Beth..cool that you worked out..did you end up going to the office one? Yeah..I dunno that I'll get to walk today either, with it rainy/windy as craziness today..sigh..I miss my endorphins LOL
By the way, when we talk about the alt universe, it's a place called FB..do you happen to be out there?
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
Here is a question for those of you further down the path:
I understand the idea that the more I detach, the less my mood will be affected by H's action/inaction, words/silence, etc. I also understand that the more I GAL, the less time I will have to sit around wondering what the heck he is or is not doing, why he is or is not doing it, etc. However, I promise you that no matter how busy and fulfilled I get, so long as I continue to want my H and want to rebuild/reconcile or build a new R with him, I will continue to wonder about all of the above.
The DR book says try things, if they work keep them up if they don't try something else. It says to do small things and look for small changes, noticeable in one to two weeks. My question is how do you know, after the first result if the thing is still working?
For example, the LRT sparked a few emails and one lunch invitation. But now I have not heard from H for over two weeks. This is the longest we have gone since I started DBing. So is this "working" or not? No big deal, I can "try something new," say, send a non-pressuring email asking for some practical thing and see if that sparks a response.
My question is really, in the larger sheme of things, how do you know whether any of this is working? H left four months ago and I now know that in most cases four months is really not long enough to know anything, yet, in some cases it has been. I have seen quick turnaround in relationships on this board.
I realize I am not being very articulate. I guess I am asking for something to make me hopeful again. Right now, I am feeling like I have done all I can do and nothing seems to be improving and I am feeling frustrated.
I have seen lots of posts discussing the merits of showing your spouse love in his LL. Well, my H's LL is Quality Time - making an effort to set aside time for him where we can be alone.
Any thoughts on how to translate this into loving detachment? Right now, the man is avoiding me like the plague and I am not supposed to be pursuing him.
"But now I have not heard from H for over two weeks. This is the longest we have gone since I started DBing. So is this "working" or not?"
It may be the longest, but it was an "extraordinary" week with Thanksgiving and all. Most "men" need time to process their emotions before they step out of their shell to communicate...the more intense the emotion, the more time I would assume it takes(at least for the former DAM in me).
However, I'm supportive of experimentation. Send a neutral email to see if he'll bite. I'm thinking of sending my WAW one as well. Can't hurt if it's not perceived as pursuing. I don't think LRT advocates going completely dark. As others have said before me, you should go "dim"...don't give up too much about yourself and specifics of your GAL'ing, but keep him guessing and a bit off-balance.
Endorphins are great, aren't they? I like to mix it up with aerobic, weights, and yoga every now and again.
Good for you and your meetup group! I hope you find as much satisfaction meeting new people and creating a network of friends as I have! All the things you miss about your husband are really needs only you can satisfy when you really think about it. Remember, a healthy relationship is one that enhances our already full life and does not "complete" or "consume" any part of us.
Can I just say that you are doing absolutely great 4 months into the process?! Awesome!
- Me = 32 y/o - WAW = 32 y/o - M = 2.5 yrs, T = 12.5 yrs - No kids - Bomb, WAW moved out, D filed = 8/15/08
Thanks for your thoughts. It is really easy to get caught in the smaller moment. For example, my rigid expectation that H will stick to a pattern and if he deviates, all is lost. It makes me lose sight of things you, others and my DB coach have all tried to tell me.
This past week was horrid for most of us so I should expect that it was not so swell for H, either. And, like you said, in a normal state, often a man needs to process his feelings before communicating them, my H is certainly that way and he is most definitely not in a normal state. Plus, my DB coach warned me that he would retreat after the last meeting. Do I think she is making it up???
I want a playbook so I can see what is coming next. Fact is, there is no playbook, so I come here looking for tidbits, crumbs, any little clue as to what H might do next. I think I expect there to be a playbook because there is a script. You know how they all say the same crap to us, ILYBINILWY, etc. I guess that makes me believe there actions will all be similar, too.
Decided to experiment. Will combine DB principles along with what I have learned about talking to people with depression and do the following: send an email on Friday (waiting until Friday because people w/ depression hate making commitments)using a bit of humor (will write on behalf of the plants in the garden) to seek his advice on winterizing the plants (good to ask depressed people to give advice, it makes them feel normal without much effort on their part)in order to prevent their impending murder if left to my own devices. If I word it correctly it will ask only for advice but leave it open and up to him should he want to come by to help. I will have no expectations, not even a reply. I will be prepared for any response that may come. Then, as the DR says, I will wait, watch and note whether this was a success or failure.
Spent the drive home crying, thinking about how I am too young to spend the rest of my life alone but that I do not want some other man, I only want H. Pathetic! Then, I reminded myself of the comfort to be had in the present moment.
Here is my list of comfort to be found in this present moment: I am in a nice home I am in comfortable (warm) pajamas I have good food to eat I have people who love me I have a tv show I am looking forward to watching I do not have to make any decisions about this or any other R tonight I do not have to have a stressful, anxious or sad conversation with H tonight I am healthy I will not have a repeat performance of the same miserable fight H and I had over and over before he left I am not alone (thanks to you all)
I could go on and on and that is the point. I have a lot to be grateful for right this moment and I will find comfort in that.
Cotoffguard - I am sorry, I meant to thank you also for saying that you think I am doing a good job at this for four months. Coming from you it means a lot. You have such a positive attitude that comes across in each and every one of your posts.
And for each of you who reach out to help me over and over again, please know that I take your advice to heart and really try to remember it when I am feeling at my lowest. Thank you all very much.
{{Beth}} You are right..we do have a lot to be thankful for if we stop and think about it don't we?? I feel like you too tho, I don't want anyone else besides my hub either and, probably, in the big scheme of things, we aren't very far down the road..BUT we have come a long way
Did you see my ? about the alt universe being fb..if you are on that or do you have any idea what I mean?
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
Sorry, I did see your question and forgot to respond. I have an account but I am not going there. Some weeks back I had a meltdown b/c I discovered H had a new FB profile and I became convinced that meant there was an OW. Techguy and Cotoffguard managed to talk me down but, given my obsessive nature, I find it best, for the time being to just avoid it altogether. Helps keep me from thinking about it.
I think eventually I will get that battle behind me, but for now, I am still avoiding the site.
