OK I don't know why but for some reason tonight i am losing it, have been losing it for a couple days now to be honest. I have been much angrier/snappier with my kids these past few days. Not today, today I was very loving, kind, patient with them b/c I know it is wrong to let my anger/anxiety loose on them, but I feel guilty I was short with them on Wed. especially.
Tonight I just feel like I hate my husband. This morning I wanted to punch him in the face. Like, repeatedly. It is so not good to have him in the house. It is a constant reminder that here is this guy who loved me, married me, spent 1/2 my life with me and now he is just deciding he is tired of trying so, what's done is done, oh well.....it gets me so very angry.
I tried not to act like it bothered me this morning, but it bothered me very much about not going to his family Thanksgiving. I had so much I wanted to get done instead today (update banking, clean, put away fall decorations, etc), but I also wanted to be at the gathering. But I wanted to be there as his WIFE.....not co-parent.
I did pretty well at the gathering, we were there for almost 7 full hours, lots of time with family who love and care about me. When we got home, I figured since today was H's day he would have the kids. I went right down to computer to update checking. Haven't caught up entering statements into Quicken software, only up to mid-May...
So S falls asleep on the way home, I put him right to bed. Then D is upstairs with Daddy. I hear him turn on football. D comes down to "help" me and spends her time sitting behind me getting her doll's comb stuck in my hair repeatedly...I love her to pieces but I wanted to get some work done.
At ten after nine I take her upstairs and ask H when he wants her to go to bed. He says, whenever I want her to go...I told him I thought it was his evening with her since I would have her all day tomorrow....He got defensive and said fine, I went and got her pajamas. Came out to dress her and he was grimacing. I said, "What's wrong?" he said, "I have a really bad headache." I said, "No problem, then, I will put her to bed."
H got more pissy, "No you wanted me to do it..." I said, "Yes, but you said you had a headache, so I wanted to be helpful" He basically snorted/eye rolled at my helpful comment....Took her into our bed to read.
Then he said he's going to go to Atlantic (1 hr away) after she is asleep to get his tractor. The weather was rain/snow mix on the way home from the party, so he said he couldn't do it until tomorrow. I said WTF how can you do it in the middle of the night? He said, "I will be home in 3 hrs" I said, but the weather is bad, he said, "It will be worse tomorrow..."
Then he went on a rant about how I say I want to be helpful but this morning when he said he was running to Atlantic I said, "No, you can't" (What I said was, If you are going to get the kids up, dressed, fed, ready to go to the party, and make your party foods you said you would make, how do you have time? B/C I didn't want him using me to make everything easier for him, for him to take off to Atlantic, show up in time to leave for the party, and have me get it all ready and send him off without me (I thought I wasn't going))
Then he said, "Later I said I would go and get my big truck so I could take the kids to the party and you said No". Honestly I can't remember what that was about, again I think it had something to do with the timing and what else he needed to do before he left for the party, I honestly can't remember what that was about.
So now he is upstairs with D in our bed, the bed he won't get in with me, reading to her and putting her to bed. The one thing I want most in the world is to be married to him and raising our kids together, to be a team together, yet I find myself almost hating him at times. So angry that he is f'ing up our marriage. That whole thing about remove the plank in your eye before you look at the speck in someone else's....he keeps picking out the most random things I say/do and throwing them back at me as reasons we "just won't work"....or how "nothing ever changes".
Like I did 97 things right today but the 3 things I did wrong=impossible to be married. What an ass.........
Sorry for the long rant, I feel calmer now. I just reallllllly need to work on my detaching skills if he thinks he can keep sleeping here. (His sis is at his mom's until Monday, he claims he can't stay out there now b/c she is there).
