I have to do this just to let my heart heal. I dont want to look at anyone and think "I wish you would just die you @sshole."
I can relate. I think it's normal to have some anger when we've been treated like we have, and you know the way you were treated was totally unacceptable! I think it will get better as time goes on too.
If you need the space to heal and work through anger -- then you need it. I think it's okay to be angry, and to feel it, and to want the space to deal with it.
You really have to do what is emotionally healthy for you right now. Take care of you. You are valuable. {{{hugs}}}}
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I hope that Thanksgiving went well for you. It is so good that your brother stepped up to be the "filter." I get the anger thing (wish I had more of it, actually). You have justified anger - it is there for a purpose, and I am glad that you are letting it out and feeling it. Dump it all here - we have felt it, too, and can just listen. Getting it out will make it easier to let it go. I went NC myself for self-preservation, too. For me, it was just too painful - it wasn't the anger, it was the grief.
So, with a new plan in place, tell us what you are doing for the week ahead. Any news about the Candy Man?
I agree that is it OK to be angry. Here is a quote from "The Love Dare" :
Anger is usually caused by a strong desire for something mixed with disappointment or grief. Patience stands in the doorway where anger is clawing to burst in.
That statement helped me understand why we get angry. I know I have a choice on what I desire. I also know I have a choice on if I let things disappoint me or not. These choices as well as being patient help control my anger.
*thoughts and prayers*
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I go away for a few days and come back to such loving support. You all have know idea how much my heart swelled after reading your support. Thank you so much. It has been a difficult month for me but your support and kindness has been a huge help.
So O Enlightend One has been following the rules of NC pretty well withthe exception of yesterday. He pulled up in his car and let my son out. I was over at my next door neighbors at the time because they showed up 30 min early. Son came over and asked if his dad could go into the house for 10 minutes to fix something on son's computer. I said ok, but then he needed to leave and please come and get me when he has left. THankfully I have put all of my stuff away and had locked my bedroom door so he could not see anything. Even though he came in to help my son, it still felt like it was an intrusion into my space. Guess that is the beast of divorce. I need to go through and figure out my wireless network here so that these problems dont arise anymore. I need to be the one to fix this stuff. I dont want to look to him for ANYTHING.
I had a wonderful thanksgiving and hope everyone here got to enjoy the holiday. While up at my bro's he had a conversation with me about O Enlightend One. Bro tells me he is not going to go into detail on things with me, that he will just be a filter on what OEO is asking for, but he wanted to leave me with one piece of information. Apparently in OEO's talk with my bro, in the midsts of all of his justification that he was trying to do, a conversation occurs concerning him living with maggot (guess you can feel my anger at this moment). My bro said "BH, just so you know, and I can say this with certainty, he is not living with maggot, he is staying with maggot. There is a huge difference. Now, she probably thinks they are living together, but he is just using her. You said yourself that he had an active on line dating profile and was messaging new OW. Just be glad you are no longer in that mess because from my conversation with him I could tell he was in a huge heap of seeking to find himself. He really is in a sad state."
SIL (OEO's brother's wife) came over last night. We had a really great time. Apparently my peaceful seeking STBXH is now not so peaceful. He is demanding that his brother and her cut me off. She just laughed and said "Like he has the right to chose who my friends are. He can just get over it." She told me that the only time they even hear from him is when is is depressed or wants something from them and she is sick of it. I told her that he was still their family and I know blood is thicker than friendship, yet I hoped they would not throw me away because they have been my family as well. She was so sweet and kind and said she had no intention of throwing me away. She just shook her head and commented on how messed up he is. She even giggled because last week on his facebook page he posted that he felt like karma's b!tch lately. I just laughed and said, yep, and he deserves all of it.
So, I am still trying to get to a more peaceful place. The anger has not subsided, but I think it will take awhile. I am looking at all of the positives in my life and trying to keep those as my focus. The rage comes in waves, sometimes when I am not even expecting it, but I am able to vent/cry/journal/or whatever to just get it out and then move on. He is still too much of a focus, but I am trying to stop that as well. I talk less and less about him to people and I think that is a good sign.
Thanks for all of the great support!
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
A friend sent this to me and it is exactly why I went NC:
A boundary is not defined as "something I don't like."
A boundary is defined as "something I will defend no matter what."
A very common question is, "How do I enforce a boundary? How do I make my spouse stop lying, how do I make my spouse stop dating OP, how do I make my spouse start taking care of our family instead of someone else's?"
The answer is: You don't.
Trying to "make" people do the things listed above is not enforcing a boundary. It's control, it's manipulation, it's laying down demands, etc. etc. etc.
And none of it works.
The answer to the question, "How Do I Enforce A Boundary?" is virtually always the same:
You remove yourself from the situation. You stop allowing the boundary trespasser to have any access to you at all.
This is what's meant by, "You can't control others. You can only control yourself."
You can't "make" your spouse stop lying to you - but you can remove yourself from their presence and no longer allow them around you until they do.
You can't "make" your spouse stop dating OP - - but you can remove yourself from their presence and no longer allow them around you until they do.
You can't "make" your spouse take care of your family instead of someone else's - but you can remove yourself from their presence and no longer allow them around you until they do.
Get the idea now?
Boundaries are for *you*. They are to protect you from people who would do you harm. They are NOT about "making" others do anything. They are about protecting *YOU*.
Castle walls don't make the invaders stop their cruel and destructive attitudes - but they do protect you from their intrusion.
Boundaries are castle walls.
And as far as anger goes, you will find that good boundaries will make much of it go away. Good boundaries really do make RAGE dissipate, because anger + fear = rage. Good boundaries keep you safe, and when you are safe, fear goes away. You will certainly have some righteous anger left, sure, but the RAGE will fade away because there is no longer the fear hanging around to fuel it.
Make sense?
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
I'd follow this guideline when trying to make a decision.. If the answer is no.. then no. If I can't decide, the answer is no. If I keep waffling, the answer is no.
Seems like your OEO (hee!) is trying to 'cut you off' like you are doing to him. But he is going to try to use his family instead. It won't work, and he'll see it. Funny I told xH's sister that he would be bringing them to Christmas eve dinner and she said "Any chance he is working and you can bring the kids?"
I am so glad you had a nice holiday.
Oh and your brother is soooo right, he might be sleeping at OW's, but he isn't living with her, no way, no how. OW will soon figure this out and kick him out too. SOOO nice to not be a part of that drama, huh?
