Avoid 'triangles' (google triangle fixer relationships for more examples). For example you have a triangle going between yourself, your spouse and your 18 year old. You have a 'fixer', a perpetrator and a victim. Whenever the fixer tries to do something to 'help' the other two, the fixer is the one who steps in poo. The communication should be in straight lines.. between you and your spouse, between you and your daughter, between your spouse and your daughter.
Alcoholics, any one with an addiction, is using their drug of choice to self medicate, not to feel the emotion, to handle the elephant in the living room that no one talks about. Addictions can be alcohol, drugs, eating disorders, sugar, gambling, shopping, sex, cybersex, porn.. anything that someone turns to continuously to numb out, to get in a zone where nothing exists.
One daughter is supposed to go to AA meetings and be in counseling. Another daughter has aneroxia. There's conflict at home. The kids are acting out. They are the barometer of your family. They are sacrificing themselves.
I was in a similar situation. I zoned out on online chat. I was compulsive. Sugar was my drug of choice. Both of those kept me what I thought was sane. My spouse worked incredible hours and got home late. He'd withdraw with the remote in hand, laptop on and read all at the same time. He was triple shielded from me, the kids. Our oldest kept all our attention focused on him.. rebelling against authority, running away one night, getting high. His actions kept his dad and I working together.
We focused on what was wrong with our son rather than looking at ourselves as the problem. I was in an eating disorder group. I watched a teenage girl waste away because of issues her family never dealt with.
I hated that I was the one who had to change. I hated feeling the blame was all my fault. I was told.. Heal yourself and everything else follows. It did. Eliminating sugar (which revved up my thinking and kept me hyper) and the distraction, escape of online allowed me to feel, to focus on what I ran away from. I found it wasn't a penance to be a better person but a privilege. My relationship with spouse got better, my son improved.
With any addict, they face consequences for their actions. If what your daughter does drives you crazy, go to Al-Anon meetings. You learn how to cope, what to do.
Take care of you.. get healthy. Everything else will follow.
*hugs*
PS.. as far as mediation goes, ask your lawyer what is the norm in the state of Connecticut for your situation. Your spouse has the resources of what sounds like a very successful lawyer at her back. Have yours man or woman up. Know your rights and your expectations. If you aren't happy with where it's going you can always go to to collaborative divorce where two lawyers work between each other.
It seems like you're paying too much. I'm a stay at home mom. My husband has a high level job. He's only obligated to give me 42% of his salary which includes child support for our minor daughter, not the children 18 and older. That is the best case scenario. When my daughter is 18, the percentage goes down to 30% for me. Doesn't matter what my expenses are or the contributions I made to his career. It's a formula the legal system follows.
Make your lawyer work for you, to make sure you're not giving away the bank. After all, you don't need a court mandate to tell you how to treat your children. And that's all mediation, divorce do. They decide what your obligations are.
