AN: There are different philosophies here about how to deal with an OM...Puppy - if you haven't already found his thoughts - believes in challenging the spouse and setting up clear boundaries...while I agree with Puppy - I don't know if it's right for everyone - in many cases, challenging the WAS does just push them deeper into the arms of the OM/OW...
My wife had an EA three years ago - and I saw signs of another starting up just before she dropped the bomb...after she dropped the bomb, I simply said to her, that since we are married, I expected both of us to respect that until we were not - and by respect, I meant that I would not want to have a conversation with a woman that I would be embarrassed to have in front of her - and I asked her to offer the same...I don't know if she's honored that - but I know that she heard me...
But back to your sitch...always take a long, deep breath before tackling any of these emotional tangles...just as you did. You will not be able to fix your marriage by fixing your wife - heck, I actually don't think one can fix a marriage period - rather I truly believe, after having spent several months reading through different threads on this board - that people must fix themselves first - there is no other way - since an inauthentic self has no way of being loved and offering love in an authentic way.
Also...don't forget what's in the DB/DR books - and what is repeated all over the place on this board - you cannot believe what she says at this point...even if she says she's willing to leave the country without the children - that's not something you have to work through now - those are just words - and they're words coming from someone that is trying to navigate a troubled terrain for herself...
I might add that running is not your GAL - it is your habit - it's part of what you do - and while I don't think it's something that you should have to give up - perhaps you should spend some time thinking about some of the other things you have given up in order to maintain your interests...
As for me...only now...since my wife has moved out, have I finally come to understand what it means to GAL and have a PMA - before she moved out, I kept thinking of things to do "to change her" or "to make her notice" and, obviously, nothing worked. Now that she's moved out I can see things more clearly - and understand the value of going to a cafe like I used to - or getting together with a friend for a drink and a conversation - or taking my children to a farm (as I did today). Until she moved out, I didn't realize how much of myself I had given up - and there were things about me that I would never have considered lost...until I found them...like my sense of order in the house, or my calm, or my compassion for her. Sorry to hijack....just kind of found myself thinking/writing out loud...
