Thanks. I had not thought about it that way. You are right.
Journaling
I was watching a movie tonight and I remembered some advice I gave someone else on the boards yesterday. The advice was that it is important to be authentic in all of our actions. Because if we are not authentic about any change, the spouse will sense it.
So tonight, I followed my own advice. I took off my wedding rings. How can I tell my H that I accept what he tells me about his feelings for me now and still wear the rings he gave me when he felt something very different for me? How can I truly accept what he tells me if I don't let myself feel the pain of his words, if I shut them out and just pretend for his sake that I really heard them?
Taking off the rings he gave me seems to hurt more than I thought it would. Maybe that is because I chose to take them off.
I won't put them on again until he asks me to. So that means I may never put them on again. I put them in the jewelry box he gave me for my birthday one year. It was sort of like putting my heart in a box, or at least a part of it.
I am afraid that next time I see him, their absence will spark a relationship talk. I do not want that. I am prepared - I will just tell him the truth, that I have accepted that he no longer wants to be married to me and have put them away for safe keeping. Hopefully that will stop any further conversation.
I have solved my own dilemma regarding contacting him. He walked away from me and our life. I may have given him some reasons, the rest are his, but he walked away. Why am I so worried about helping him? He must realize, on some level, the damage he caused. I know he knows he hurt me. Where is his concern? How many hours has he spent pouring over books trying to figure out how to help me? Is he agonizing over how to approach me so as not to spook me, all the while validating my every feeling and concern? Is he crying every day for his loss?
Maybe this is what detaching feels like. Somehow, I thought it would feel better than this. I feel like somebody just died. I feel angry and scared and hurt and desperately sad all at the same time.
Life is so unpredictable. I had no idea I would end up here tonight, with these feelings, I mean. I guess the phoenix has to burn before he can rise from the ashes.
