I'm taking my time, working on the best solution, and considering all my options. Finding a way to remove myself more from her seems key - so if we can eliminate having to see one another every day during the week that would be wonderful...it would be easy if she just let me keep our son for the night - as I could then pick him up and drop him off at daycare - and she could do the same - and we could avoid each other almost entirely.
I'll take out the mention of snipping or yelling...I put those in there with the thought that it be best to be honest with her in ways that she's not honest with me...though I suppose that's trying to offer a rational response to an irrational situation...I'm going to try to nail some more jello to the wall now.
I just got off the phone with my S11 - since he spends Christmas with me, he always spends Thanksgiving day with his mom - and he started talking about making our own Thanksgiving meal tomorrow...so, after I pick him up we're going to get that stuff to make dinner...which is really wonderful sounding to me - since I've always enjoyed making Thanksgiving dinner - and just had no reason to at all today...
Not only do I have a weekend with my boys to look forward to - I'll also have the fun of cooking with my S11 while my S2 runs around and keeps us entertained (he's such a beautiful, fun little boy). Now I've got to work on the menu...the one request my S11 had was to be in charge of garlic mashed potatoes...
So...now that I'm coming out of my own morning fog, here are some things I am grateful for today (and everyday):
My sons - the most beautiful boys in the world. My family - they are not perfect, but they are full of love and support. My friends - despite how little I've reached out to friends over the years, my truest friends have been there for me in ways I've never imagined anyone could be. My DB Friends - all of you...I would start naming you individually, but would hate to forget any one name - but all of you have helped me so much in the last five months.
Rain - it's just so soothing. Soccer - both playing it and having the respite of a few good matches on TV today. Pens - what would I do without a pen and a place to write something down. The computer/Internet - might sound strange to be grateful for these things - but they've given me access to something I never would have known existed before - the compassion and support of strangers - and access to a community of amazing people that want to work hard on improving themselves and their lives...I take heart in knowing that as we improve ourselves, we help improve the world around us...that, to me, is a tremendous source of hope. Work - in these difficult times around the country and the world, I'm grateful that I still find work... Home - along with the work comes the home...and having a roof over my head, and a space for my children to play - that's something I cannot take for granted. Words - what a gift to have words - to reach out over endless miles and receive the advice from so many kind, giving people. Sleep - when I get to sleep, I welcome the tranquil remove from my thoughts. Time - while it may just be a construct, something that we perceive and use to mark the necessity of change - time is a gift that always reminds me that any moment is not permanent...while I would love for some moments to last forever (like time with my boys), knowing that pain is evanescent always helps me get up and step into a new day.
I can't wait until tomorrow...and I'm so looking forward to heading over to my friend's house for dinner tonight...it will be good to be in the company of someone who has known me since I was 14...(and in my New Wave phase).
Well...I made it through yesterday okay...cried a bit in the morning, but then just kept busy until I went to my friends house for an "all-pie" Thanksgiving dinner - which was pretty amazing...
This morning my seemed determined to be difficult about getting our baby to me for the day - at first she asked that I meet her near a friend of her's house - then insisted that I go to all the way to her friends house to pick up our baby...on the way - she called me - and I mentioned to her that I thought it would be best for us to arrange to have someone else present when either of us picks up the baby from the other - my suggestion made her ballistic - and she accused me of trying to escalate things - and then said that I was trying to bully her - which she said, "is what you always do when you don't get what you want." She followed that up by saying that, "given your mental state, I don't think you ever put our son first." Adding, "I've known you for ten years and so I know how you are."
So...even though she's the one that says she feels threatened by me - she doesn't want someone there to watch over our exchanges...which makes no sense...but nothing she says or does makes sense...before hanging up on me she told me that she had already talked with someone about being there for our exchanges -and that's who she was going to contact on Monday...and I probably should have said nothing at that point...but instead I commented that I wanted to talk with people that have our son's interest in mind, not people that believe her fiction of being an abused woman. She got very quiet when I said that - and I wish I hadn't let those words slip out that way...but I cannot continue to validate her distorted belief that I am abusive...eve if it's just for me to know it...
I really just wish I didn't have to see her at all anymore. Texting/emailing about our son is fine - but I just don't want to see her anymore....she made one quick comment about how I claim love her but then wouldn't listen when she was trying to talk with me about our son - of course, her idea of talking with me about our son was insulting me and accusing me of not caring about him...
If I don't talk with her, she finds a way to use that against me, if I do talk with her, she attacks me and then blames me for not buying into her cruel accusation...she now insists that I was coming at her and threatening her when I tried to apologize to her the other night...but I think she knows that is bs - since if it were true I think she would want another person there for our exchanges - someone to protect her...of course, if no one is there, she can continue to use that threat of calling the police...which I think is what she wants - the right to that threat...and so I'm glad that I called her on her bluff - and I wasn't all that surprised to find that it frustrated her to have me suggest having someone else present - she wants control - she wants to continue being abusive - and while I know it has nothing to do with me - and that I should remind myself that it's the disease in her mind that makes her say the things she does...I nevertheless have to protect myself from her false accusations.
Now it's tie to get started with our one-day-delayed Thanksgiving dinner...should be fun.
I was just reading your thread and my heart goes out to you. I would say you are doing a great job with both your children and I am sorry your W doesn't see it.
In reading all the stories of your W..I don't know too much, but I had a friend who went through something very similar with his wife. His W would act out aggressively and say things, then not remember (the way you said she didn't remember hitting and kicking you). It turned out she had bi-polar disorder. When she finally got help it was a huge difference. But she would litterally snap at everything he said even when he was calm as could be.
I don't know too much about your wife and I am not a doctor. It also sounds as if she may have grown up in a dysfunctional family which unfortunately can lead to this as well. Her defense mechanisms are just way out of whack.
I do agree that you should see a L. For you S2 sake. If you wife is saying things and acting out in front of him it would be better to know what rights you have to protect him. That is not to say that your W is not a good mother but I am sure even at 2 your son is feeling the effect of the irrational behavior.
Your wife is trying to get back at you so she won't take your son from your arms, but imagine how that must make your son feel. He probably doesn't recognize that and only sees his mom not caring enough about him to reach out for him. She really is doing more harm than good. And she is telling you you don't care about your S???
I don't think there is anyway you can possibly address or get through to her. If something is really wrong, you would be the last person she would listen to and anything you say she would find offensive. Luckily for my friend his wifes family addressed issue with her and she got help. But it doesn't sound like your wifes family would recognize that she needs help if they themselves need help as well.
Best of luck to you. I will keep you in my prayers.
Hi Kristi: Thanks so much for reading through my thread and for sharing your thoughts with me. From much of what I've read - and from conversations with people here and with my own T and other T's that I've met (in a support group) - it does seem like my W has a lot of the signs of being bipolar. Still, she's not getting help - and her family really is checked out...
Her sister called me a couple days ago - she's very angry with my W over all this "drama" - and she told me that their mom things my wife is "doing great" - so, no, they're not functioning on much of a level of reality right now - more of a level of self-imposed-safe ignorance.
For whatever reason, when I picked up my son from her this morning, she handed him to me - of course, she was at her friends house, and they were home, so they would have been witness to any strange behavior on her part - but she made this extra effort to sound friendly...which I just didn't respond to at all...as I had already determined that minimum communication with her - no matter what - is essential - especially in person.
This evening, when she came by to pick up S2, she again didn't come to the door, but instead called from her car in the driveway - but she did take S2 from my arms without any comment...and then told me her mother would be in town in a couple weeks - and that she would like to pick S2 early on that Saturday - so he can see her - adding, that it's up to me, since it's my time with him...It was a change in tone from the last two days - and a change in attitude - especially the acknowledgment that his time with me is mine to give up not hers to take...so that was interesting...I wonder if it had something to do with my telling her this morning - as she insisted that I pick up S2 at her friends house - that it was not lost on my that I am willing to accommodate her at times - and that she was unwilling to do the same - and that she was a negative dynamic that would not benefit anyone (especially our baby) in the long run...BTW - when I have the "conversations" with her - I model them on the SET - model from the Sometimes I Act Crazy book - I support her first, then offer my empathy for her situation, and then respond with truth...it's not DBing since it's not an effort to validate all that she says...but I'm not really working at saving my marriage now - I'm working toward protecting myself as a father - and protecting my children (both our son, and my son from my previous marriage).
...a bit more journaling... While having out Turkey dinner tonight (my S11 made the garlic mashed potatoes - and they were wonderful) my S11 started talking with me a lot about my wife and how pleased he was not to have her around the house any more...he told me that she made him very tense and anxious - and that he just always felt like she would make up new rules whenever she wanted to snip at him about something - and that he thought she was very nervous and overly-protective of his younger brother...he was so candid, it really surprised me...so I just had to remind him that I still love my W - and that, while we aren't together anymore, she's still a good person - just not someone that was right for me anymore - and who also felt I wasn't right for her. I explained to him that I still love his mother as well - and I consider her to be a very good friend - a wonderful mother - and someone that I admire very much. I told him that a lot of that is true for my W now...but that it sometimes takes adults a while to get over things that might not make a lot of sense to him until he's much older.
We also talked about the fact that he's going to live with me while he's in high school - so that will just be incredible for me...in fact, while I agreed for him to live abroad for a year next year (in Austria...so I've started teaching him German) - after that year he will be living with me until he goes off to college. His mom, my first wife, told him that she thinks it's a great idea for him to live with me - since he's lived most of his life with her so far...so she's being very supportive.
My life is going to change in many ways over the next couple years...I think most of those changes will be positive. I'm dusting off some manuscripts (well, in a virtual way, since they're novels that have just been sitting as neglected bits of information on my hard drive for a few years) and have started working at finishing at least one of those novels in the months ahead - I'm also polishing a novel I wrote about eight years ago...I was surprised to find that it's 487 pages long...and I still like it (a huge surprise...though the writing does need some serious editing here and there).
When I think about having my S11 with me through high school I think about how fortunate I will be to have such a rare boy sharing his experiences with my younger son...we've already started to teach the little guy how to play soccer...and I have to say, it's just unreal to watch his little legs dribble the ball...all part of his determination to imitate the coolest guy in the world (his big brother).
It saddens my that my W is missing out on the moments I share with the boys...rich, beautiful, happy moments - when we just laugh and laugh like we don't have a care in the world. Tonight I just sat on the carpet with a video camera and captured their joy - their precious, precious thrill of bouncing off the walls and each other, and feeling completely safe...moments like these used to make me ache, because I they made me wish so much that my wife could be here to share them with me...but, as my S11 later reminded me while we sat down to dinner, she rarely let us have fun in this way...since she usually told us to stop...or would snip at my S11 in such a way - that it would kill his spirit and he would go off and play by himself in his room instead of staying out in the living room and playing with me and the baby...he hasn't done that at all since she moved out...I just realized that...
Okay...this entry went longer than I had expected...but it felt right to let my mind wander...and to think about the beautiful day I had with my boys.
I probably should have said nothing at that point...but instead I commented that I wanted to talk with people that have our son's interest in mind, not people that believe her fiction of being an abused woman. She got very quiet when I said that - and I wish I hadn't let those words slip out that way...but I cannot continue to validate her distorted belief that I am abusive...eve if it's just for me to know it...
Based on how she is behaving now, it may have been exactly the right thing to do.
I seem to recall a couple of times while she was still living with you that you called her on her allegations of abusiveness and on her own abuse, and she seemed to back off at least temporarily.
In her current emotional state, she may not grasp the distinction between validating her feelings and point of view and agreeing with her point of view.
Hi Dudess: Interesting that you should mention how she would back off in the past...she seems to be doing so again..though, honestly, over the last few months I've learned enough to know that her "kind" behavior should not be assumed to be genuine...as it's often been masking some scheme or another...Still, she was kind this morning when dropping off S2 - and even called before coming by to make sure it was a good time to drop him off - something she never does.
When she came by I was cheerful and just thrilled to have S2 with us again for the day - since we're off to a farm this morning to pick our own veggies - and S11 is very excited about getting some farm-fresh eggs to eat (and mix into) our pancake mix tomorrow morning...
I don't have a lot of time to post - so that will be it for now...have to get the boys ready for a long drive to the farm...
btw...I think you're right, Dudess, she doesn't quite see to grasp the distinction between validating her feelings/point of view - and agreeing with her...it was a problem that started when we were in T...and I think I went too far in validating her point of view...so much so that she had our MC convinced that I was an abusive husband...and that's all we worked on in there...until I flat out said to our MC - "don't you see that I'm trying to validate her point of view so she can feel safe? Do you really believe everything she says about me?" And our MCl said that she took everything at face value in there - and that she assumed that if things were bad in the office, they were probably ten times worse at home...which, of course, my W took to mean that I am ten times worse at home...okay...I really do have to run now...the boys are starting to get a little nuts (in a good way) in the living room.
I finally made some personal - as in symbolic - strides in terms of accepting my situation - and detaching from my wife...I've often been able to get by with more or less an ascetic lifestyle - and so, after my Wife moved out I was in no hurry to replace the bedroom furniture which she had taken (which was all of it...bed, dressers, night stands, lamps...all...the bedroom has been empty since she moved out). Well, today, I finally went online and ordered a new mattress and bed frame, and am now going to start putting together a new bedroom...It sounds minor, but I was really resisting it - just letting myself feel comfortable with a minimalist attitude that was okay sleeping on an inflatable mattress...or even on the couch (as I had been doing for about five months now)...
So...I'm growing up...and fully accepting myself as detached from my wife...I'm starting to enjoy this time I have to myself with my kids - and now just have to continue to enjoy my time when I'm on my own...I have so much work to do - both personally and professionally - that it's not the worst time in my life to be left alone with nothing but my thoughts...
Tonight, for whatever reason, when she came by to pick up our baby, she let me hand him to her - and also handed me a bunch of junk mail that she had taken to her new place when she moved. It was strange to get my mail from her - and I just wondered why she didn't just throw it out...since it was clearly all junk mail.
...oh...as for the day at the farm...it was wonderful. My baby boy loved the petting area - and the little train ride - while my S11 really got into a kind of mining/sifting demo they had set up - he sifted through some sand and got an arrow head, a crystal, some quartz and a few other stones that we're going to identify tomorrow.
When we got home from the farm we just played some more - turning the living room into a huge fortress/maze - and the boys just crawled around for hours...
I just love being a father - and I am so blessed with my two boys.
...in other news...my father left for our home country today...and won't be back in the states until August at the earliest. He's been wanting to move back to Peru since he retired - and now he's on his way...it's good for him - though it does mean that my S11 and I won't get to see him when we go home to the Midwest for the holidays...
It will be interesting to be back home with just my S11. It will be the first time the two of us have traveled alone together since he was three - and it should give us a great opportunity to bond - and for me to show him more of the life I had while growing up in Ohio. Several of my closest friends from high school will be in town for the holidays as well - so it will be a chance to see them and introduce them to my S11 too...I know I'll be missing S2 like mad, though...especially since he's old enough now to get into the fun of the holidays.
Here's something weird...I got a "friend" request today from my MIL on FB...that was completely out of the blue - and unwanted...I haven't spoken with my W's parents in a long time - and have no plans of speaking with them any time soon. I wish they could do more to help their daughter...but I don't believe they ever will.
Had a fine day with my S11 today - it was just the two of us - and we made the most of it. This morning he made the pancakes - and did a great job...next time he's going to cook the eggs as well...we then got him his first computer - which just seemed like a good idea, since he has to use it more and more - and now he'll be able to video chat with me and his little brother when he's not here...
This afternoon, my S11 and I went to a pickup soccer game - and he just dazzled the other adults there...who were definitely skeptical about having him play when they first saw him...he is a little guy...but, my goodness, he's just fearless and inexhaustible. We play for two hours straight - and then just came home and collapsed...well...sort of collapsed...I still had to make dinner...
So that was the day - the two of us making the most of it - and me quietly realizing more and more how my life often seems more relaxed and happier without my W...hard to come to terms with that idea...and I wonder if it's just some sort of defense mechanism at times - but I think it more and more...It's not that I don't miss the happy times with her - there were many, and they were very happy...I just wonder now if they were enough...and I caught myself thinking today...that maybe I just don't want her back anymore...
I've been very relaxed without having to deal with my W's drama day in and day out. It's definitely easier when you don't see them every day.
I was soul searching yesterday and asking myself; what is it that I love about my W? I could only come up with 2 things: 1) She's the mother of my children. 2) She's beautiful.
Other than that, I could not think of any other intrinsic value. What does that say? What was my "love" really based upon? I think that I was in love with the idea of a happy, intact family more than I was in love with her as an individual. If I was to have just met her; I don't think that I would be interested in her as a partner at all.
