Question to WAWs and AWAWs about A

[MrBond]

Okay, I have a question for the AWAW and WAWs out there. My wife was involved in an Emotional Affair for a few months which I stopped right away. She told me she wanted a divorce right off the bat and have refused to look back.

Like other similar situations on these Boards, she has given me a new excuse every day about why she wants out. And also the fact that she has never been "head over heels" in love with me in 17 years of being together. And has re-written history when it came to our happy times together.

She even gets VERY angry and defensive when the subject of the EA comes up and tells me to "get over it". I have forgiven her for it, but I don't think she has gotten over how the affair made her feel. Even though it was with a guy twice her age and married.

Yet after 7 months, she hasn't moved an inch to doing any type of paperwork and when we're together with our two kids, she acts like nothing's wrong.

So my question for the WAWs is this:
At what point did you turn the corner and decide to work on the marriage. Even when you definitely thought that your husband wasn't "the one?" Also, how long did it take for you to get to that point? And did you seek help or figure it out by yourself?

My wife doesn't want to go to C. She has no close friends and just confides in her unmarried sister. So any insight will be helpful. I'm just about ready to throw in the towel.

Thanks for listening.

[whatdidido]

Ok, that was me.

When it got to where I had to make a choice. The OM was pressuring me to give him reassurances we would be together, and I felt guilty more and more with my husband because he was doing 180s, had gone to a counselor and was visibly making changes. I chose my H. I didn't want to be a part time mom. I didn't like the guilt I felt with the OM, and I knew it was wrong.

AFter making the choice, it was not done, though. I wasn't sure I had made the right choice. Like your wife I thought I never loved my H. I forgot any and all of the good times in our marriage. So, that's where I found this site. I read books. I talked to a priest. I made sure to stop contact of all kind with OM (email, phone, messenger, etc.). A huge turning point was REtrouvaille. I had distinct hope after going there.

We were separated for about 1 1/2 - 2 years or so and my H did nothing. Looked depressed all the time, but didn't talk to me or do anything. Then, when he went to counseling and I saw changes, I told him about the OM. That day was in April of this year. So, that's the time span.

What have you tried so far?

[MrBond]

Hey WDD,

Thanks for the response. For me she had told me I was controlling initially, but when we talked about it further we found out it was just poor communication. Then it became a different excuse.

So for my part, I've been GAL and trying to give her space. She spends most weekends together with me and the kids and we get along great. But the minute she says goodbye, she becomes very uncomfortable and says a hurried 'goodbye' without looking at me in the eye or hug or anything.

Right now we're in the 'friend' zone and I feel she really is there for just the girls and I want her to miss 'me' just a little bit. Should I go dim and reduce the time spent together more? I know she'll miss the kids alot, but she has to realize that she can't have them without me.

[nw626]

Hi Stuck808
You and I are pretty much in the same boat.
My W and I are in the friend zone also at least for our son.
Since you spent most weekends together, do you think she feels you are smothering her?
That's what my W told me when she was here.
I am just guessing here. You know your W best.
Just a thought....!!


NW626

[PositivelyMommy]

Hi Stuck808, We are also in the same boat, we get on great on weekends, almost 'normal' then quick uncomfortable goodbyes. At least we don't fight or play games.

I tried getting away after lunch one day, three months ago. He was shocked and upset that I left him with the kids. He was still pissed off when I came back three hours later. My DB coach says I should make myself scarce. I'm still thinking about it because the kids really want to see us together and they feel secure and happy. I guess I need to give it another try. You?

[JWM]

I'm in the same boat. We spend most days together and we are still in the same house...she in a guest bedroom. My D7 feels better when we are all together. My W does not talk much,I try my best...she seems depressed.

[MrBond]

Hey NW, PM and JWM,

Misery loves company I guess (LOL)!

For me, I'm definitely not giving up. In fact, my wife and I just had a talk today. She's still got her sights on the door, but the more we talked, she actually started crying and opened up a bit more.

We both realized that it was both our faults and I asked her to think over what I said about us working things out. She said 'okay' and I know you folks have probably all heard the same.

I'll be praying for all of you and keep you updated. Maybe we can see what works for each of us and apply to our own sitches.

S808

[MrBond]

Hey whatdidido,

I have a question: When you were doubting your relationship, if your spouse had offered you any information about how things could get better, would you have gotten angrier at him for pursuing or would a part of you listened to them with a grain of salt?

[whatdidido]

Part of me would have definitely listened. Deep down I wanted something to give me hope. I may have responded negatively but I would have listened. So, in other words, I may have shown anger, but I would have been glad, in the end, to have the information.

It's your job to help her see that there IS hope. She can't see it. You can.

You have to look at your situation and know when the timing is good. You have to give the information without anger or a "guilt trip" even if she gets angry at you.

[MrBond]

Thanks WDID!

Any one else with suggestions?