Sorry I was away and without a computer for the day. I'm glad everything worked out in the end. Now you need to make him stick to the agreement. You both are so hot-headed. Leahsbeau is exactly right. You both need to learn to control what you say to each other.
Although I do take part responsiblity, I didn't do the "cheating" or did I treat him with the verbal abuse that he has treated me with over the years.
Its only really been since the kids were born that I got more and more intolerate of his words and gave it right back to him. I treat people the way they treat me. You get what you give.
He is hunting again today, Which normally I would be ok with, but he's already gotten a deer, Whatever, Im too sick to care about that right now. S3 is crabby and doesn't feel well either.
We planned on getting the tree this afternoon, we'll see if that happens or not. If not, we'll just go tomorrow.
You know I always listen to what your opinion is Sara, I do respect it. Just that yes we both may be fire signs, I tend to tone mine down for the kids, I don't like to fight in front of them. Im not making excuses, but ive been with him for almost 20 years, and he can be very mean, more cruel than I could ever be.
Anyways,
Im going to get so more tea...
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
Yes, I know. My son and I can't maintain a decent conversation, ever. He is a leo, I am cancer. But then the next day he tells me he loves me. I can't say it; I'm still dwelling on the garbage that he spewed.
I think you are all very rundown in that house. Have you had your AC/heat vents cleaned? Perhaps there is mold problem that you are reacting to.
Well, all I can say is "Thank the Lord", Tal - your H seems to recognize the wake-up call for what it is. But don't let him off the hook just yet. And don't feel too bad about contacting the L, because if he hadn't snapped to after that, then you would be needing the services of a L anyway -- know what I mean?
Originally Posted By: Sara
You both need to learn to control what you say to each other.
I think saying enough of everything is what's required -- and that includes the hot-headed words too. We all need to be as open and candid with our spouses as we can be -- short of being mean-spirited of course -- because suppressing honest emotions from the other will only work for so long.
I wish I had not been so cowardly as to have held my tongue so long from my W. Sheepish attempts to "spare" my spouse from my angst never works for long. Eventually the pent-up emotions have to come out -- and then it becomes more than sharing, it becomes detrimental.
That's why we're advised to not let the sun go down on our anger.
(I also wish my W had been even half as tolerant of opposing opinion and vented words as she prided herself in being. While W thinks the least little argument between a married couple spells doom for the R, I, on the other hand, expect there to be conflict in even the best of relationships, and if there is a lack then that is an indication of something seriously wrong itself.)
((((Tal)))), I really hope this is the start of getting your M back on course; it sure looks very promising to me.
I hope y'all don't think I meant that Tal should muzzle her feelings when dealing with her H. That isn't what I meant by controlling what they say to each other. I meant that they both need to control the choice of words used so as not to be damaging to the other person.
For example, at the Thanksgiving table with my family, my husband said something that I took as demeaning, and mean to me. I felt myself start to boil. I got so angry in just a moment's time. And I turned to him and said in a very calm voice, "That was a very ugly thing to say to me, and I'm very angry that you said that." And he apologized. I know it surprised my parents. If one of them says something the other doesn't like, they launch into a screaming match that can last an hour, followed by silence. I wasn't done with my anger at that moment, we talked about it again the next day. But at neither time did we allow it to get out of control. That is what I mean by controlling what you say to each other.
Tal can't do it alone. They need to find a way to control their words to protect the relationship together. If they went to Retrouvaille, they would learn to do it there. Without Retro they will have to find a way to control the ferocity of the arguments on their own.
And I didn't think you meant to imply that people should suppress their feelings -- I just wanted to post a warning in case anyone got that message wrongly.
I agree that one should always consider one's words before speaking (Goodness knows I am weak in that category.)
Retro sounds like it would be a good course of action here.
I know all of your are out for my best interest and I love each one of you for it.
Sara, Im right there with you. My h forgets the arguement within minutes, I can't do that. Although obviously I have learned to be more forgiving, but still have my reservations. This behavior my H displays is also learned behavior. His father was like this, Until he mellowed out a bit over the years (can't stand the man) he manipulates My H, Thank the lord he lives in florida!
I know conflict isn't always good, but its sometimes necessary. yes I bite my tongue, but over the years I do it less and less.
Nc~ thank you, and yes Im not always good with watching what I say, but my H does not EVER bite his tongue, and this ends up hurting me a lot.
Retro is just not in the cards right now. With his schedule and I don't think he's going to say ok to that right now. I wish it were different.
and don't worry nc.. Im not getting my hopes up, just to be let down again, ive learned that over time with him. I do hope he means that he will try, we'll see.
Im going to call about a mold test sara, something is going on, ive been sick on and off for 2 to 3 wks, I can't take it much longer.
Doc.. you've got mail.
Got our tree yesterday. It was a quickie because I actually got sick in the bathroom an hour before and was not in any mood to go anywhere, but the kids were all excited to get the tree.
we got it home and decorated it. Looks nice. But I need to get some lights for it. I swear i just bought new lights last year They don't make things the way they used to.
we're in for some rain and snow this afternoon... H is out hunting again. he'll be home early with the bad weather coming.
I have one more trip to the mall to make next wk and my shopping is done. I had to do things real early this year because of going on vacation.. so all I have to do is wrap. Got my xmas cards picked up from sears... omg.. My boys are so freakin cute.. I could just eat them
Thank you all again... you all cheer me up.
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
It was a quickie because I actually got sick in the bathroom an hour before
Morning sickness, maybe? Sorry, had to tease you...hope you feel better!
Glad you and H talked. I think as women its hard for us to see just how insecure our husbands can be. I know mine was, for a very long time, and I didn't see it at all. And they don't come out and say "I am insecure you don't need me and love me anymore". They will lash out and test you.
They don't make things the way they used to.
