, soon as i heard the song, i was so filled with you on my mind.
hang in there, lots of hugs and prayers from me!!

Awww...that was nice..that is one of "my songs."

and you're nice not to rub in the Kansas win...

[Babygirl]

LOL morning friend!! I was sure thinking of ya on that too, it was a close game tho, a good battle! sigh, you just be lucky they let OU go and not the horns lol!!

how are you today?

[breakaway]

Sounds like he's slowly coming around...

I don't know how I feel exactly...It's still Jekyll/Hyde...but Jekyll gets nicer and nicer. Jekyll's really trying. Which is great, I mean a year ago Jekyll was a jerk too!! LOL. But what about Hyde? We aren't allowed to discuss him.

Weekend Journal:
Friday: I told him I wanted to stay home. He wouldn't agree, because we don't get many three day weekends, and it was Thanksgiving weekend, so this wasn't the time. "My" time comes when there is nothing else happening...which is NEVER. We've been over this before. So anyway, in order to do what I wanted I would have had to force the issue and it would have caused a big fight. So I went. But as I am "emerging" as a person, "going along to get along" is causing me a lot more internal strife. I was extremely unhappy and trapped feeling. And just holiday blues. I hid out in the loft as much as possible, which is unlike me. Anyway, I finally asked him to come up and hold me for a while, that I was feeling sad and missing my mom, etc. And he was like Why?? What's your problem?? And I'm like for God's sake, I just need some love...and he's acting like I'm friggin radioactive...he finally sits by me and sort of lukewarm puts an arm around me. He can't give me any affection if I ASK for it. I got very upset at that point...I was like just forget it. So he says no, honey, I'll hold you all night long, you know that, just not right now. So he runs off somewhere...I just sat there and thought about dying...not an option though. So...I wrote for a while...then I played Uno with everybody for a while, and when it was time for bed, H was really sweet and loving and the next day too...it was all sunshine and rainbows for a few hours...then we went to this little town to watch college football.

PART TWO...we have a couple beers watching the game. The game was going BADLY..ugh, it was ugly. And there are plenty of people there, it's a lively crowd. We play a bunch of songs on the jukebox at half time...sing along to Folsom Prison Blues, LOL, it's all going great. Then, I am bitching about the defense (I am not alone in this) and suddenly he just wigs out...I can't convey how hostile he is behaving in these exchanges, it doesn't seem like much in print...but it's just a switch flipping to a very angry guy. OUT OF NOWHERE.
H: Stop being negative. I can't take your negativity!
ME: ??? They are running the same damn play every time!!
H: You need to knock it off. Just enjoy the game.
ME: Umm...they're getting killed...what is your problem all of a sudden?
H: I'm just worried. I'm worried about how you're acting. I want a guarantee! I want a guarantee you're not going to start a fight. That you're not going to do what you did last night.
ME: What??
H: OH! NOW she's MAD.
ME: YOU are starting the fight...you're starting one right now. I'm just sitting here!!!
H rants and raves for a while about how I am, and at this point I am shrinking in my chair a bit and not looking at him..and he really gets mad and says "Don't act like I'm beating you down!!"
ME: You ARE. I didn't do anything. I'm watching a football game!
H: But you're gonna do what you did.
ME: WHAT did I do that was so terrible? What was so terrible?? I was sad and asked you to hold me...???? Now you're just running me down.
H: OMG.... You're right. You're right. I'm sorry. Sorry, okay! Let's just forget about it. Just have fun.

Kiss kiss. Flip the switch...let me just attack you out of nowhere and then say, oops forget it honey. Not another word. So I just kind of sat there, while he acted like all was well. Then we left and he stopped and got a 40 oz to drink on the drive back....wow that was fun.

Then he was all sunshine and sweetness again for the rest of the time. We did have some actual connection where he could admit that his parents are just pressure to be around. We tried to have that discussion on Friday and he just got all a mess and said I can't stand his parents. Which isn't true. He is so black and white about everything.

Anyway, obviously alcohol is a problem. I guess our lives are going to have to change a hell of a lot more if he's going to start acting sane. One day at a time. Al Anon is tomorrow. I guess I am going to have to abstain completely. I realize sometimes I drink myself just to tolerate the tension of being around him sometimes...and it's always there. The alcohol I mean.

Anyway, he was so good about so much...but he can't deal with any of my emotional needs...and he still gets angry on a dime and then back again. It's hard to detach from that.

However. Today is a new day, new month, etc.

[breakaway]

I almost forgot...he also told me this morning, before I even got out of bed, that he really wants to get off the Paxil now.

So I don't know what to do about that either.

On the bright side we were just talking on the phone and he was talking about how his dad came in to work today and just has it in for the world, so he's going to just have to let it stop bothering him, it's his dad's problem. (I think he called me from the bathroom, LOL)

And we were laughing going Serenity Now! Serenity Now!

So that's awesome if it can be us against them, instead of me against all of them...not that I want to be "against" anyone, but I feel like he'd gone over to the dark side with them and I was the odd one out. So that made me really happy that he'd share that with me and we could even kind of laugh about it and be "together".