I don't know how I feel exactly...It's still Jekyll/Hyde...but Jekyll gets nicer and nicer. Jekyll's really trying. Which is great, I mean a year ago Jekyll was a jerk too!! LOL. But what about Hyde? We aren't allowed to discuss him.
Weekend Journal: Friday: I told him I wanted to stay home. He wouldn't agree, because we don't get many three day weekends, and it was Thanksgiving weekend, so this wasn't the time. "My" time comes when there is nothing else happening...which is NEVER. We've been over this before. So anyway, in order to do what I wanted I would have had to force the issue and it would have caused a big fight. So I went. But as I am "emerging" as a person, "going along to get along" is causing me a lot more internal strife. I was extremely unhappy and trapped feeling. And just holiday blues. I hid out in the loft as much as possible, which is unlike me. Anyway, I finally asked him to come up and hold me for a while, that I was feeling sad and missing my mom, etc. And he was like Why?? What's your problem?? And I'm like for God's sake, I just need some love...and he's acting like I'm friggin radioactive...he finally sits by me and sort of lukewarm puts an arm around me. He can't give me any affection if I ASK for it. I got very upset at that point...I was like just forget it. So he says no, honey, I'll hold you all night long, you know that, just not right now. So he runs off somewhere...I just sat there and thought about dying...not an option though. So...I wrote for a while...then I played Uno with everybody for a while, and when it was time for bed, H was really sweet and loving and the next day too...it was all sunshine and rainbows for a few hours...then we went to this little town to watch college football.
PART TWO...we have a couple beers watching the game. The game was going BADLY..ugh, it was ugly. And there are plenty of people there, it's a lively crowd. We play a bunch of songs on the jukebox at half time...sing along to Folsom Prison Blues, LOL, it's all going great. Then, I am bitching about the defense (I am not alone in this) and suddenly he just wigs out...I can't convey how hostile he is behaving in these exchanges, it doesn't seem like much in print...but it's just a switch flipping to a very angry guy. OUT OF NOWHERE. H: Stop being negative. I can't take your negativity! ME: ??? They are running the same damn play every time!! H: You need to knock it off. Just enjoy the game. ME: Umm...they're getting killed...what is your problem all of a sudden? H: I'm just worried. I'm worried about how you're acting. I want a guarantee! I want a guarantee you're not going to start a fight. That you're not going to do what you did last night. ME: What?? H: OH! NOW she's MAD. ME: YOU are starting the fight...you're starting one right now. I'm just sitting here!!! H rants and raves for a while about how I am, and at this point I am shrinking in my chair a bit and not looking at him..and he really gets mad and says "Don't act like I'm beating you down!!" ME: You ARE. I didn't do anything. I'm watching a football game! H: But you're gonna do what you did. ME: WHAT did I do that was so terrible? What was so terrible?? I was sad and asked you to hold me...???? Now you're just running me down. H: OMG.... You're right. You're right. I'm sorry. Sorry, okay! Let's just forget about it. Just have fun.
Kiss kiss. Flip the switch...let me just attack you out of nowhere and then say, oops forget it honey. Not another word. So I just kind of sat there, while he acted like all was well. Then we left and he stopped and got a 40 oz to drink on the drive back....wow that was fun.
Then he was all sunshine and sweetness again for the rest of the time. We did have some actual connection where he could admit that his parents are just pressure to be around. We tried to have that discussion on Friday and he just got all a mess and said I can't stand his parents. Which isn't true. He is so black and white about everything.
Anyway, obviously alcohol is a problem. I guess our lives are going to have to change a hell of a lot more if he's going to start acting sane. One day at a time. Al Anon is tomorrow. I guess I am going to have to abstain completely. I realize sometimes I drink myself just to tolerate the tension of being around him sometimes...and it's always there. The alcohol I mean.
Anyway, he was so good about so much...but he can't deal with any of my emotional needs...and he still gets angry on a dime and then back again. It's hard to detach from that.
We aren't allowed to discuss him. 
So he runs off somewhere...I just sat there and thought about dying...not an option though. So...I wrote for a while...then I played Uno with everybody for a while, and when it was time for bed, H was really sweet and loving and the next day too...it was all sunshine and rainbows for a few hours...then we went to this little town to watch college football.
OMG.... You're right. You're right. I'm sorry. Sorry, okay! Let's just forget about it. Just have fun. 
