Hi Tom: I've been having some of those same thoughts lately...and finding myself resisting them at times though...
Those two very thoughts passed through my head today - that she's the mother of my son and that she's beautiful...
It's been strange to have those conversations with my S11 where he just tells me how much happier he is now...and I have no real reason to doubt him and his honesty about the situation...
It's an interesting question to ask oneself - if I just met her, would I be interested? Right now...no...not at all...of course I would see her as physically attractive - but I don't know if I would want to sit down and have a conversation with her anymore...but still I wonder...am I just putting up a shield? Or am I pulling away in a big way?
While reading the Stosny book tonight I had a thought about my wife and realized that it's almost like I'm dealing with two different people/situations at once...on the one hand, there is the DBing...and the actions that I would perform if I wanted to "work" on our marriage - my DB brain reads the Stosny book and realizes that there are many ways in which I played the part of the man resented her, belittled her and turned away from her...and then I realize that there's this other part to her...the part that is in crisis - the part of her that is suffering through something just terrible...and I just don't know who she is anymore...and who will come out in the end...
And tonight, for the first time since she moved out, I did not talk with her at all today...I so wanted to call and say goodnight to my baby boy...but I just did not want to talk with her anymore...I don't even want to see her anymore...
I'm learning to enjoy my life in a big way...even through the moments of sadness that still invade...but those moments are finding me less and less...and when they do, they're not as intense as they used to be...
