Maybe I should be in piecing part 4?

[Hope4us]

Sandi, oh Sandi. At the risk of offending you, which is NOT the way this is intended, you sound like to me your fog has cleared. And I mean that in the most respectful way. Some of your arguements about exposure and the reasons you've used for why it would have made you walk sounded so....foggy. I understand completely where you're coming from, I really do, but I was thinking about this last night....

My W still hangs on to the idea that I'm the one that has damaged things almost beyond repair because I exposed to OMW, our kids and a few, very few close friends. What she seems to not get is that there is only ONE reason that OMW, our kids and our close friends know about her affair. That's because she HAD ONE.

Oh golly, not sure I want to get into this, but here goes.

I understand all the dynamics of why people have affairs. I really do. I understand the "I didn't go looking for this" and I understand how once involved in one how difficult it can be to get out, but the fact remains, if a WS would have come to their spouse and actually talked to them about how they were feeling and that something was wrong in their marriage and they tried to work on it and it just didn't work and then they divorced, that's one thing. But to start an affair and then re-write the marriage history to justify the affair means (to me) that they give up the right to secrecy. That secrecy is exactly what allowed the affair to happen in the first place.

I also understand that there are many WS's that feel like they've conveyed to their spouse they've been unhappy for years and their spouse didn't listen so they justify their affair saying "my spouse didn't listen when I told them how unhappy I was".

And I also understand that every sitch is different. I was reading another article last night that said that when WS's have affairs in a "good marriage" that the recovery is all that much more difficult because the WS HAS to rewrite the marital history and demonize their spouse to make the affair ok in their minds and that some spouses NEVER can face the fact that their marriage was good to begin with and that THEY are the one's that were the cause of the affair and not anything their spouse did. And I'll go to my grave thinking that's the case in our marriage. Was I perfect? NO. Did we have a good marriage before, IMHO, YES. I know that doesn't do anything for me where we are right now because in her reality, I was an "animal" and was the cause of her straying. So I have to work towards trying to save our marriage from that point of view, but I'll argue till the cows come home that our marriage was GOOD and that's why it's so difficult for her to let go, because then she would have to face the fact that she did this to our marriage and I just don't know if she'll ever be able to face that.

Ok, now back to my regularily scheduled sitch.

I agree with you Sandi that my W is in a very weak place right now. I have mentioned to her already that it scares me for us to be separated for 4 nights a week for 4 months or so at this point in our marriage. I didn't press the issue at the time, but the seed has been planted.

W was really up and down yesterday. I think she's PMS'ing, which doesn't help matters, but it was almost funny how her mood changed from one minute to the next. Even S16 said to me "what's wrong with mom today"? I went to a H.S. state championship game yesterday afternoon. A small school just outside of our hometown was playing so I thought I'd go. I know a number of the kids and their families so I thought it would be fun. I asked W if she wanted to go and she said "it's on T.V. isn't it" and I said "yes" to which she replied "Uh..no, I'll stay in the warmth and watch it on t.v." Can't really blame her there.

But when I left she was in one of her down moods. I got to the game and a bit later TM'd her that I'd seen the Pastor from our church in our hometown. She replied with some fun TM's but then a really snotty one. So I didn't reply. After the game I saw where she'd TM'd me a couple times during the game and the last one (at 5:00) asked me if I wanted her to make Taco's for dinner. I called her when I saw the TM (at 5:25) and said taco's sound good if she wants to make them and she said "I'll see if I feel like it". WTF? 25 minutes between her nice TM offering to make dinner and when I replied and her mood changed again.

I get home and she's pretty much ignoring me. But I keep talking to her and she opens back up. Golly she's a mess.

Ok, so today is the trip to my mom's for pseudo Thanksgiving. My mom is 77 and can't do the big meal like she's done in the past so she just has a regular lunch at her house on the Sunday after. And W had been saying for a month that she was going, but in the last couple days she's been doing her best to back out. I haven't really said anything to her about it. I'm not going to give her a get out of jail free card. If she doesn't want to go, then she's going to have to say so. But HEY, she's upstairs showering right now. So that means she's going. She did ask me last night what stores were at this shopping area not too far from my mom's. I told her I wasn't sure. I think she'll probably use that shopping area as an excuse if she's feeling uncomfortable at my mom's. And that's ok. She NEEDS to see that my brother isn't going to treat her any differently because of her A. But I'll understand completely if she needs to get out of the house for a bit. In fact, I know exactly how she feels. For a long time I couldn't stand to be at my mom's house for longer than a couple hours when W was heavy in her affair and my mom didn't know. It just felt deceitful to be there with mom and lying by ommision.

Ok, I've rambled enough. I'll update when we get home this evening.