Hey - thanks for the replies. I found this site about August 1st when I registered. I have read Divorce Remedy and have skimmed Divorce Busting. I should probably re-read both.
My W started acting funny in May and June. I knew something was wrong, and did everything to convince myself that it was a mental problem my W was having and not an affair... I wanted to trust her.
She kept spending money irresponsibly so I finally said I can't live like this any longer. And we split everything up and she moved out to her parents place (MIL & step-FIL live in the same town). They all claimed they wanted us to get together, go to MC, work out our problems and move on with life. Later I found out MIL and step-FIL had friends follow W and knew what she was up to about mid-July. At about the end of July, I spoke w/ step-FIL and he told me he was 99% sure there was no OM but I should file for D. Then in Oct he told me he was the only one being "honest" w/ me... in other words I should have known when he told me there was no OM that there actually was OM.
Also, many from my W's hometown are not surprised based on W's history and MIL ("she is a real piece of work"). She did the exact same thing to FIL ... step-FIL was the OM. MIL and step-FIL have been married for approx. 15 yrs and MIL has had multiple affairs (2 of which I have direct knowledge of) yet they are still working on their marriage. The only person that doesn't participate in the fantasy world is BIL and step-MIL. But they are not in a position to help - and probably couldn't anyways.
When my W moved out. I said I would take care of S and she should go figure out what her "internal conflicts" are and fix her "depression, stress, being tired" etc. She said she would do that, but she is not going to leave S completely. I said OK, and my mother helped me to find a joint custody parenting schedule from divorce cases. So we are splitting time 50/50. I have fought for extra during the holidays and had him for a week vacation back in Sept. W complies because this is more time she can spend w/ OM. I learned early on that I can not stop her from going with OM because she would just have MIL watch S and exchange - while she was out with OM. So I have taken S for extra time above my 50% whenever possible.
Recently (Nov. 3rd) OM posted pictures on facebook of them throughout the summer ... I had an idea that she was with this guy, but I had no proof until then. He is a golf-pro... and this all started when she was taking golf lessons with co-workers at the course he worked at. In the beginning it was fine, but then she started staying afterwards for drinks and eventually started sleeping elsewhere.
Now that they are out in the open, everyone is giving me information on them. They have gone to weddings/receptions together in front of W's co-workers, etc. OM is nicknamed "Drunk {OM}" by people that know him and know of him. His dad is a major shareholder at the regional bank my W works at. They are extremely loaded with money. He has a trust fund. Doesn't work during non-golf season and takes trips to go places and get drunk. I've also been informed this is not the first married woman he has been involved with and was actually "fired" from his own bank a few years ago. His parents have made him do some sort of alcohol treatment (AA or something). He had a GF when he got involved w/ my W. He also knew full well my W was married and has a child when he pursued her. My boss who saw him interact w/ people at a wedding reception said this is the first "spoiled rich kid" (like seen in the movies) he has seen in real life.
I have limited contact w/ W (a few minutes on Sunday nights when we exchange S). She doesn't answer calls and only will text/e-mail when she needs something. I have been told she is out every opportunity at the bars. She is buying shots for everyone, even people she doesn't know. She is trying to find as many friends as she can possibly get. Her parents watch S while she is out on the town and it is her time to care for S. I hope to have primary care eventually.
In my state, you can request conciliation and your spouse will have to go to a counselor before D can be final. I have found a SBT that is familiar with MWD's methods. I have had one IC session with her and was happy with her. I am going to let the conciliation happen when it happens. I'm not forcing it now b/c it will do no good as W is fully in affair.
I am not pursuing outside relationships and am 100% for saving my marriage and family. I just don't have much to post and don't get much in response because my W and I have such little interaction together.
I guess I'm just looking for hope. I'm looking for ways to improve results with limited contact. I'm looking for the "magic bullet" that will end this affair so we can move on with our lives.
I'm looking for answers, but know I won't have them until this is over.
