I am so glad that you are getting all of these wonderful signals from your H.
Can I ask you, what do you believe made your H seek treatment and ways to cope with the depression? I know I cannot force my H to get help. I am more curious if there are certain personality types which make one eventually work at getting better versus those which make one abdicate and stay in the misery.
Mine excercises like a fiend, but clearly that is not enough. I know he will need to do more, therapy, possibly medication. Just do not know if he'll ever see that.
Ask me anything you want at any time! In terms of H seeking treatment, maybe it is a personality thing. He's always been the kind who is singleminded about something to the point of obsession. Once his unhappiness was out in the open, he did everything to "fix himself" as he'd put it. This included buying and reading loads of self-help books, taking yoga classes, and eventually the psychotherapist. He knew he wanted to talk to a counselor, so I'd hooked him up with a DB coach. This helped him get on track with exercising, socializing more etc. She told him that he might want to see a therapist, and so he did. As far as I know he's never gotten anti-depressants though.
Does your H realize he is depressed? I assume you haven't talked to him about it, but wondering whether he opens up to you at all? Have you spoken to a DB coach? Do you have any mutual friends who could maybe get through to your H in the way that you can't right now? So sorry you have to deal with that. I know how tough it is.
So just on my way home from errands in town. Have been gone about 4 hours during which time H has texted twice, once just to tell me he's hungry. This is what happens when I give him space!
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Great that you've been with your H the past 4 nights. Am on my blackberry now, so didn't see if you posted on your thread. I'll take a look when I get home.
You are right that I can't push or am more likely to get a bad answer. My take on where H is now is that he's 70 percent in the marriage camp, but still having reasonable doubt. I think if we can make it through the New Year with continued pleasant times, we will be much closer. He himself sort of alluded to this with saying he needed to adapt to things, and that after the New Year we could do MC.
Thanks for mentioning that saving an M doesn't have a timeline. I agree. H is always setting deadlines, but I think we are well enough on track that that's OK now.
I am very happy to have this chance, and will do everything in my power to make the most of it and go at H's pace.
Hope you're having a good weekend!
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Thank you for giving me that information. I have suggested to H several times that I think he has all the symptoms of depression but he denies it to me. I have spoken to a DB coach and my IC. Both agree since he denies it to me, I need to stop pushing that on him. I stopped mentioning anything over one month ago.
His boss who is also a mutual friend of ours asked me about two weeks ago what is wrong with him. When I asked her why she was inquiring, she said he is acting "unprofessionally" at work and she is concerned. I gave her my theory and some contact info for people who help lawyers w/depression. She and I agreed I need to stay out of it. My nephew and he were friends before all of this and he has been reaching out to H, but H won't return his calls or emails - withdrawing. I think he will have to hit some sort of rock-bottom first.
I think it is great that your H has texted twice in only four hours of being apart! That must be an amazing feeling after having been separated. Good for you! And good for you for getting out some when it would be so easy to give into just spending the lazy day at home!
hey ITH - this IS a positive, but it may not yet be piecing. I had this stage too .... I called it "the evaluation". My H went through his first stage of getting away from me and deciding it was all over. I asked him to consider it carefully, as he was throwing a lot away. He agreed to. Then I concentrated on GAL and tried hard not to push (I didn't always succeed). During this time I could see H looking at me (from the corner of my eye) looking puzzled. I concentrated on working on ME only. On making MYSELF happy. H had gone from "I want out" to "leaving will hurt, staying will hurt" to "I can't see much of a happy future for us together, but I accept it's possible, I'm going to wait and see". (note these are not his actual words, rather my assesment of how he was).
I believe you're likely to be in this last stage I've mentioned above. Your H may not know HOW you can be happy together, but he has accepted that COULD happen. I agree 100% with what Beth has said about running, this sums it up perfectly. Slow and steady wins this race. I know you can do it!
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
Sounds about right. It is certainly an evaluation stage. I am glad that he has actually said that it is nice being together, but he is clearly still skeptical at least in terms of specifically committing.
I can wait him out with the R talk at least. This is not an issue for me. If it were up to me, we would go at least 1 month without talking about things. I can do slow and steady. I really can!
By the way tonight H has been pretty sweet. He came up behind me in the kitchen and hugged me. This has not happened since the bomb...
Now I'm home entertaining myself while he plays video games. he has checked in on me a few times to see what I'm doing :).
Jen, thanks for coming out of hiding to post to me. I really appreciate the insight!
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Feeling like I just want to get on with things, make our future plans and express love like we used to! Then reality sets in and I realize I'm not to the finish line yet...:)That's OK though. I am a completely different person to when we started this process, and each day I surprise myself with the things that I do. We used to fight constantly. I always blamed it on H having a bad temper (which he does). However now that I do not react to anything at all, he doesn't snap at me anymore. Michele is right that if one person changes the dynamic changes. There have been a couple of times where H has gotten annoyed at small things, but I have yet to take the bait. I'm remembering, would I rather be right or would I rather be married...
This morning we got up, and I made H breakfast. He said I was cute, and was generally nice. My ex (from 8 years ago) emailed me that he is going to be on an archaeological dig in Bulgaria, would my H and I like to visit. Ex has a serious GF, and my H is absolutely not jealous of this ex, actually really likes him as a person. So I told H about this, and he actually said he'd be interested. This would likely be in February, so another semi-agreement to future plans, and moreover to getting together with friends as a couple. Last night again there was a very small reference to future talk. We were talking about the computer, and I said that I wished we could have gotten this other really cool kind, and he said "that will be our next computer", implying a couple of years down the road...For my part I don't jump on these future references, but acknowledge them positively and move on. I don't want him to get spooked.
Now he's at the gym, so he'll be gone for a few hours. I'm making sure not to get the least bit annoyed or clingy when he does his own thing. I am pretty emotionally exhausted to tell the truth, but I do feel that it's like training for a race or something. It's tiring to start the workouts at first while you build up muscles that haven't really been used much in the past, but then it becomes easier and part of the routine. It's becoming second nature to DB in the house. I'm not near the breaking point, even though from time to time I get frustrated. I'm going to take this slow approach at least through the new year, then re-evaluate. That will give us time to make it through 2 major holidays.
OK enough journaling for now. It's a sunny day and I need to get dressed and take a long walk while H is out. He lost his keys, so I need to be home when he gets home...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
So I mentioned in my earlier thread that I'd heard from my ex and he'd invited H and me to Bulgaria. My Ex is a professor who is on sabbatical doing archaeological work for about 1 year. Over Xmas/New Years he will be in the Czech Republic and sort of asked if we'd be free at that time. H just got back from the gym and I brought it up casually more saying that I'd gotten a strange Xmas invitation, and just wanted to let him know... He actually seemed really interested!
As I said before there is no jealousy with this sitch, plus my ex has a very serious GF. Still, I have to admit that of all things, going through a marriage crisis and spending Xmas together with an ex BF sounds a bit odd. Thing is I think they'd have a lot of fun together. They've only met once, but H has always only said good things about him. Maybe it's time for us to have new traditions and hang out with different people anyway though, so it could be a lot less stressful than hanging out with close friends. Not sure why, but I have a really good feeling about this as a potential holiday.
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Wow! That is great that he seemed interested. I think it could be good to get away and do something a little different. I am assuming that ex knows nothing about your current sitch. Not that he needs to- it would give you and H a chance to go as a couple. I can see how having close friends around with the holidays can be stressful- they will be evaluating your actions and R.
I hope that my H will be willing to get away with me over x-mas. I would love for us to just spend time together alone- no family around to cause stress or pressure.
I think it is a great opportunity.
Me-36 H-30 T-7yr, M-3yr DivorceBusting Saved my marriage! sep 6-08 to 12-08. Together again, things are good!
If it works out in terms of cost and such, I am going to "push" for it. I put that in quotes because I will not be pushy in any way whatsoever, instead will just let H know what our options are in terms of costs, activities etc., and let him know that if he is into it, I'd be happy to book.
Though it has been an absolute nightmare dealing with this sitch while living abroad, if things work out, it will have been a blessing. Only 1 of my good friends knows about this, and I have made her swear not to even tell her H. So, if things work out, H will never have to face the embarrassment of being around people close to us, and knowing that they know what happened. I don't know who H has talked to about things, but I suspect that it's mainly been his family and not friends. We really don't have any close friends here, so that makes things a bit easier too.
Yeah ex knows nothing about the sitch whatsoever. In some ways I think though H is not jealous, that because we would be around an ex, he might also be marginally more affectionate. I feel like that's just human nature.
I hope you can go away with your H for Xmas as well. Maybe I shouldn't say as well because at the end of the day we might not go anywhere.
I'll take a look at your thread now :).
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!