Webster's defines hope as "the feeling that what is desired is possible."
Under Buddhist theory, if I understand it properly, this is still forward looking. It would have to be - one only desires that which one does not have. If one does not have something now, it can only be had in the future, if at all.
I look at this a little differently. I desire what I have right now - right now I have a connection to my H that we built over many years. I think this is in keeping with the Buddhist approach.
Where I get into trouble, is desiring that which I do not have right now and that which I cannot control (as Cotoffguard pointed out)- that is, H to want to accept that connection and let me back into his heart.
The reason I am looking so hard for a reason not to give up hope is because I believe in the self-fulfilling prophesy. That what we live and feel is what we put out there and make happen. So if I believe reconciliation is possible, I will take tiny daily steps to make that happen. But if I stop hoping for it, stop believing it is possible, my daily steps will move me, ever so slowly away from that goal.
Thank you both for giving me so much to think about. It really helps me to focus my mind and my energy toward what and who I want to be today.
