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Originally Posted By: Kelly23
my mind goes a million miles an hour. I hate that.


There's an answer for that... it's called Celexa.
I'm serious!


There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
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Kelly23 Offline OP
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Is it difficult to wake the next day? My sleep pattern is extremely screwed up right now. We have three more weeks of school until Christmas break. Hopefully I can make it.

I feel like such a failure as a wife and mother. But I can tell that I am getting closer to throwing in the towel and moving on with my life. Now I need to decide if I can stick it out until my youngest graduates. I guess if I live her 3 more years. I will definitely know if it is over. Can I make it that long?


M:38
H:42
T:20 M:19
D:18 S:17
MLC: Sometime in 2007
OW Bomb 1: 12/28/07
OW Online relationship 2: Spring 2009
Told him I wanted D: May 10, 2009
D final: 07/09/11
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I don't know if you are on ADs or not, but I think you should seriously consider them.

I had always been extremely against them. I don't like medication of any sort, my mother is anti-medicine (she's an "anti-anything-unnatural" vegan so I was brought up in a house where we didn't even have asprin!!!). But at one point I finally realized I needed something to help with the emotional ups and downs of my situation.

So I decided to just try low-level ADs (10mg Celexa). Big difference!!!! I didn't feel drugged, just that the things that were bothering me weren't so painfully bad. I found that the extra serotonin helped me think more logically and less emotionally so I could make better decisions and react better to whatever situation I was in.

Looking back I wish I would have tried them back when I was in your situation. I might have avoided years of difficulty and pain.

Anyhow, that's my two cents.

So... in what way do you feel like a failure as a wife and mother? You are doing your best, but you are in a very emotional, mixed up and depressed state. Everything looks bleak from your perspective and it's difficult for you to see anything positive right now. So, of course, you are just digging that hole deeper.



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Originally Posted By: SteveInTN
Chin up girl... take a step back, rethink the whole DB philosophy and make sure that you are implementing. I'm not hearing that you're done, and any marriage w/ kids is worth saving. It can be done. Even if your choice is not to save it, self inflicted punishment like you described above is something you have to learn to deal with right now, for your own sanity. I feel ya so much on this one...


I'm still thinking what I was thinking last week. You ask if you can make it three more years and suppose you will "know" at the end of that whether the marriage is worth saving. Think about that... You are NOT done! Get back to the basics of DB'ing. Start doing things right and see if you can't save this marriage! If you are thinking that you'll give it three years for the sake of kid(s) then make it worth your while. If nothing else, if you go back to basics and GAL then you will start feeling better about things in general.

And yeah, WHY in the world would you feel like a failure as a wife and mother? Come on now... get your chin up and start MAKING yourself have a PMA. You didn't fail, he failed you! I really think you ought to quit thinking about divorce and start thinking about giving yourself a boost and doing what you can to save the marriage. Even if the latter fails, you will feel better knowing you have gone above and beyond.

Steve


Me: 43 XW: 41 Kids: 4 (3D & 1S)
M: 17 yrs S: 9/07 D: 6/08
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Kelly23 Offline OP
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I will talk to my counselor about the meds. I felt I had been improving until the holidays hit.

I guess I feel like a failure as a wife because I have a loveless marriage. My husband continues to say hateful things to me and I take it. How did I let it get this bad? Why didn't I fight harder?

I worry so much and am so depressed, that I am not a good mother. I spend too much time just lying in the bed thinking, worrying about the decisions I make, letting my daughter see me stay when she knows I am hurting.

I am sick of all of it. Tired of it controlling my mind.


M:38
H:42
T:20 M:19
D:18 S:17
MLC: Sometime in 2007
OW Bomb 1: 12/28/07
OW Online relationship 2: Spring 2009
Told him I wanted D: May 10, 2009
D final: 07/09/11
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 277
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Kelly23 Offline OP
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Tried really hard this week to not let everything bother me. Felt some relief. Spent time with some good friends for dinner two nights this week. That always helps. I have the best friends in the world.

Having trouble connecting with husband. I can see that he is trying harder to make a connection after we went to the see Fireproof. The problem is that I have become so distant, I do not feel comfortable with him now. He never touches me and the other night he started rubbing by back. I have ached for a long time for his touch but when he touched me, all I could do was flinch. I did not want him to touch me. I am not sure how I can ever let him back in my heart. It is like he is a stranger now. The fear of him hurting me again is stopping me from being close to him. I refuse to go through all that pain again. How can I rebuild my marriage like this?


M:38
H:42
T:20 M:19
D:18 S:17
MLC: Sometime in 2007
OW Bomb 1: 12/28/07
OW Online relationship 2: Spring 2009
Told him I wanted D: May 10, 2009
D final: 07/09/11
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 277
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Kelly23 Offline OP
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One of the things hubby has done to help is pay the bills. Tonight he was trying to log in to pay the cell phone bill. He went to verizon instead of verizonwireless and of course the log in would not work. He acted like a two year old, yelled at me because i must have been the one that messed it up etc. I take the computer, go to the correct site and log in. I do not say a word just sit it back on the couch. Five minutes later he is still mad and starts yelling at my daughter for nothing.
Episodes like this make me hate him. He is such an a$$hole sometimes. Why am I wanting to stay in this nightmare? I am not sure.


M:38
H:42
T:20 M:19
D:18 S:17
MLC: Sometime in 2007
OW Bomb 1: 12/28/07
OW Online relationship 2: Spring 2009
Told him I wanted D: May 10, 2009
D final: 07/09/11
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 469
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Kelly,

I REALLY think that you ought to take your threads back to the NEWCOMERS forum. You aren't divorced yet and to me it sounds like you aren't quite sure what you ought to be doing. Over there you will get MUCH MORE action on your threads and advice on what you ought to do. I've said it several times now... I think you ought to get back to DB mode and try to save your marriage. There isn't much good that comes from divorce and to me I'm not hearing that you are so far gone that you couldn't save things. Please... consider this.

Steve


Me: 43 XW: 41 Kids: 4 (3D & 1S)
M: 17 yrs S: 9/07 D: 6/08
Pre-Sep
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