Hi Kristi: Thanks so much for reading through my thread and for sharing your thoughts with me. From much of what I've read - and from conversations with people here and with my own T and other T's that I've met (in a support group) - it does seem like my W has a lot of the signs of being bipolar. Still, she's not getting help - and her family really is checked out...
Her sister called me a couple days ago - she's very angry with my W over all this "drama" - and she told me that their mom things my wife is "doing great" - so, no, they're not functioning on much of a level of reality right now - more of a level of self-imposed-safe ignorance.
For whatever reason, when I picked up my son from her this morning, she handed him to me - of course, she was at her friends house, and they were home, so they would have been witness to any strange behavior on her part - but she made this extra effort to sound friendly...which I just didn't respond to at all...as I had already determined that minimum communication with her - no matter what - is essential - especially in person.
This evening, when she came by to pick up S2, she again didn't come to the door, but instead called from her car in the driveway - but she did take S2 from my arms without any comment...and then told me her mother would be in town in a couple weeks - and that she would like to pick S2 early on that Saturday - so he can see her - adding, that it's up to me, since it's my time with him...It was a change in tone from the last two days - and a change in attitude - especially the acknowledgment that his time with me is mine to give up not hers to take...so that was interesting...I wonder if it had something to do with my telling her this morning - as she insisted that I pick up S2 at her friends house - that it was not lost on my that I am willing to accommodate her at times - and that she was unwilling to do the same - and that she was a negative dynamic that would not benefit anyone (especially our baby) in the long run...BTW - when I have the "conversations" with her - I model them on the SET - model from the Sometimes I Act Crazy book - I support her first, then offer my empathy for her situation, and then respond with truth...it's not DBing since it's not an effort to validate all that she says...but I'm not really working at saving my marriage now - I'm working toward protecting myself as a father - and protecting my children (both our son, and my son from my previous marriage).
...a bit more journaling... While having out Turkey dinner tonight (my S11 made the garlic mashed potatoes - and they were wonderful) my S11 started talking with me a lot about my wife and how pleased he was not to have her around the house any more...he told me that she made him very tense and anxious - and that he just always felt like she would make up new rules whenever she wanted to snip at him about something - and that he thought she was very nervous and overly-protective of his younger brother...he was so candid, it really surprised me...so I just had to remind him that I still love my W - and that, while we aren't together anymore, she's still a good person - just not someone that was right for me anymore - and who also felt I wasn't right for her. I explained to him that I still love his mother as well - and I consider her to be a very good friend - a wonderful mother - and someone that I admire very much. I told him that a lot of that is true for my W now...but that it sometimes takes adults a while to get over things that might not make a lot of sense to him until he's much older.
We also talked about the fact that he's going to live with me while he's in high school - so that will just be incredible for me...in fact, while I agreed for him to live abroad for a year next year (in Austria...so I've started teaching him German) - after that year he will be living with me until he goes off to college. His mom, my first wife, told him that she thinks it's a great idea for him to live with me - since he's lived most of his life with her so far...so she's being very supportive.
My life is going to change in many ways over the next couple years...I think most of those changes will be positive. I'm dusting off some manuscripts (well, in a virtual way, since they're novels that have just been sitting as neglected bits of information on my hard drive for a few years) and have started working at finishing at least one of those novels in the months ahead - I'm also polishing a novel I wrote about eight years ago...I was surprised to find that it's 487 pages long...and I still like it (a huge surprise...though the writing does need some serious editing here and there).
When I think about having my S11 with me through high school I think about how fortunate I will be to have such a rare boy sharing his experiences with my younger son...we've already started to teach the little guy how to play soccer...and I have to say, it's just unreal to watch his little legs dribble the ball...all part of his determination to imitate the coolest guy in the world (his big brother).
It saddens my that my W is missing out on the moments I share with the boys...rich, beautiful, happy moments - when we just laugh and laugh like we don't have a care in the world. Tonight I just sat on the carpet with a video camera and captured their joy - their precious, precious thrill of bouncing off the walls and each other, and feeling completely safe...moments like these used to make me ache, because I they made me wish so much that my wife could be here to share them with me...but, as my S11 later reminded me while we sat down to dinner, she rarely let us have fun in this way...since she usually told us to stop...or would snip at my S11 in such a way - that it would kill his spirit and he would go off and play by himself in his room instead of staying out in the living room and playing with me and the baby...he hasn't done that at all since she moved out...I just realized that...
Okay...this entry went longer than I had expected...but it felt right to let my mind wander...and to think about the beautiful day I had with my boys.
