Yes, I am out of the fog...."now" thank the Lord. But, I was speaking of what I would have done as an AWAW and at the time still very deep in the fog--if my H had exposed my EA to friends and relatives. B/c of the condition I was in then, I would have left the country if I could have gotten away b/c of my humiliation. I still would hate for people to discover what happened b/c I still see it as very personal between me and my H and I would not expose him to friends, relatives, and others about his "sins" that they don't know about. However, I went back last last night (or rather....all night long b/c I couldn't sleep) and tried to read Puppy's old thread and I understood where he was coming from much better and since his wife was like she was......I'll have to say that I couldn't really blame him for what he did. Man, she was something! I think the way he looked at it was that if she was going to bust the M, then he was going to bust the A. So, he felt he had nothing to lose. In my stitch, it was not just a matter of me and my H.....not even a matter of our kids being involved.....it would have been much more.
But, I do think every family stitch is different and I will always be grateful that my EA was not exposed more than what it was and pray that the information does not get into the wrong hands b/c a lot of damage could be done by that. Didn't I think of all that when I was doing my "thing" with OM? I wasn't "thinking" at all! I was in la-la land. You talk about mood swings! That is why I am concerned about your W. However, if she is still having PMS....oh, bless her heart! That would be a double whammy! Not to mention what you and the kids have to deal with. But, I just don't think she is out of the woods yet. That's why I am leary of her being left alone.
I can understand how uncomfortable she would feel around your family. I would too! That is very personal stuff they know about her. I left my H when our baby was little (only a few days) and was pressured to go back to him. He immediately wanted me to go to his parent's house for dinner and I didn't want to b/c I knew what to expect. Oh, he promised it would be fine and that they wouldn't treat me any differently. Well, the entire family was there....including aunts and uncles. After dinner, he went in the front room with the men watching TV and left me alone with the women.....ha! He lied. They did treat me differently and I had done nothing wrong (like an A) back then. Men just don't always see everything that goes on after they leave the room. I think my H was so blind or else he could not preceive what was happening, but I nearly hated him for putting me through that. Of course when I tried to tell him what happened.....it was just all my imagination. Yeah, right! Blood is thicker than water and don't you ever forget it. And, btw, why on earth would you feel that you were lying by ommision to your parents by not telling them about the personal problems between you and your W? Do you tell them everything personal that happens between the two of you? I don't mean to be the one sounding "snotty" now, but I am just trying to understand the differences in people and families and their upbringing, I suppose. I was raised not to talk about me and my H's sex life with others, while my in-laws knew everytime any of them did anything, how it went, & how long it lasted.....lol. I guess it depends on how close families are and how you are raised. But, she may not have been raised to discuss things of that nature and although she is the one that strayed.....she will feel as though she is being punished over and over again and again everytime she has to face your family or the friends that know. That will put more stress on her and therefore on the MR. That is the downside of it. It makes her, you, and them feel uncomfortable by knowing too much personal information. So, see, I still have a hard time completely letting go of some of my original stand on how I see exposing the A to "everyone". I think, for my stitch, it would have been the last straw and no turning back--even if I had wanted to return to the M, but I cannot fully explain "why" without disclosing too much. Anyway, we aren't going to argue over it. We will continue to learn from each other as we go along this trip.
In closing, I would like to suggest that you ask your W about having a good female check-up with her doctor. Lots of changes goes on in our bodies as we get older and it isn't fun. It affects our minds, attitudes, and everything I can think of, really. I went for over 25 years that I needed surgery before I gave up to have it. Now is that crazy or what? But, I had heard such horror stories until I was afraid. Man, I could have kicked myself for not having it done sooner! I felt so much better. But, you got to have those good ole hormone replacements or you are one more b*tch, just like in the PMS days. Well, if you don't have a nervous break-down first, that is. So life is just a party for us gals, huh? Sorry it is so hard on you guys. I think my family had a secret party when I went to the hospital to have my surgery....lol.
Gosh, how do I get off on some of this stuff? I'm going to go get a nap.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
