Thank you so much for that information! Man, it really helps to hear from a man with depression. I do not have depression and it is very hard for me to understand how it feels from inside the depressed mind.
My H has said very similar things ... "I do not believe in psychology." "How does it help to have someone repeat back what I just said and then ask me how I feel about it."
By tough love, are you suggesting that I stay the course I am on - no initiating contact, only responding when H reaches out?
Thanks again for the insight and sharing something about yourself to help me. It really means a lot to me.
Beth..a friend of mine who went thru a similar sitch to mine and really to yours many years ago..her hub was depressed, one of the things he said to her when he left was that he just needed time for him, etc, he spent some time in a mental hospital, it didn't really help him at the time, etc, she walked in love with him, included him with the boys, but I think really just stood and prayed and waited..nothing she did made a difference until he hit the bottom, like Byron said, and reached out to her..
I could see where you would think reaching out would be helpful tho too..but, I think Byron's right really that no one will take the help until they are ready..
Hope you are doing well my friend!
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
Thanks Tawnya! I always appreciate your take on things.
I do want to clarify for those sharing their thoughts that I am not really wondering about how to help him. I do recognize that I cannot really do that.
My question is do I contact him, as I would a friend, with casual invitations to do things - a walk, a coffee, a movie - because depressed people are less inclined to make such invitations themselves, or do I stick to the DB LRT approach of contact only initiated by H?
Beth, one of the things that is reccomended in the DB books is to try different things. Keep doing what works and discard what does not.
One attempted contact about a movie won't change things much if he refuses. A walk or coffee might imply that you want to talk. He might get scared off, but you know him best.
Thanks. I had not thought about it that way. You are right.
Journaling
I was watching a movie tonight and I remembered some advice I gave someone else on the boards yesterday. The advice was that it is important to be authentic in all of our actions. Because if we are not authentic about any change, the spouse will sense it.
So tonight, I followed my own advice. I took off my wedding rings. How can I tell my H that I accept what he tells me about his feelings for me now and still wear the rings he gave me when he felt something very different for me? How can I truly accept what he tells me if I don't let myself feel the pain of his words, if I shut them out and just pretend for his sake that I really heard them?
Taking off the rings he gave me seems to hurt more than I thought it would. Maybe that is because I chose to take them off.
I won't put them on again until he asks me to. So that means I may never put them on again. I put them in the jewelry box he gave me for my birthday one year. It was sort of like putting my heart in a box, or at least a part of it.
I am afraid that next time I see him, their absence will spark a relationship talk. I do not want that. I am prepared - I will just tell him the truth, that I have accepted that he no longer wants to be married to me and have put them away for safe keeping. Hopefully that will stop any further conversation.
I have solved my own dilemma regarding contacting him. He walked away from me and our life. I may have given him some reasons, the rest are his, but he walked away. Why am I so worried about helping him? He must realize, on some level, the damage he caused. I know he knows he hurt me. Where is his concern? How many hours has he spent pouring over books trying to figure out how to help me? Is he agonizing over how to approach me so as not to spook me, all the while validating my every feeling and concern? Is he crying every day for his loss?
Maybe this is what detaching feels like. Somehow, I thought it would feel better than this. I feel like somebody just died. I feel angry and scared and hurt and desperately sad all at the same time.
Life is so unpredictable. I had no idea I would end up here tonight, with these feelings, I mean. I guess the phoenix has to burn before he can rise from the ashes.
Beth, I know it is hard. I'm with you. I'm up right now trying to get to that place of letting go. I have been telling myself today that the wife I had is gone. I need to be able to let her go...it is so hard. We really had a good M...not perfect but we were close...not matter what she says now.
She took her ring off today...I don't know if I can take mine off. I want to get to where you are at.
It helps that my D7 and I are together. W comes and goes and D7 and I get to spend all our time together. We are both getting used to her just not being here with us...even when she is in the house.
Well, unless detaching is a process that takes one one step forward and then two steps back, I am not detached.
Today, I am angry. It started with taking off the rings last night. I was not angry when I did that, I was sad. Today I am angry. I am sick and tired of being the only one who gives a crap about this marriage. Sick of hurting, sick of crying. Problem is, I won't stay angry. It will pass. The bigger problem is, this means I am not detached. I cannot be detached. If I were, what H does or does not do or feel could not get me this angry. UGH.
