New Here-From Newcomers- hoping for more input...

[istherehope]

Hi Opt,

I will post more later. I promise. In the meantime, just wondering if you are on FB? Wanted to send you a message there...

ITH

[optimistwife]

Hi ITH,

yes I am on FB- actually I am already on your friends list- I am the one with Piglet next to me...

It is my turn to be skittish today. Just got home from work and H has taken the remainder of his things- old papers and notes and stuff. It may not be a big deal, but could be also. Feels like it at the moment. It is the final steps to having really nothing left at the house. I was hoping things would move more in the other direction instead.

He is coming back over later to spend the night. i just have to remain cool and not lose it. Remember the long term goals. It makes me wonder what his family told him to do over TGiving. He's been in a funky mood all week, especially after.


I need to stay strong but my stomach is turning again. This hasn't happened for a while.

[istherehope]

Hi Opt,

OK I'm sending you a message after I post. I was thinking you were already on my friend list, but couldn't remember who :).

While I would feel the same in your situation, i.e. with your H taking his papers and such, please try to remain calm. This is a rollercoaster, and just because your H is feeling like cleaning out his stuff today, does not mean that he has made a definitive decision about your M. Honestly my H has done all kinds of screwy stuff and I'm not beyond getting upset by it by any means, but when I look back I realize that the things he was doing mirrored his strange mental state at the time. For example one week he hid the picture of us together, and on his video game I saw that he titled one of his towns "D-vorz". Since then the picture has come back out, and no more marriage ending terms in his video games. I know it isn't the same, but my point is that they go through so many emotions, and if your H is depressed like mine was, this seems pretty typical...

If I understand right in your situation in any case, there is the possibility to move away somewhere together in the not too distant future? I know this hasn't been decided one way or the other, but it might help to see that as the fresh start to aim for rather than living in the same place in your own town right away? Just a thought...

Him continuing to stay the night with you is very good, IMO. I really don't think he would do this if he was sure he wanted things to end. I wouldn't worry about what his family may have told him over Thanksgiving either. Chances are they want him to recommit to the marriage in any case.

Also I know this may not help, but in my own sitch, just before things got better, they were unimaginably bad. H had signed up for a roommates service, and was totally planning to move out. All signs pointed to him transitioning away from me, rather than back to me. H was so caught up in his own unhappiness, and I was the one variable he thought he could remove to improve his life. I think we had to go through that to get to where we are now, which obviously is still not reconciliation but is a lot better. I guess what I am trying to say there is that I have read from other success stories that things really do get worse before they get better. If you can remain calm, cool, and collected, your H may in fact see that he doesn't need to pull back from you. If you don't acknowledge, or perhaps just validate, him being moody and removing his things from the house, he may just move forward and back toward you.

I think you are doing really well, and are in a place that many people here would love to be in. Please hang in there!

ITH

[optimistwife]

Hi ITH,

Thanks for being there. H came over last night and I had dinner ready. He was a bit distant and kept busy doing stuff on the computer (he goes back and forth between checking sports stuff, e-mail and FB). We put in a video in the background and pretty much just hung out- I know from your posts you know exactly what I am talking about...

I did bring up him moving his stuff- but tried to keep it positive- "hey I saw you got through a lot of your old papers and stuff". He kind of was evasive- said 'what do you mean" and I replyed that it really helps to get all that stuff cleaned up. He said that he needed to organize all his notes and stuff and it needed to be done. We just kind of left it at that... Nothing further.

We played with dogs and he seemed okay but a little irritated at the dogs jumping around- which when he is in a good mood/frame of mind he doesn't mind at all.

I guess I do see it as a good sign that he is still visiting at the house- but I do have this underlying fear in the back of my mind of what happens when he has taken all his things from the house. We are getting dangerously close to it! Still has tools and workout stuff in the garage. I was kind of hoping he would start moving a few things back in - or at least leave a set of clothes over.

All in all I handled it okay. I pretty much kept as up as I could, got a bit sleepy on the couch. We went to bed and he fell asleep watching videos. He stayed on his side of the bed and no cuddling, which is pretty different from just a week ago when he was comfortable with affection and ML.

You are right about the depression thing. This could be a swing again. He does tend to cycle- I have just lost track that the recent past has been an UP. I do know that he can't be happy with US until he is happy with himself. As we go down on the rollercoaster right now I guess I just need to put my hands in the air and say Wheeeee!

I know that H will be going somewhere at the end of school in May/June. He won't find out until March with his internship programs, but he didn't apply anywhere around here. I would welcome the chance to go with him and have a fresh start- a new adventure. Of course that is dependent on him in so many ways.

I was thinking this morning that I am making several assumptions-which may or may not be right. I am assuming that H is contemplating what our M and future holds. I am assuming that he knows what I want. I am assuming that he knows that I want to move with him where ever he goes. I am assuming he just doesn't know yet.

H does not seem able to bring up any R issues- hasn't been able to the whole way through so not sure how this would change now. But I am trying to follow through with the DB protocol and not bring things up- and let him lead the way.

And- thanks for the FB message! I can't access it at work, but saw the note. It does sound interesting. I am open to whatever at this point!

thanks for the support.

[optimistwife]

Well, have had some e-mail conversations with H. This is a fairly safe way for us to talk when he feels like it... He is headed back to his apt today, which I think is good for us right now. He spend 5 nights at the house.

I kept it light and started by asking him about football. He wrote back and told me he was going back to watch football and do stuff around his apt. He said it was good seeing me for a few days and he hoped I had fun. I wrote back that it was great to see him and his smile, and commented that he seemed mentally and physically exhausted- which is understandable given the stress of school. He said he was beaten down, but 1/2 way done with his last year. He repeated that it was good to see me too, and he would talk to me later...

I kept it light and 'as if'. It seems like he needs some alone time again, so I will just back off and wait for him to take the lead again. I am working until Tuesday and he is back in class on Wed. My hope/goal is that he will invite me over to his apt this week/weekend to visit. Back to his turf and his timing.

I'm not bringing up x-mas for a while...

[istherehope]

Hi Opt,

Well glad to hear that you've been emailing. I also think that it's good that he said it was good seeing you for a few days.

Maybe he really is just beaten down from school, and whether he says it or not, you can bet that he is feeling guilty and the M situation is exhausting him too.

5 nights together is a very good thing, IMO. I think if you can keep up the acting as-if, maybe this will help a little bit with his guilt. Once he realizes that he doesn't need to add your feelings to his list of worries, perhaps he can relax a little bit more around you, and open up a bit more.

Has your H seen anyone for his depression, or has he admitted at all to being depressed?

You're probably right not to bring up Xmas. Do you have backup plans just in case? That way you won't feel compelled to bring it up and will be able to wait for him to do so.

Let me know (on FB please :)) if you do end up taking that suggestion. Given where you're at now, I'd really recommend it. Couldn't hurt anyway!

Hope you're having a good day...

ITH