I screwed up again

[Br44]

What is the arrangement with the kids currently?

No D paperwork has been filed yet correct?

[AnotherNightmare]

What is the arrangement with the kids currently?

We both still live in the house. So she takes care of them while I travel and does not bother too much when I am there. Not sure if you have read everything, but she plans to take them to Germany (when she moves into OM's house I guess). A L who has some experience with international D told me that she cannot take them abroad unless I allow it. I do not think she knows that. I have their passports (just following the L's advice).

No D paperwork has been filed yet correct?

No, she has not moved forward on that. She has not even left our bedroom. I am working on an arrangement with my boss and my company to move into a work-from-home position, which again she does not know. I still need a little bit of time to arrange for all that, so I can actually take care of the kids. I am going to push that forward this week as well.

[AnotherNightmare]

Just some journaling today:

I prepared breakfast for the kids this morning and they opened the first door on their advent calendar. It is so great to see how they enjoy this year after year and never seem to get tired of it. My D5 keeps asking me "Is it Christmas tomorrow?" Strangely enough, my D5 has only asked once or twice when her mom is coming back, typically only in situations when I do not allow certain things. My S8 has not asked at all. I am not sure if I should be happy or sad about this. I guess in the end I am sad, because I would really like us to be a family again.

Now I am sitting downstairs in my home office and switching back and forth between work and this board. I am clearly not as detached from her as I would like to be, but I understand it is a long process.

My boss checked in this morning to find out how things are going. He asked me to get in touch with a guy who is working on my transfer case. So I will do that this afternoon.

I guess I am still kind of sad today, but it was much worse yesterday.

AN

[techguy]

Yup, I hear you.

I'm very detached and that helps with the sadness. But even then, I still get lonely sometimes. Sure GAL with friends and family helps... but the loneliness is the hardest to 'cure' (short of re-marriage ;-)

The kids help too. You are lucky that you have them around all the time. I'm in a true seperation with 50\50 split. So things are really quiet every other week.

Keep up the good work AN!

[AnotherNightmare]

I have read your situation, techguy. You have come a long way. You pretty much got back in the driver's seat within 2 months of DBing. I am sure you will make it all the way.

I just found this:

"Why is it that I asked him to do more & help me more with the kids, house, etc, for years, & he wouldn't. Why now ? Why is it that when one spouse gets completely fed up, & either threatens to leave, or emotionally leaves, the one who wouldn't change, displays tons of change & starts doing everything they were asked to do long ago ???"

How were you asking? Were you asking nicely?

Were you threatening to leave? Or where you already gone?

When do "fixers" come into play?

My habit.

When a problem arises.

We are never called to duty when things are OK. We will sit back.. Watch some TV.. Drink some beers.. and play with "little man". Just waiting for the next "fix".

I "Love" you just the way you are. I understand where you are coming from.

You are looking at something behind him.. he is looking at your "boobs". How can you ever see eye to eye.

If I did not know better, I would say smartcookie was my W. Now I just need a Forrest Gump who explains it to my W the same way. Maybe I should just print it out and give it to her, but I am sure she would not a believe a word, because it is from me.

AN

[techguy]

Thanks for the positive words, AN.

I have become more and more certain that one of the biggest indicators of potential success is the ability to detach.

You need to feel good... you need it to show PMA around the spouse and you need to feel good before you can make significant changes. You just can't make big changes if you're depressed.

It's just too hard for anyone to consistently feel good if they are attached to fog-based, negativity spewing WAS.

In this regard, I feel that the seperaton I've had with wife has been a positive. It gives me the distance to detach. I think it would be harder in your situation where wife is around all the time (except for now).

So perhaps you should spend some time thinking about how you will get some distance from wife when she returns. I know you want time together to 'work it'. But you should also find ways to have some alone time to GAL and recover your well-being and positive state of mind.

[AnotherNightmare]

I think you are right on target, techguy. Detaching is the key, but it is also the hardest part.

When I think back to our problems 11 years ago, I believe the turning point that brought us back together was when I went out on a date. I had been devastated until then, much worse than now, when a friend of mine set up a blind date. I was not really open to anything, so my expectations were really low. But I think she realized I was ready to move on with my life and got interested again.

Of course, it is difficult to recreate the same kind of scenario now. But I recall a scene from Survivor a week or two ago, when one of the guys said something like "You don't need a gun in your hand, if they think you have a gun, they might give you a break." So I was thinking maybe I meet with a friend on a Friday or Saturday night and pretend it is a date. Also, spending time at the computer and being secretive about it - apart from the fact that is good for my mood and well-being to spend time on this board - might make her believe I am detaching faster than I really am. And it might actually help with the process when I read reassuring messages like yours.

I guess what also helps is that I am usually gone for 4 days during the week. The exception will the two weeks around Christmas and New Year's. They will definitely be tough.

AN

[VeronicaV]

AN,

Just checking in to see how you are doing. I hope you are well. Did you have a run today?

I know what you mean about the holidays. Right now I am focusing all of my energy on keeping my mind focused on the present moment. Fighting the memories and trying to stop having a negative attitude about the future. Right now, Christmas seems like it's one hundred years away.

Hang in there.

Beth

[AnotherNightmare]

Beth,

It has been quite a positive day. I did not even think of (calling) my W. I have been busy working, getting the kids to and from school, and as I indicated in my last thread, just got busy trying to figure out how dating actually works in this country. Since I met my W in Germany (and dating is really completely different over there), I kind of feel like Tom Hanks in Sleepless in Seattle having no clue how to go about that. Not that I am anywhere close to being ready for it, but it was something positive and just thinking about it must have released or amplified the endorphins I got from running today (did 7.5 miles).

It almost seems that this would accelerate the detaching process quite a bit, but I am afraid it might or most likely will result in "non-loving detachment". That is not what I want, so I am trying to figure out how far I can go with this. At least, I got a positive day out of it, and I am much happier than at the end of the last two days.

Christmas is definitely on my mind a lot these days. On the one hand, I imagine in my mind that on Christmas day I wake up and everything turns out to be "another nightmare", I kiss my W and we just enjoy the holidays. On the other hand, I can already feel the tension building up and it makes me feel sick just thinking about these two weeks. Well, at this point I guess I have to take it a day at a time. When she comes back on Sunday, my first priority will be to get a MC session on our calendars. Hopefully, her agreement to go with me has not changed.

Thank you for checking in.

AN

[healthydad]

AN,
Take it slowly, my friend...don't get ahead of yourself - and try to keep some of those expectations in check...As you said, detachment is the tough part - hell, it's the most painful thing I've been through in my life - but it can be so very necessary. My wife and SmartCookie have a lot in common as well - particularly in terms of the pain they suffered in the past - and reading through SmartCookie's posts have constantly helped me be more compassionate toward my wife.

One of the things that often seems to get lost on this site - is that even the WAS feels pain. What they're doing is just as confusing to them as it is to us - though we often just get exposed to the PMA/GAL that they put in front of us...which may be why it's so very vital to respond to that PMA with our own PMA.

When I read your thoughts, it concerns me that you're still pursuing your W and not realizing it - in that - if you go out on a date, it has to be for YOU - not for getting her back or fixing your marriage...I don't think you can date in order to detach - it just seems like it would not feel right - and would just be unfair to the other person.

I'm at the point now where I'm opening up to the possibility of dating (we had been sleeping apart since June - and then she moved out in November) - but I don't want to date someone just to make my wife notice - she'll most likely pick up on that strategy right away - and it will backfire in a big way. There are plenty of ways to stay mysterious - and there are plenty ways to do 180s and GAL that aren't motivated by sending a message to your W - but rather by a firm commitment to bettering yourself - and rediscovering or reconnecting with some lost part of you.

Until my wife moved out, I had no idea how much of me I had lost - and how much of that self I had obscured from view by focusing on my resentment toward my wife instead...now she's not here, I have myself to look at - and am getting a hell of a lot more clarity than I would have wished for at times.

I just picked up a copy of Divorce Remedy from the bookstore - the copy I had before was from the library - and I read it over four months ago...and figure it's time to reread it...and, with her out of the house, it's almost like reading a completely different book...as though I had to detach from my preconceptions enough to read the book with more of an open mind.

Just be cautious about MC - in my case, going to MC made things much, much worse...perhaps because my W needed IC first...I'm still going to someone myself, though I don't think my wife is.

Stay strong.