Glad you found a way to cope a bit. I know the first 24 hours are he!! It does get a little bit easier.
The movies running through your mind, that takes a while to slow down, but it will bit by bit. I still get those flashes, but less and less. At first what I did that seemed to help was try to find something, however little that I could look forward to just a few hours ahead. Stupid stuff like, "tonight I get to watch ER." Then, when the movies of "us" started playing, I'd force myslef to think about that stupid show and that I was excited to see it. If you make yourself do this enough, you start to force yourself into the present moment, little by little. It is not foolproof, but it helps.
Thanks for reading my thread. I probably seem like a bit of a basket case. At least I feel that way pretty regularly.
glad to hear everbody made it through yesterdy. was a struggle but what day isn't. So I had plans, made two weeks ago, to cook dinner for W. I am going to follow through and do this for her. Seared Tuna, and all the fixins. mmmmmmm! Got to thinking about adding a bit of mystery to myself. Already have grown my hair longer than last ten years, got new clothes, not the style I used to. W as been dating and and know that I have started as well. She doesn't like this I can tell by her voice when she calls while I am on the dates. so here is the mystery, just a prop, Since she has condoms all over the house I thought I might plant so in my car where she gets smokes from. Not say a word just sit back and watch her reaction. This may be dumb and childish but I want to see what she is feeling and if this turns on a light that "hey b may not be here forever". Thoughts? Have a great night. B
Having sex with another person (or 'simulating it') is extreamly destructive. I would not recommend it.
The whole point of PMA, etc, is to make yourself more attractive to your spouse in hopes of attracting them. Running around scr#wing other people will not generate attraction from spouse. It will just piss her off and drive her away.
You want to be attractive, happy and just far enough away that wife has to take a few steps forward to reach you.
I think you should even be carefull about dating too much at this point. Most people generate GAL stuff with buddies or platonic friendships. But I know you are very, very close to D so a degree of dating is probably more justified. Just try to be low key about it.
My thread, Carpe Diem #4 Orig Thread: Carpe Diem #1
I agree with Techguy on this. One of the most important tenets of DBing is authenticity. We are so connected to our spouses that we know when something is not authentic. I think it would be difficult for you to pull off, but more importantly, you would be eliciting a false reaction from your W.
I mean, obviously, her reaction would be genuine, but it would be a genuine reation to a false situation and I am not sure that you would get the benefit you seek.
Well I didn't do it. Don't play her game. Instead I placed a pack of smokes with a short note just saying hi and I hope haer day has been good. As for the dates. I have no desire to have anything but a friendship at this point. Somebody to hang out with, shat adn go see a movie or play. I will not bring them back to my plase and have been very clear that for now I will not go to theirs. Most of the days I go out it is with guys from work. How much more fun can you have than a group of firefighters taking over a bar. I don't drink too much so its even more fun to watch them make fools of themselves. We did have our dinner lastnight. Only thing I did for her was feed dogs and clean kennels. She seemed a bit taking back that I hadn't cleaned the house. No mention of it though. Dinnner went well. I made a dinner that we had on our very first date. Chili's used to have a tuna steak that was awesome. I pretty much copied that. She loved it. Even noticed it was what we had on our first date. I have been reading that little hints of the good things that bonded us have a positive effect on the WAS. I worte and Email last week mentioning my favorite date she took me on. Thanked her for the effort and mentioned how great of a time it was. Not too pushy I hope just little reminders of things we shared when life was good. I have also seen that when we do go out make it a three stop date. Something exciting that will become a new memory. So after dinner we watched a movie. Hung out on the couch. I started by keeping my distance. She ended up grabbing my arm and holding it and snuggled up to me. Later she ended up resting her head in my lap. Odd for somebody that says they don't love me. It these little thing, rather I read into them too much or not, that give me hope that we will be toghether again and that there is something there. As I left she gave me a nice hug and thanked me for the nice evening. This morning she txt me that she was on her way to work and hoped it would be slow. This is normal for her. What is not normal is that about an hour later she txt me again to thank me again for last night. Ugh!!!!! I like to hear that but fear the rollercoaster has not stopped and will not stop anytime soon. She asked if I wanted to go to the gym adn then a movie Tues. I told her I would think about it. I want to as she usually isn't the one to ask me out. At the same time how can I keep my distance. Again UGH!!!! I get soooooo many mixed messages from her. Anyway off to the gym. Working on a six pack. Never had one so this will be a great GAL, PMA etc for me. Not only that I will look better for W or whomever. Maybe I will pose for a firefighter calender, lol NOT.
I think you are wise to take hope from the positive signals she sends you, like affection. You also seem to recognize not to make too much out of them or to get your hopes too high. Give yourself some credit - I think you are handling things well.
As for Tuesday, if you want to accept her invitation, then I think you should do so. Remember, there is emotional distance and physical distance. Plus, in the early stages, when the WAS starts reaching out I think it is important to reward that behavior with a positive from the LBS. While one should not appear to be too available, one cannot turn down too many invitations or they may dry up.
Sounds like you have a pretty good handle on things. Keep up the workouts, too!
W asked me to follow up on an issue with her laptop yesterday. Dog destroyed the key pad. Went and took care of this for her as I started the repair process two weeks ago. This is the sort of thing that I need to get away from doing,I think. I feel that by doing this she is still dependant on me to help her out. Do I stop doing these little things? In the past I used to grumble when she would ask so this is a 180 to do these little errands. Not sure what I should be doing for her and what I shouldn't. I can't keep doing everything for her like I have the past five months. It has been destructive to me to give and give and get little if anyting in return. No the spirit of DBing or the season but I feel its time for me to be a bit selfish and back off as I have said before. I can't help but to think that when I am out doing things for her she is hanging out with OM. This is the most detructive thought that I have right now. Her and the OM. I am such a visual person that I see them in my mind. I have not found a way to stop or redirect these "movies". Nothing rips me up more than knowing she is spending time with him, sleeping in the same bed, making out on the couch. Worse for me is that she has any feeling for him when she doesn't seem to try to have any for me. I know love is a verb and that it is actions that bring the feeling. How does one invite the other to love(verb)? Know guys are taught not to cry but who ever taught that never had their heart ripped out like this. They never saw the one they truly love walk away with little outward regard for the LBS. We have had so many great times together adn for the most part I thought we had a happy marriage. I know my anger issues and depression caused a lot of pain in W. Maybe she detached long ago and I am the one behind the eight ball. Even though the D will be final this week I still have hope we will get back together. I just hope and pray that this is the right thing to do, working on getting back together. I need to work on me, the hardest part. I need to be happy with who I am and the learning and personal growth I have had in the past few months. There is a lifetime of growth and learning left and I welcome that. It seems I take one step forward and thre back. Every time I feel that I am "dropping the rope" it seems to strangle me again and I need to hold back on. I have made changes in many outward ways. The tough ones are those inside that need to change. I need to figure a way to stay positive, Law of Attraction in action. I need to learn to turn the "OM movies" off in my head. I need to stop dwelling on the things that are wrong and that went wrong and look for what is working TODAY. Build upon today, tomorrow and the next day then the next week. Wish the magic questions could be answered. "Will this work? Will we be back together? When will I know? What other hurt will I experience? Will the joy be worth the pain? What if, what if what if? Thats my pitty party for today. Time to go work on ME. Gym here I come:)
Thank you for visitng my thread and offering me your thoughts on my issues.
I am having a fairly bad day and not want to spread that around, so I will keep this brief. I just wanted to let you know that I am keeping up with you and am here to offer any help and support I can.
As for having hope for reconciliation after your divorce, I say, why not!! In fact, there is an entire forum on this website dedicated to folks who are in the same situation who still have such hope.
I have read it on here several times that the divorce part is just business. The emotional part of your connection has nothing to do with that. So if you want to keep DBing, hoping and working on things, then I think you absolutely should do that.
So today is the day W and I are going on a date. I still have mixed emotions about this. Don't mind talking to her but the sight of her gets me upset and thinking about OM. I feel like I am at the point where I don't want to live without her but at the same time I dont' want to be around her. Not sure if this is good or bad. I would still love to work things out and one day get back together. Guess it is ging to be a good thing we will not see much of each other this month. I am tying to do the things Michele's books and other resources tell me about GAL. Not easy as I am still attached. It is however getting easier to get further away. This is a scary time. It is hard to trust that these methods work. Seems so counter active to what your dream end result will be. Faith in what you are doing helps you through. Doubt that this is walking away from R is hard to hold back. PMA? Must be the hardest thing any of us can keep doing right now. It is the thing we must do the most of. Kind of funny, I am not a very religous person but find myself praying five or six times a day. This seems to keep my PMA in an up swing. Not to say there ae not times it goes in the crapper. Another thing that is helping is "tapping", simular to acupuncture but tapping with your fingers and no needle. Kind of a learning curve but the more I do it the more it makes sense. Results may just be in my head but they are results none the less. Some places on the net call it EFT. Has to do with your energy meridians etc. Figure what the heck can't hurt. So, our date tonight. Do you think it ok to take her a flower? Maybe non red rose that means something like friendship, new beginning? Or is that pursuing? Hard for me to tell what is pursuing and what is just being romantic and traditional. I am a very romantic person so this is a struggle for me to hold back. LOL, get myself together and my head straight and I make a good catch if this doesn't work:) Better not think about that option, PMA about this R first and foremost.
I could not tell from your post how this date came about (sorry if I missed something). The reason I ask is to try to help you figure out whether to take her a flower or not. I guess I need more information.
I think you should make sure you are able to go to the meeting with confidence and to be able to be calm and steady. Check in your gut about the flower. My gut says at this stage that might be too much, but only you really know your situation.
Are you both in agreement that it is a "date?" I ask because you need to be careful about setting your expectations too high.
