Our oldest is brilliant but was an underachiever among everything else. We weighed the options of him going to a private university or state school. My feeling was that I wasn't going to spend $40K for him to learn how to party better. He could go to a state school and transfer if his grades made him eligible. That was a consequence of his actions.
His grades were all over the place. He figured out exactly the GPA he needed to transfer and he got it. Unfortunately the minimum GPA went up .25 points and he was outta luck. Oops.
Somehow he managed to be permanently banned from all dorms at the university. He switched over to another school. He and his long term girlfriend broke up. His grades tanked. He started believing that he was a failure, that we were idiots for saying how smart he was. I instituted the following.. He took out a loan for his tuition. We paid his room and board. At the end of the semester, if he had a 3.0 or higher, we paided the loan off. If it was lower, it was his to carry. That was a consequence.
You have many options with your daughter. There is not doubt she's an intelligent young lady. Alcohol abuse, lying and stealing only increase over time if left unchecked. She is the one who has to want to get healthy. All the arguing, angst you and your spouse for and about her do nothing. You may decide a college education is a privilege not an entitlement. Although intelligent, she may be irresponsible. A consequence of her actions may mean a semester, two or how ever many it takes at a community college where she has to meet the clearly defined objectives you set forth. If she does X, Y, Z.. she's allowed A, B, C. You work with people knowledge in drug abuse/addiction to set up the parameters. She's out of whack because your family dynamics are out of whack.
You have no control over her actions.. just your actions. You get healthy, you show the kids you're safe. They'll relax and feel calmer.
In junior year our oldest (who was doing great in college) ran afoul of the law. I got to do the whole find a lawyer (didn't have a clue), drive up and down to his college, take him to court thing. I (not my spouse) took away the car and made him move into a dorm for the remaining three weeks of the semester which ended up costing @$1200 for 3 weeks. He could no longer be in an apartment the following semester.
When the case came to trial, the DA was so impressed by the actions I took, that what my son did was treated seriously that he was given a short probation for a semester.. to stay out of trouble.
Prior to that, my son had been adamant about us not visiting or coming home. With all the legal stuff, I was up there once a week if not more. We'd have time together. I started asking him if he'd like to have lunch on occasion. He did and I'd go up on average two to four time a month. Drive up the hour and a half, visit for an hour and half and then drive back. It was something he looked forward to.. and so did I.
It's a multi step process. Actions have consequences. You don't be a Nazi.. just matter of fact. Yet you provide the opportunity to just be with your child.
