You're right - I have been at this a good while - I found out about my W's affair in Feb 2007.
That post bomb time was the most horrid, devastating experience I have ever had...I held out hope that by sticking at home I would be able to show my W I was serious about my changes and that they were real - but I'm pretty sure that the hurt and pain I had caused her, prompting her to look outside of our marriage for comfort and love was simply too raw...I'm not in any way helping her out here by absolving her of responsibility...she has plenty!
I left our home in September this year and have been more actively straightening out my life via GAL...and making changes for me rather than for her.
I like what Bettou observes above - the significance of getting to neutral...and then building on friendship from that point. I think we're past that now - maybe moving into first gear...
But I have noticed that since I moved out, the interactions I've had with W have been much more positive...and for me the friendship route is the only way to go, it builds slowly on trust and trustworthiness, on selflessness, on taking responsibility and on commitment - these were the things that I was deficient in - and I need a means of showing them - friendship, I hope, will allow me to.
I'm not sure about the gender differences thing...to presume there is a fundamental difference between the male approach to friends and the female approach in the way you suggest would by extension mean that men can only be friends with men and women with women - is this your assertion? Or have I misunderstood? Tell us more about that bit of your post...
Best - GFI
Me: 40ish W: 40ish Together: 20 ish years Married: 10ish Years
