10/8/05 married 2/28/07 S born spring of 2008 trouble started 7/13/08 W moved out 8/21/08 served D paperwork 11/3/08 confirmed OM
I have done a ton of reading about marriage, affairs, relationships, etc. I am having a terrible time GAL and "moving on" as I wait for my spouse in limbo-land.
I have seen that approx. 25-30% of marriages that are affected by an affair actually stay together and are stronger. Is this because the betrayed spouse stays strong for the marriage and doesn't move on to another man or woman? I can see how easy it would be to get caught up in another relationship to help feel better after being betrayed.
Have you read the DB books or other authors on Affairs. I too had trouble DBing and some days I am successful, some days I do not do as well. But the more I read these posts I know that GAL works.
I think that the 25-30% number of marriages restored would be higher because in time many of these WAW do have a change of heart but sometimes it is the LBS that no longer want to restore their marriage and have moved on.
Does your relatives know about the A, her parents? Who has your son? Do you have contact with your W? What is the OM like? What attracts her to him? These are some of the things that you need to think about.
Support here is a God send
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
MC, from your post it is unclear what you want to do. It is probably not a good thing to get caught up in another realtionship before you are clear from the M.
MC, from your post it is unclear what you want to do. It is probably not a good thing to get caught up in another realtionship before you are clear from the M.
I agree with that. It sounds like you have read DR? Posting here helps me and others also.
It sounds like you're still undecided, but I've heard when you are ready to give up you will know it. So I wouldn't worry about it, GAL, try to live as fun & fulfilling life as possible. Be the best you inside and out. Things will work out. I think it's kind of like that saying something like" When man plans, God laughs? Karen
Hey - thanks for the replies. I found this site about August 1st when I registered. I have read Divorce Remedy and have skimmed Divorce Busting. I should probably re-read both.
My W started acting funny in May and June. I knew something was wrong, and did everything to convince myself that it was a mental problem my W was having and not an affair... I wanted to trust her.
She kept spending money irresponsibly so I finally said I can't live like this any longer. And we split everything up and she moved out to her parents place (MIL & step-FIL live in the same town). They all claimed they wanted us to get together, go to MC, work out our problems and move on with life. Later I found out MIL and step-FIL had friends follow W and knew what she was up to about mid-July. At about the end of July, I spoke w/ step-FIL and he told me he was 99% sure there was no OM but I should file for D. Then in Oct he told me he was the only one being "honest" w/ me... in other words I should have known when he told me there was no OM that there actually was OM.
Also, many from my W's hometown are not surprised based on W's history and MIL ("she is a real piece of work"). She did the exact same thing to FIL ... step-FIL was the OM. MIL and step-FIL have been married for approx. 15 yrs and MIL has had multiple affairs (2 of which I have direct knowledge of) yet they are still working on their marriage. The only person that doesn't participate in the fantasy world is BIL and step-MIL. But they are not in a position to help - and probably couldn't anyways.
When my W moved out. I said I would take care of S and she should go figure out what her "internal conflicts" are and fix her "depression, stress, being tired" etc. She said she would do that, but she is not going to leave S completely. I said OK, and my mother helped me to find a joint custody parenting schedule from divorce cases. So we are splitting time 50/50. I have fought for extra during the holidays and had him for a week vacation back in Sept. W complies because this is more time she can spend w/ OM. I learned early on that I can not stop her from going with OM because she would just have MIL watch S and exchange - while she was out with OM. So I have taken S for extra time above my 50% whenever possible.
Recently (Nov. 3rd) OM posted pictures on facebook of them throughout the summer ... I had an idea that she was with this guy, but I had no proof until then. He is a golf-pro... and this all started when she was taking golf lessons with co-workers at the course he worked at. In the beginning it was fine, but then she started staying afterwards for drinks and eventually started sleeping elsewhere.
Now that they are out in the open, everyone is giving me information on them. They have gone to weddings/receptions together in front of W's co-workers, etc. OM is nicknamed "Drunk {OM}" by people that know him and know of him. His dad is a major shareholder at the regional bank my W works at. They are extremely loaded with money. He has a trust fund. Doesn't work during non-golf season and takes trips to go places and get drunk. I've also been informed this is not the first married woman he has been involved with and was actually "fired" from his own bank a few years ago. His parents have made him do some sort of alcohol treatment (AA or something). He had a GF when he got involved w/ my W. He also knew full well my W was married and has a child when he pursued her. My boss who saw him interact w/ people at a wedding reception said this is the first "spoiled rich kid" (like seen in the movies) he has seen in real life.
I have limited contact w/ W (a few minutes on Sunday nights when we exchange S). She doesn't answer calls and only will text/e-mail when she needs something. I have been told she is out every opportunity at the bars. She is buying shots for everyone, even people she doesn't know. She is trying to find as many friends as she can possibly get. Her parents watch S while she is out on the town and it is her time to care for S. I hope to have primary care eventually.
In my state, you can request conciliation and your spouse will have to go to a counselor before D can be final. I have found a SBT that is familiar with MWD's methods. I have had one IC session with her and was happy with her. I am going to let the conciliation happen when it happens. I'm not forcing it now b/c it will do no good as W is fully in affair.
I am not pursuing outside relationships and am 100% for saving my marriage and family. I just don't have much to post and don't get much in response because my W and I have such little interaction together.
I guess I'm just looking for hope. I'm looking for ways to improve results with limited contact. I'm looking for the "magic bullet" that will end this affair so we can move on with our lives.
I'm looking for answers, but know I won't have them until this is over.
W has cut off contact with most of her family, all of her old friends and my family. My neighbor mentioned she pulled up beside W the other day at a stop sign and W immediately turned her head away in shame (or whatever) when she saw who it was.
Neighbors are shocked that we are going through this. We spent so much time going on walks together, spending time at the park w/ S, etc.
Looking back, the focus of our family was our S and not our relationship w/ each other.
This happened b/c of money problems (her spending, my conservative planning), hectic work schedule for me, lack of career ambition on her part and more.
Hey, MC. It sounds like OM is an alcoholic to me. I think treatment and AA don't work unless they are seeking it, not their parents. I don't believe your W will ultimately find happiness with OM with all the problems he no doubt has related to that. I do think a lot of times the WAS kind of replay their parent's marriage at least my H has. His parents divorced after 18 years of marriage and his mom had affairs, and H seems determined to repeat that pattern as much as possible.
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I am not pursuing outside relationships and am 100% for saving my marriage and family. I just don't have much to post and don't get much in response because my W and I have such little interaction together.
I think that all sounds good to me. I think it's best to go dark as much as possible when they're in the full-blown affair. But even a few minutes a week you can look your best, work on making yourself happy, keep yourself busy GALing. That's to make yourself more attractive to your WAW, but also will help you also.
Good that you're taking your son as much as possible. I think the WAS' parenting skills seem to suffer, sometimes a lot, at least from what I've seen in my life and others here.
I'm sorry that I don't think there is a magic bullet but there's always hope. I don't believe your W's R will last from what you describe, and that may change your sitch quite a bit. You may not want an R with her though at that point!!!
It sounds like you've got some guilt as if you are responsible for your affair. Yes, everyone here or at least most of us here, would probably admit to mistakes in our marriage as we are all not perfect. I think in my case we both made mistakes in our marriage, as in most. But the LBS didn't go out and sleep with someone to try to "solve" the M problems, as if that would ever be a good idea!!! Yes, work on yourself, but I think often our WAS are having MLC or just depression or addiction or whatever the case may be.
BTW, you said your W is looking for friends and buying shots for them. Maybe eventually she will realize they really aren't friends, but more leeches. Karen
Ever since I found out for sure that OM was the OM for sure, I have done very well going dark. W and I have nothing to talk about since we split everything up in July. We should be talking about S's life, schedule, routine, discipline, etc if we are going to co-parent, but she says "you just care for him when you have him, and I'll care for him when I have him." In the past I tried to reason with her... D is hard on children. He will have issues later in life, etc. She just said "He will turn out fine - I will make sure of it."
After trying over and over to "educate" her, I've been told many times here that it will not work and isn't worth my time. And, it only pisses me off more. So I have stopped all that.
I think their relationship will deteriorate as well, but I want my family together - and I'm not sure that it will happen even if OM and her don't work out.
Everyone tells me W is saying she is D and doesn't mention S. They can tell something is funny with their relationship, and the people that know my W and OM know she is only in it for the money. My W needs someone to take care of her.
I wasn't as cooperative as she would have liked because I don't like debt and don't have the sense of entitlement that most in their mid-20's have.
At this point I'm almost more angry about what she is doing to our S. Lately he seems to be depressed. He'll be 2 in Feb, and he seems to be sleeping a ton and hasn't been eating as well as he has the last few months. I could be paranoid, but he has been acting different. Overall, he is a very happy and intelligent little boy. Which is great - but W thinks that just justifies that she isn't hurting anyone with what she is doing.
I'm not sure if I feel guilty or what. I do want to take blame for my part of our marital breakdown. I just want a partner in life, and I feel like I really tried to have that w/ my W, but from the beginning she was looking for her way out and set me up.
