Thanks T'Gone, means alot coming from you. I am sure she is going through qwhatever it is she is going through, but she is doing it with OM. And that my friend is a pill no longer swallowed by me. I have now put up my own wall of containment, one that lets in everything I want and everything I need, she is on neither list. My anger and rage at her now is very large inside me. I have no deisre to see her or talk to her. Went to friends last night who asked me about her and our situation. Told them there is nothing to discuss, she is with OM, pass the chips. I do not know what she saw, thought or what ever onthanksgiving, nor do I care. What I do care about is how everyone responded to me, how kids felt about me, and what everyone saw IN me. I am a very good person, I am very kind person and I am now a very in control of my life person. Comments about how she looks physicvally possibly due to her drinking, her emotional condition and her depression are being weekly comments to my ears. I don't really care to hear about it. I cannot fix these things so I am telling everyone not to tell me anything. Obviously they all ask the same thing "Don't you care about her anymore?" My response is quick and hard "She has someone in her life to care about her now, she doesn't need me, I no longer need her. the longer she is with OM, the farther away I go. The outcome is in her court, and the finality of it is coming soon"
I do hope and pray that she regards what she saw and witnessed in me on Thanksgiving, I hope she remembers the times I was all things to all people like I was this past holiday. I hope this is the situation my therapist mentioned and I have read about as the one thing that would set her mind free of the fog, I will not bet anything on it, I just hope. She was most likely with OM this weekend, friends that had told me he was not welcome, I have found out, have welcomed him. this will strengthen her bond with him, no doubt. Enough said about that. I am attending my first full church service in a few. I am looking to put this in the hands of a higher level. I am looking to see if I can gain more insight into myself and if I can ever begin to forgive the pain she has put me through and continues to do. I think long and hard about her with him, and possibly others over the past couple of years that she has traveled away from me, and the thoughts are not kind. Again, my anger and rage are huge, emotionally and mentally. Hopefully, church, the latest chapter in my life, will help me with this. I need to know that she pains over her decision, I need to know that there is regret in her heart and in her head, I need to know that she thinks about us....These are things i need to know so I can move on and get these other thoughts out of my head. I know it is not right to want to see her in pain, but I can't help running it through over and over. She has chosen her path, I did not lead her, guide her or push into this darkness, she chose it. Her pain and confusion and whatever else she may be feeling is self inflicted. I have tried early on to let her see me, now I don't care if she does. As I posted earlier, and not to pat my self on the back too much, but at the end of the day, whoever ends up with me as their emotional, physicall partner, wins. i am the prize, she is not.
