Sorry, had to run and get my D. she is acting out, lying to me and it has come to a head. We just had a real good talk about it. I am trying to cement our relationship, I think she is feeling a little left out in my life, but right now she is my life. Tears int he eys now.
Anyway, the meltdown. The battle in my head is the continue to dance or pay the band and move on. I went to church to ask Him for some answers, for a sign of which path to take. I am thinking that with every meltdown, I get a sign from her, some thing. Since I do not get definitive signs of it ending with her, I can only play the odds and feel the signs from Him, the answers top my questions, may be coming from her. I am confused. I spent 45 minutes in Mass this morning and can't tell you what the priest said. I just kept asking for the answers to my questions: Is it really over or is there a chance? Do I move on competely and close this chapter of my life? How will I know when enough is enough? I know these are answers everyone going through this wants answered, but I am at a crossroads in my mind. My anger and rage are beginning to consume me and my ratioals, is sometimes waning. I am focused on what i need to do and where I need to be, emotionally. It is this detachment I think that is causing my meltdown, my defiance to her being, her existence. I do not hate her or wish her harm, but my anger and rage are unmistakeable and their target is the W. I think this week is what I need, I have to let the dust settle over this. I have to deal with myD now as she is fragile and I cannot handle her with kid gloves or she will use me as a doormat. I agree with T'Gone and AmyC's agreement over his post. I believe it as well. I know that Thanksgiving is not going to end this situation tomorrow, I know it has given me an oppotunity unlike any other over the past 4.5 months. My refuasal to get on the roller coaster is harder than giving up the drinking. Dday was right, I was still on the ride, and now I want off, and it hurts to let her go it alone. but I see no other choice other than to let ift go, finally and see if it comes back on its own. I love you all for your support. I mean it. If there was ever a way I could repay you all for your kindness, sternness and guidance I would pay it ten fold. Thanks, I will post tomorrow night, I have line dancing and now I have church in my repertoir. I'm busier than a one armed paperhanger, good for me..
