It has been quite a while since I have had one. H and I talked last week, pleasant 20 min. conversation. Told me the job was not going well, they had put him on a 16 hour a day schedule so that all he was doing was working. I reminded him my birthday had been earlier in the week, he said sh*t and wished me congratulations (his way of saying happy birthday). I asked if I could help w/ his job, he said find him a new one???? I laughed, said what else do you want to do. He, of course, stated there was nothing because all he wanted was law enforcement. I said well what else are you good at, and he laughed, and said "being an a$$hole." I laughed and told him that was true, but I knew that from the day I met him. And reminded him I was still a b!tch...(in the early days, when we were good friends, those were our nicknames for each other...)
At the beginning of the week, the BK attorney called that we needed to sign some modified paperwork. I left him a message, and he called back saying all he heard was "paperwork." He called me, I missed the first call, and called back immediately. I realized the next day that he probably thought I was talking about divorce paperwork, but I did not call to clarify, nor did he. All I can say is that I noticed, even before this realization, that he sounded strangely happy to talk to me.
Wished him a Happy Thanksgivinig. Got nothing back.
He sent me a text this morning saying that he got his own car insurance, and I could take his car off the policy. Okay, that's fine. Called him back, asked about his thanksgiving, and he said he worked all day...what did I expect? I said I figured he might be at least able to have dinner w/ a friend or something, and he said he was too far behind on work and that he was working to get caught up.
It was brief, but I am left in a state of fear and pain because I realize he is doing what he said he would do by separating out the last remaining bills we have together. Somehow, this seems like such a final act. And I am afraid, more so than I have been in a very long time.
I know he is trying to find himself, and that he is trying everything he can to find happiness. Obviously, it is not working. But I am so afraid that he will take that final step and file. I thought I was ready for that, but now I am not so sure. It scares me that I still feel so much in love with him even though it is now almost 15 months that we have been separated. I wonder if I am just in a state of denial (yes I know, I use this word alot and maybe I am reading too many self help books). H is not someone I want to survive, and yet, I don't want to remain in this state of fear and pain anymore either.
I am generally doing very well, great job, lots of perks, good things coming for the future. I am even in a place where, if I met someone I liked, I might consider going to dinner, on a date, to a movie.
But H is always there, in the back of my mind. I still cannot take off my wedding ring on a permanent basis. I have tried, and now, these days, I turn around and put it right back on.
I know there is nothing I can do. I accept that.
Why can't I just accept the fact that he doesn't want to be married to me? I have tried, but I cannot convince myself that this is true. If I get to that point, its like God is telling me to knock it off.
Help...
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
