(((Guys))) I am feeling a little clearer in the head - the red rage has passed. It isn't often I get that angry...
My weekend was really nice. BodyWorlds was good, not as gross as I expected but a bit weird. I was disturbed by some things but it was very interesting. Today I met my oldest friend and told her about h - she said he was an idiot for missing out on me and thinks he isn't in his right mind... It was lovely to see her but I still cried when I told her. It seems it is still raw and it was emotional telling her. She said he didn't seem the type, that he was so lovely and loyal and the more I read here the more I am convinced there isn't a 'type'.
I have been digesting everthing that people have written and digesting his texts. Thank you all, I soooo appreciate you all taking the time to post. It is so supportive.
The more I think about the text, the more I can see that my h may be trying to help - he is just not thinking long term but crisis people don't tend to I think. From things he has said I think he believes that I love this house - it may be transference because he doesn't want to think about me loving him. He doesn't understand that without him in it this house is just a house, not a home. The mortgage break does suit him but he could have just refused to pay the bills - but he hasn't done that. So I will have to think about exactly what I want and what the options are before I arrange to see him (which I will do) and perhaps we can work something out together. He also may think he is doing me a favour by organising it, but the fact is that he has acted in a cowardly fashion. He doesn't seem to be able to admit ow. As Essie said, I do accept that he just may not be able to answer my email.
I am going to really try and keep all interactions light, friendly and as fun as possible. It helps me as much as anything, I always feel much more dignified.
I have been keeping to my allotted time slots in thinking about h this weekend and when I have found my mind wandering I have stopped myself as I know I spiral. At bodyworlds I saw where my h had his operation and what was wrong with him. It brought it home to me how much he has suffered and how scary it must be for him to think that may happen again. I don't agree with the way he is dealing with it but I understand why he is avoiding it.
Essie, I loved your sister's advice - she is so wise. I love the idea of my attention being special. I always feel as if I am invading and taking up peoples time - I have got this from h's behaviour towards me this year. But I am now going to try and change this. Like my behaviour with h's friend on the train, I was fun and friendly and it evoked good behaviour and response from him. I have been finding this out again over the past few weeks so I am going to carry this on and try and build up my confidence again.
I know we can talk and sort things out together, we did this a few months ago and we also had lots of fun that evening. I'm going to try this again. I also think that the ow may be more controlling than I thought. I do think she is influencing h's behaviour. I'm sure she would not like to think of h having contact with me, especially having fun with me. I think this is a time when you are all right. I can listen and validate, but also look out for me too. I am determined that I will protect myself financially. I need to make wise choices in this respect as it is my future - with or without my h. We need to make wise choices about our money and assets together, reagrdless of other factor.
T, I loved your two goals. I am going to adhere to them. You are right too Essie that I am in a position of power and can request a meeting. I am going to take a little longer to think through my options, I need a little more time to simmer and digest too.
I answer to your questions Essie 1. If you didnt have to pay the mortgage for 8 months could you turn that into a positive? Yes, I could save up to go away travelling and I could afford driving lessons. 2. Are you able to disentangle yourself financially from him - what would that mean you would need to do? We would need to sell the house, that is almost impossible at the moment. 3. Is there any chance that you could move out of the house and have someone rent it? This is a real option I think and one I am seriously considering. I would feel a bit 'freer' I think and no longer be stuck here with the memories. Plus this house is so not low maintenance for me and so far away from anywhere - which not being able to drive is a really pain! However it is cheaper for me to live here and it is a nice house. 4. In your relationship with H who was traditionally the most responsible financially (I'm going to guess it was you?)? It was completely joint. We worked everything out together. Neither one of us had more power. 5. Any opportunities for 180's here? I'm not sure...
