Because I don't talk about this with anyone around me, because everything seems to get back to her, I only you all.
Ah, you learned the "zip the lips" lesson the hard way, but at least you learned it. Friends love to stir the soup, don't they? Even if they think they are helping. Only 5 days ago my sister wanted to call my W, because they were such good friends. I said, "Uh, no." It would only have served to make W feel guilty, which, according Jim Conway, is not a very good idea. I hope you have a good day. For me, sometimes a good day is just not doing anything stupid. Start there. Your joy will return and so will your confidence, but it will take some time. Listen to these people. AmyC is very wise. If you listen and do, the process won't be as painful as it would be if you didn't.
David
The fires of true love can never be quenched, because the source of its flame is God Himself! - Shulamith
Took your advice. there is no doubt I would have regretted not going. It started off like fingernails on a chalkboard and then got comfortable. she looks worn. I could not really look her in the face. I did a few times and she looked at me and thenlooked down, like she was embarassed.
A couple of signs I'd like to post here, they are small, but I feel significant to me. 1. When trying to talk to me, get my attention, she referred to me as "hon". this was what she always called me when we were together. Most likely a slip in the social setting, and i even actually ignored her because i didn't think it was meant for me. FIL noticed it and brought it to my attention. It really had no significance to me until he said it to me.
2. during dinner she sat next to me. the whole other side of the table was empty, she could have sat in the seat farthest away.
3. Had my sone take pictures of everyonesitting down to dinner. i moved myself behind my D so that I wouldn't be noticed. she told me to sit up, i wasn't in the picture. She then slid over closer to me. When the picture was over, she slid back.
4. Sat on the love seat next to me. I could feel my skin crawl.
5. Watching me playing ball with my grandson. she watched me and him the whole time. She was laughing with us and saying remember when you did this our kids when they were younger. she then told everyone how I would come home eat and play with the kids till it was time for bed. she said no matter how bad his day was, he did this. Remember hon?
Baby steps. I figure the social setting is what did it so I am not making plans to move her clothes back or put her pictures back up. OM called her cell phone and she ignored it while she watched me and my grandson playing. FIL had to leave the room at opne point to hold back his tears. He said she was watching you and smiling and laughing and thenshe would look down like she bit into something she didn't like, then go back to watching us. People were asking me about my line dancing lessons and she came out of the kitchen to hear and to see some of my steps. everybody was interested and she jumped inthe conversation how she goes dancing every now and then, but not as much as me. I heard her inthe kitchen constantly saying my name about this and about that. FIL says if you didn't know better, you would have thjought we were still together. My Ds told me that everyone had two comments about me and their mom, your father looks like a million dollarsa dn your mother looks like she is a stress heart attack waiting to ahappen, she's to thin and you can see the alcohol taking its toll on her face. They told other adults the latternot my Ds. Anyway, AmyC, you once again have hit tthis one out of the park, thanks for being stern with me and guiding me to go. I would have regretted this. she suffered yesterday, emotionally, of that there is no doubt, me, I had nothing to lose. But she saw a side of me yesterday she hasn't seen in many years and was commenting on it like it was yesterday, any thoughts on her behavior?
LD- Glad it seemed to work out for all. Interpreting your W's behavior would be very tough since MLC has alot of commonalities but is still very individualistic.
I just think it is great that you went and you shined.. It is at the very least food for thought for your W.I also think that it is very telling that your w spent Thanksgiving with family and you. The OM got to be on the outside looking in.
That is huge.
Me- 47 W- 45 Married 22 years Together 30 years No Kids, 1 dog, 1 Cat 2005 - 2007 W in MLT 1/08 - Crisis hits 3/08 W drops Bomb and leaves in the middle of the night. Admits to PA 4/08 W files for divorce 8/08 Divorce final
Thanks for the reply. I know not to analyze anything that happened yesterday. She is still with him, and yes, i gave her food for thought. I was cordial and calm, cool and collected. Again, i only spoke about 8 sentences to her, not being ignorant, but realizing my boundaries with her.
I got through it and that's enough for now. Most of her actions, except the "hon" thing were most likely an act for everyone to show she doesn't have a problem being around me. that is not the issue, it is me wanting to be around her. Now, dark again until Xmas. Unless she calls. how was your Thanskgiving?
I believe she will be with OM this wekend or whatever, don't care. I have my grandson. We are going to the movies tonight andf then to my FILs tomorrow night.
I believe she will be with OM this wekend or whatever, don't care. I have my grandson. We are going to the movies tonight and then to my FILs tomorrow night.
LD - I had a great Thanksgiving. First one in 24 years without my Ex. So there was some anxiety surrounding that footnote. However I spent the day with my girlfriends family which consisted of 4 generations of folks with diverse interests, occupations and backrounds. It was wonderful and everyone had a great time. Plenty of food, games and fun. I ate too much but couldn't help it. My lower back is killing me. One 9yr old took a liking to me and I became the piggy back guy.
Not a peep from my Ex or her family. As is their custom, I'm sure there was some sort of drama brewing. With so many divorces and marriages there is a breeding ground for holiday drama.
This Thanksgiving, although without my Ex, was very nice indeed. I still love her but quite frankly didn't miss the dysfunction.
Me- 47 W- 45 Married 22 years Together 30 years No Kids, 1 dog, 1 Cat 2005 - 2007 W in MLT 1/08 - Crisis hits 3/08 W drops Bomb and leaves in the middle of the night. Admits to PA 4/08 W files for divorce 8/08 Divorce final
Dday thanks for the post. They are both equally annoying and dangerous. I was glad that i went. i have no expectations from this as i feel most of her actions were an act. She was definitely uncomfortable as me. I had fun and i am taking GS with me today to go visit and enjoy the jacuzzi. As for evaluating her, didn't really give her the recognition she thought she'd get. The "hon" thing is a mystery. I have great plans and just went through my planner to add in weddings and parties i have been invited too, alone. I have at least two functions a month through June, alone.
One thing I found amazing was that i keep telling myself I am the prize at the end of all opf this mess. At thanksgiving, after about an hour, I really believed it. I was in control, comfortable and her presence wasn't an issue for me. she did come by my house yesterday. Younger D called her and told her GS was here an to stop by. when she did, i went into the bedroom and made somephone calls to friends. She asked my son, " where did he go?". None of her damn business thats where. My GS asked her if she was going to the movies with us. she told him no, she was going out to have fun and wouldn't be home till late. I'm sure that was for my benefit. Took him to see Bolt. Great movie, good time.
Concentrating on my bills and my plans for the next couple of weeks. Busy at work and around here. Tried making a home made chicken soup, turned out like crap. I have no idea what went wrong. Will try again tomorrow.
Dday, I am taking your advice and watching myself with regards to evaluating and expecting. My added mantra when I see her or see something from her is this "It meant nothing, she didn't mean it, believe nothing she says and half of what you see." It works and it keeps her out of my head.
TGone, glad your Thanksgiving went well. Ignoring my W was best for me, it let me enjoy everyone else's company. Her actions, I am sure, were not meant to be anything other than an act for her father and my kids. I posted them in my journal and closed the book. As long as she is with OM, then there are no baby steps, no psitive signs, nothing. I have now committed my mindset to that and only that with regard to her. Everyone enjoy your weekend, i am..
LD = Sounds to me like you are doing fantastic. I think you have a real grasp on what you are facing. This is her journey. She must make her way through this. It should be obvious by now that she is not rational. I'm sure she is confused and now sees that you aren't crumbling but actually getting stronger, showing your moral strength as well as your character. The OM? He is nothing but a band aid that will not fix her problem. She'll see it sooner or later.
Keep hanging tough.
Me- 47 W- 45 Married 22 years Together 30 years No Kids, 1 dog, 1 Cat 2005 - 2007 W in MLT 1/08 - Crisis hits 3/08 W drops Bomb and leaves in the middle of the night. Admits to PA 4/08 W files for divorce 8/08 Divorce final
