W asked me to follow up on an issue with her laptop yesterday. Dog destroyed the key pad. Went and took care of this for her as I started the repair process two weeks ago. This is the sort of thing that I need to get away from doing,I think. I feel that by doing this she is still dependant on me to help her out. Do I stop doing these little things? In the past I used to grumble when she would ask so this is a 180 to do these little errands. Not sure what I should be doing for her and what I shouldn't. I can't keep doing everything for her like I have the past five months. It has been destructive to me to give and give and get little if anyting in return. No the spirit of DBing or the season but I feel its time for me to be a bit selfish and back off as I have said before. I can't help but to think that when I am out doing things for her she is hanging out with OM. This is the most detructive thought that I have right now. Her and the OM. I am such a visual person that I see them in my mind. I have not found a way to stop or redirect these "movies". Nothing rips me up more than knowing she is spending time with him, sleeping in the same bed, making out on the couch. Worse for me is that she has any feeling for him when she doesn't seem to try to have any for me. I know love is a verb and that it is actions that bring the feeling. How does one invite the other to love(verb)? Know guys are taught not to cry but who ever taught that never had their heart ripped out like this. They never saw the one they truly love walk away with little outward regard for the LBS. We have had so many great times together adn for the most part I thought we had a happy marriage. I know my anger issues and depression caused a lot of pain in W. Maybe she detached long ago and I am the one behind the eight ball. Even though the D will be final this week I still have hope we will get back together. I just hope and pray that this is the right thing to do, working on getting back together. I need to work on me, the hardest part. I need to be happy with who I am and the learning and personal growth I have had in the past few months. There is a lifetime of growth and learning left and I welcome that. It seems I take one step forward and thre back. Every time I feel that I am "dropping the rope" it seems to strangle me again and I need to hold back on. I have made changes in many outward ways. The tough ones are those inside that need to change. I need to figure a way to stay positive, Law of Attraction in action. I need to learn to turn the "OM movies" off in my head. I need to stop dwelling on the things that are wrong and that went wrong and look for what is working TODAY. Build upon today, tomorrow and the next day then the next week. Wish the magic questions could be answered. "Will this work? Will we be back together? When will I know? What other hurt will I experience? Will the joy be worth the pain? What if, what if what if? Thats my pitty party for today. Time to go work on ME. Gym here I come:)
