I screwed up again

[AnotherNightmare]

Beth,

I did what I knew was the right thing to do: GAL. I called the kids to decorate the tree. It looks beautiful. I am still a little sad, but I think I know how to handle the situation now. I believe she did not go all the way, i.e. a PA. At least, I will give her the benefit of the doubt. And everything else is really no different from what she has been doing already, except it is not just online.

I still think she needs a wake-up call, but I cannot be the one that gives it to her. I keep coming back to my MC session. I said before that during the session I suddenly realized that it was me who walked away - emotionally, because I do not believe I am capable of having an EA or PA while still in a - this M. I have done it twice, her long-time boyfriend before did it once. When will she come to the conclusion that she also needs to work on herself? At least I have found this board, have read the DR book and finally get it. I need to do something about me. I need to change, I may not know yet how exactly that will work, but at least I have figured out the part that my action is required. And I think in the end I need to come to a conclusion whether or not I want, need, love her enough to take her with me. I still feel I do, but I am afraid of the answer to that question when I have gone through more of the process of finding myself.
What I already know at this point is that I want to stay with my kids, with or without her. When I asked her the hypothetical question if she would return to Germany even if she could not take them with her, she answered yes. That was even more shocking to me than the EA. I could never imagine leaving my kids behind. I do not want to leave this country, change jobs and everything else, but if the L that told me she could not take the kids back to Germany unless I allowed it is incorrect, I already have plans how I can stay with them. They are the most important thing to me in this entire mess, and she does not even care about them.

I already have some plans for tomorrow. I plan to prepare lunch, something new I have never done before and I plan to run, but only a short and very easy run. BTW, I am pretty sure I know where the sciatic pain is coming from. I agree with you that a weak upper body can cause something like that, but I do some regular exercises for that. In my case though, it is the piriformis muscle that tightens up and puts pressure on the sciatic nerve. I usually treat it with trigger point massage, and it works quite well. I just did not expect it to come back so soon after the running break.

AN