It's official.......what now?

[Punktmann]

Mishka, I didn't fall off, just buried myself in work and kids! Good stuff.

About CG, duh, call the guy and ask for his help. We all know you don't "need" help with any darn thing, but like the other posters said, men like to help. Men LOVE to feel like they accomplished something for someone they like!

I'm very happy that this is happening for you.


About Gabe, and the whole have Marc ask you about visitation thing, there are a couple of things I would address here.

The absolute most important thing is that he should never use Marc as a go-between, or put him in the middle of your discussions (negotiations,) about visitation, support, treatment or care, or any darn thing else.

I would make this an absolute boundary. He has no business putting Marc in the middle, when Marc is going through one of the most difficult and uncertain times in his life.

I would try to find a time where there are no visitation or custody questions pending, (say before Christmas...) call him, and tell him that Marc is in no position to act as a go between, that studies show that children who are put in that position overwhelmingly resent it later, and that it is better for Marc if the two of you decide those issues without his involvement. That Marc will feel better and less guilty about things if Mom and Dad "appear" to be on the same page and he will feel more secure and trusting if there is the appearance of cooperation.

I would offer to him that you can both do it by text MSG, and that you will commit to him that you will reply to him ASAP and without attitude. (I know you wouldn't have attitude anyway, but it's a peace offering / negotiation thing. )

I can tell you that the few times my X has used the boys that way ended up poorly. Once was about homework, once was about "wear these same clothes back home next week." Both times, the kids forgot to tell me until it was too late, and caused them some serious apprehension. NOT cool.



The second thing I wanted to tell you about, (I'm just about 6 mo ahead of you , ) is your X's issue with making unilateral decisions about Marc's time with him.

Based on his job and past employment, he expects to be in control.

He feels like you talk down to him b/c he is accustomed to you going along with him b/c he's "in charge."

Based on his clear MLC, it's a power play. Who is in charge here, and how much BS can I get away with.

These things play into each other.
I really hate to tell someone something that might generate conflict, but you should call him on it unless he contacts you with a request first.

I mean to say that if he contacts you a reasonable time prior, say a couple of weeks / days, depending on the situation, and asks for a change that doesn't screw up your schedule, agree each and every time. If it has the least negative impact on you, decline the change, tell him that it doesn't fit in with your plans. Being agreeable whenever possible makes it clear that when you decline, it's for a real reason, not just nastiness.

If Marc broaches a subject like that, call the X, resolve it with the absolute calm and grace that we know you are capable of, and tell him that you will not communicate through Marc b/c it is not good for Marc.



I'm lucky, I've only had to draw a couple of boundaries since the D, mostly b/c the first 2 were "I'll walk away or hang up if you talk to me like that," and no contact if it doesn't have to do with the kids.

Drawing boundaries is unbelievably frightening. Talk about being out on a limb, WOW.

Most of us have spent the past several years kowtowing to them in order to save our marriage!



Just food for thought, I go way out of my way to give the X EVERY consideration for custody / visitation / other issues, (which hasn't been reciprocated... soon I hope,) but she has been so suspicious of me due to the MLC that she has jumped on every "perceived" slight causing me to repeatedly explain myself to her.

Talk about bad taste in my mouth..... but what's good for the kids? I just keep trying to be the man I was before all of this.

He made the bed he's in, he'll have to wallow in it.

Amen, there'll come a day for all of us though.... God I hope I can be kind.