You're right. AmyC told me i should go or I would regret it. she was absolutely right. My W saw what everyone else has been seeing, and everyone saw her for what she is. My time with my grandson was fabulous. Her showing up did nothing to ruin it. Neither grandson missed her when she left, both cried when they had to leave me, what does that tell ya.
I have her in my head, but I stay angry so I am off the ride. I am who I want to be, and can't change who I am. I will be attending church tomorrow, new experience, but something else to do during the week. I am stronger than ever after this holidaty and weekend, I have what she does not, I am who she cannot have. Nice....
I am excited that things went so well for you on Thanksgiving, LD! I wouldn't be so quick to discount her actions as an act, though. I think maybe she slipped into an old comfort zone and only when she thought of the reality she has now created did she veer off that course - but even then, it doesn't sound like she strayed for long.
As someone else stated, you did shine. And I have no doubt it looked good on you.
Thanks AmyC. I am taking an emotional stand that everything I see and hear is an act. It will help keep me focused and not backpedaling like I have been. there is no doubt she went back a ways. And there were plenty of witnesses that have all come out and told me so. but it makes no difference, she is with OM, everything else is crap. I have proven I can function around her, I don't mean with her, I mean around her, looking around her to talk to other people, talking around her and not engaging her in the conversation and being there around her as if she wasn't there. I am just shy of ignoring her. Barely shy.
Her comment to my son yesterday was odd. Asking where I went when I walked out of the room. My son told me he was going to say to her, Dad doesn't want to be around you. I told him, say it if you want to say it. It is the truth. I don't want to be around her witnessing her act or whatever. It's all fluff for the sake of the situation. I would rather go to the concession stand and get popcorn than watch that drama.
Thanks for looking in. You enjoy your weekend too. Go Patriots!!!
LD- You have my admiration and respect! I also still feel that this can go either way but which ever way it goes you are going to be alright. No.....better than alright! If she doesn't come out of this or comes out of this a person you no longer can have a marriage with, it will definitely be her loss. I'm sure that she cycles in and out and knows this. She is showing a lot of interest in what you are doing. Good sign. She is no longer controlling you and she knows it. The next step is for her to feel and realize what she is throwing away.
Me- 47 W- 45 Married 22 years Together 30 years No Kids, 1 dog, 1 Cat 2005 - 2007 W in MLT 1/08 - Crisis hits 3/08 W drops Bomb and leaves in the middle of the night. Admits to PA 4/08 W files for divorce 8/08 Divorce final
Thanks T'Gone, means alot coming from you. I am sure she is going through qwhatever it is she is going through, but she is doing it with OM. And that my friend is a pill no longer swallowed by me. I have now put up my own wall of containment, one that lets in everything I want and everything I need, she is on neither list. My anger and rage at her now is very large inside me. I have no deisre to see her or talk to her. Went to friends last night who asked me about her and our situation. Told them there is nothing to discuss, she is with OM, pass the chips. I do not know what she saw, thought or what ever onthanksgiving, nor do I care. What I do care about is how everyone responded to me, how kids felt about me, and what everyone saw IN me. I am a very good person, I am very kind person and I am now a very in control of my life person. Comments about how she looks physicvally possibly due to her drinking, her emotional condition and her depression are being weekly comments to my ears. I don't really care to hear about it. I cannot fix these things so I am telling everyone not to tell me anything. Obviously they all ask the same thing "Don't you care about her anymore?" My response is quick and hard "She has someone in her life to care about her now, she doesn't need me, I no longer need her. the longer she is with OM, the farther away I go. The outcome is in her court, and the finality of it is coming soon"
I do hope and pray that she regards what she saw and witnessed in me on Thanksgiving, I hope she remembers the times I was all things to all people like I was this past holiday. I hope this is the situation my therapist mentioned and I have read about as the one thing that would set her mind free of the fog, I will not bet anything on it, I just hope. She was most likely with OM this weekend, friends that had told me he was not welcome, I have found out, have welcomed him. this will strengthen her bond with him, no doubt. Enough said about that. I am attending my first full church service in a few. I am looking to put this in the hands of a higher level. I am looking to see if I can gain more insight into myself and if I can ever begin to forgive the pain she has put me through and continues to do. I think long and hard about her with him, and possibly others over the past couple of years that she has traveled away from me, and the thoughts are not kind. Again, my anger and rage are huge, emotionally and mentally. Hopefully, church, the latest chapter in my life, will help me with this. I need to know that she pains over her decision, I need to know that there is regret in her heart and in her head, I need to know that she thinks about us....These are things i need to know so I can move on and get these other thoughts out of my head. I know it is not right to want to see her in pain, but I can't help running it through over and over. She has chosen her path, I did not lead her, guide her or push into this darkness, she chose it. Her pain and confusion and whatever else she may be feeling is self inflicted. I have tried early on to let her see me, now I don't care if she does. As I posted earlier, and not to pat my self on the back too much, but at the end of the day, whoever ends up with me as their emotional, physicall partner, wins. i am the prize, she is not.
LD- You have my admiration and respect! I also still feel that this can go either way but which ever way it goes you are going to be alright. No.....better than alright! If she doesn't come out of this or comes out of this a person you no longer can have a marriage with, it will definitely be her loss. I'm sure that she cycles in and out and knows this. She is showing a lot of interest in what you are doing. Good sign. She is no longer controlling you and she knows it. The next step is for her to feel and realize what she is throwing away.
Having a meltdown right now. Don't know why, but I am. went to church and left there in teatrs. don't know why. Don't know if its relief or if I am pushing myself too hard.
Sorry, had to run and get my D. she is acting out, lying to me and it has come to a head. We just had a real good talk about it. I am trying to cement our relationship, I think she is feeling a little left out in my life, but right now she is my life. Tears int he eys now.
Anyway, the meltdown. The battle in my head is the continue to dance or pay the band and move on. I went to church to ask Him for some answers, for a sign of which path to take. I am thinking that with every meltdown, I get a sign from her, some thing. Since I do not get definitive signs of it ending with her, I can only play the odds and feel the signs from Him, the answers top my questions, may be coming from her. I am confused. I spent 45 minutes in Mass this morning and can't tell you what the priest said. I just kept asking for the answers to my questions: Is it really over or is there a chance? Do I move on competely and close this chapter of my life? How will I know when enough is enough? I know these are answers everyone going through this wants answered, but I am at a crossroads in my mind. My anger and rage are beginning to consume me and my ratioals, is sometimes waning. I am focused on what i need to do and where I need to be, emotionally. It is this detachment I think that is causing my meltdown, my defiance to her being, her existence. I do not hate her or wish her harm, but my anger and rage are unmistakeable and their target is the W. I think this week is what I need, I have to let the dust settle over this. I have to deal with myD now as she is fragile and I cannot handle her with kid gloves or she will use me as a doormat. I agree with T'Gone and AmyC's agreement over his post. I believe it as well. I know that Thanksgiving is not going to end this situation tomorrow, I know it has given me an oppotunity unlike any other over the past 4.5 months. My refuasal to get on the roller coaster is harder than giving up the drinking. Dday was right, I was still on the ride, and now I want off, and it hurts to let her go it alone. but I see no other choice other than to let ift go, finally and see if it comes back on its own. I love you all for your support. I mean it. If there was ever a way I could repay you all for your kindness, sternness and guidance I would pay it ten fold. Thanks, I will post tomorrow night, I have line dancing and now I have church in my repertoir. I'm busier than a one armed paperhanger, good for me..
Actually there was a part I remmebered, it had to do with feeling the joy of hope and believing in your faith, these are the things that make you whole. Faith in th eLord, in your family and your committenment to all things you feel the most strong about. Not those excact words, but close, real close. I think maybe my tears were becasue maybe a little bit of my burden has been lifted, maybe by doing what I did today and asking him inhis house those questins, maybe the answer is what I just posted, maybe the answers I am looking for are being given to me. They say the He answers all prayers and I have been saying "Not Mine". But maybe he is telling me to hold out a little bit longer. Maybe the signs are getting a little bigger. My burden is huge, but, no to sound blasphimic, maybe this is my rebirth and maybe it took this to help me rediscover and recommit to things i had lost faith in. My chest was tight today in church, but I asked the questions. I asked hard and I asked loud and I asked why He didn't answer, why was i not being heard, why I am going through this, why am I being punished? This isn't the first time I have asked these questions time and time again over my life, believe you me. Just got my sign i think. she just called me on the OMs phone to ask about my daughter. Nuff said. I think that is the sign that I needed.
