Another one bites the dust (2)

[No Longer BH]

Thank you friends....your compassion and kindness is what helps me get past the ugly anger that I feel at times. I see so many of you able to finally accept the inevitable and come to terms with the situation. I am inspired by your strength and wisdom, but also gain solace knowing that we all fall at times. It is part of healing....purging the saddness of what could have been from our souls and seeing what now is instead.

Today I started to pack up the remainder of his things. I moved O Enlightend One's couch and chair and dishes into the garage along with some boxes of things. I have covered them with sheets to help protect them. I am not out to screw him (well, truth be told, if I could make things hurt for him I would but that is not a healthy train of thought....)so am looking at "protecting" his things to some degree. Tomorrow my son and I will finish decorating the house for Christmas. I am determined to make this Christmas the best possible for us. There will only be 2 stockings hanging from the fireplace this year. That is hard, but it is what it is.

I have forgiven myself for the anger I carry. I know it is part of healing as long as I let it go in a healthy way. When the waves hit, I try to find productive ways to release it...I journal/cry/vent/scream in privete and then let it go. It is getting easier. There are still moments of "Why?????" but I know there are no answers. He is lost and chose his broken path, I am trying to heal in a healthier way.

I have decided not to try and have friendships with single men right now. I am not in a place where I can handle it. My three seperate attempts have all ended very uncomfortably...mostly with them wanting more from me and I am not in a place to give ANYTHING to them. I think I am just niave about this stuff. I mean, I have been with OEO since I was 17. I truly dont know what the rules are. My brother keeps telling me that men DONT want to be friends with women, they either want sex or a R. I am not in a place to give either so am pulling back. I am comfortable and happy with who I am, feel that I am attractive and know that I do have alot to offer a partner when the time comes. The time is not right yet. I need to heal my broken heart first and then I can look to moving on. I know that all men are not like OEO. I know there are good guys out there. I am just not ready to be with them yet. So, eye candy guy is going to have to be let go....and OH MY GOD, he really was hot. Again, it was a PMA thing, but I am just not ready for all of the icky stuff that comes along with this......seems the guys I meet are wanting so much more from me than I am wanting to give. Lesson learned. I will know when it is right.