If your wife doesn't want to go to your Mom's, I wouldn't push it. I had a similar sitch here w/my family yesterday -- my H kept changing his mind about coming. I told him: "We're eating at 5. We'd love to have you come, but if it's going to work, then fine." He didn't come.
You don't want to force, guilt, shame them etc., into attending these events. In that case, it might go badly -- and if your W doesn't go, you can concentrate on having a good time with the people who are there with you.
The nice thing for me was - no H means no possiblity of drama. In a way it was a relief not to have him there - than I was able to relax and have fun.
Not to offend any of the wonderful women here, but I get a little tired of the DAM comments. We're not all clueless.
Quote:
I can't STAND the "DAM" term. It's disrespectful. At least "WAW" describes what they actually did -- walk away. To call a man a "dumbass male" is demeaning.
Puppy
Okay...I can't stand it any longer!! Just so you "men" will understand this once and for all.....it was Forrest Gump that made up that term....not the women. In fact, people would ask him what DAM stood for and he told them that was his term for dumb ass male. So there!
I don't particularly like being called a wayward wife either, Pup. I feel it is demeaning if a wife is repented and trying and yet still being called a WW. Maybe you see me that way (I hope not).....maybe I see some men as DAM's....but I don't think I have ever called any of them that.
Anway, I couldn't hold my tongue any longer b/c you all were blaming the women when it was FG that started the whole DAM thing.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
As for everyone making such a big deal about the thank you thing...I'd say that's a secondary issue atm.
Well, ain't that the truth!! A lot more has been said about those darn flowers that the fact she may still be clingy to having a "fix" from OM once in a while. Did I just dream I read that? Come on!
Maybe I got behind and lost track, but all I know is that you were talking about making some kind of move that could keep you two apart and it's all b/c of son16? I'll go back and try to catch up....and I don't mean to be making judgments here when I don't know all the facts, but when does a 16 yr old get to make the decisions about a family's move? I know I never had a say about our family moving when I was a kid. Okay....enough about that.
I am concerned about whether or not she is really over this OM. If you still suspect she is getting some kind of emotional fix.......oh sweetie......I am so afraid you are setting yourself up for a big disappointment and hurt. Is it too soon? I don't know. I'm sorry. I'll go back and catch up. I jumped in too soon b/c I was getting .......you know, like Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Okay......caught up. It's not the son.....it's the wife.....and you would be moving back "home" and that is where son wants to go and it's the wife using S16 as her excuse to stay.
Four nights out of every week apart.....
If she needs a male to feed her ego to build her self esteem etc, etc, etc, ........what is going to happen if you leave her for 4 nights out of every week?
I have to agree with the other women here......I think you need to break it down to her in black and white and explain it like it is. Wouldn't it be so sad if everything was on the very tip of working out and then this move distroyed everything due to lack of communication about all the facts?
Oh well, I've said enough. I think you are so tired of all of it that you are almost ready to walk away yourself. I hope you won't.
Take care, Sandi
P.S. TO PUPPY........I don't think I explained myself well about the WW comment. I never remember you calling me that. I am just sensitive about that term b/c of my own guilt and pain. It hurts to hear us called some of the things that we are called, but it is the truth......and it doesn't feel too freeing.....if you know what I mean. Oh shoot, you know I love ya!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Darn....don't they have one of those silly faces with tears going down it's face???
Well, you know....open mouth....insert foot/or feet in my case. I just left and was looking at another post or two.....guess what I ran across quoted by Puppy?
Quote:
We come with two very different, yet equally valuable perspectives: Sandi as a formerly wayward spouse, and me as a formerly betrayed spouse.
Did you see the formerly? Ohhhhh Pup!
(Yeah, I know....shut up and go to bed!)
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
do you have a copywrite on that letter?... It said so much how I feel.. I would Love to use most of it in a letter to my W
Hope things are going good in your part of town..
Doc
All yours Doc. Have at it. I don't know if it's done much good in my sitch or not. I know it had some affect as a few minutes after W would have read it she was TM'ing EGF and her new friend. I guess I should just call the new friend M. Anyway, she hasn't said anything about the note and nothing's really changed.
Well, Once again, I'm just so confused. As I'm sure W is more than ever. Warning, this is going to be long (I figured since Sandi posted to me I'd pay her a compliment by making this post long!)
Yesterday morning W was quiet. We talked about a few things. The situation in India and stuff like that, but she was not very talkative. Around noon S16 took off with a friend and I asked W if she wanted to do a little Christmas shopping. She said "I don't know". I told her, "ok, I'm going to go, if you want to join me, great, if not, I'll be home a little later. She didn't say anything. I went and got a shower and she did the same. I was going to just leave while she was in the shower, but I thought I'd wait to leave just in case she wanted to go, but wouldn't say so.
So she finished, came down stairs, went out and had a smoke and when she came inside I went and put my coat on and grabbed my keys and she walked over and started putting her jacket on. Ok, so I guess she's going.
Not much was said on the drive to the mall area. We went to Borders first and it was like a switch was turned on. We went in and she was a different person. We found the books our neice wants, sat down and had a cup of coffee and talk, talk, talk.
Went to Best Buy to pick up an Xbox for S16 (doing our best to help the economy!), then a quick stop at the grocery. I asked W if she had anywhere else she wanted to go and she said no (another mood swing). I told her I was hungry and did she want to go to get some wings. She didn't say anything. We drove down the road a bit and I said "did you answer me and I just didn't hear you or did you not answer me about getting something to eat". She quietly said "ok".
So we walked into the sports bar and one of the waitresses started talking to me. She's very young, but one time when W was hot and heavy in her affair I had gone to this place and this waitress had seen my Disney credit card and that started a conversation about Disney. Every time I saw her after we would have a nice conversation. So when we walk in, this waitress says to me "hey, long time no see"! We talked for a couple minutes and then W and I went and sat down. Mood change again. W started talking and talking and talking and was like that the rest of the night. I had just planned on eating and going home but after we'd ordered a drink the waiter asked if we wanted to order food and I started to, but W said "We'll order in a little bit". And we sat there for almost 3 hours, watching the H.S. state football championships, talking, talking, talking.
S16 TM'd W and asked where we were and then asked if we'd bring him home some wings. So we ordered for him and then came home. Got home and S16 was watching "Jerimiah Johnson" (his favorite movie of all time, man I love that kid) and W sat down and watched with us. I thought that was big because she's never watched the movie with us because "it's stupid" (how you can say a movie is stupid without ever watching it is beyond me). And we had a good time watching. S16 was being his silly self and we were all laughing and joking while watching the movie. We all went to bed (well, W stayed on her couch) after the movie was over.
So, here are some of the comments that happened during the day.
W: I don't know what EGF is going to do since I'm not going to be in the same building with her for 3 months (I could hardly contain my smile at that one!)
W: I don't know how long EGF will be working at our company (she's a contract employee). Boyfriend is now working about a half hour the other direction from us and already lives 45 minutes north of us. EGF likes what she's doing, but wants to go back to school and find a job with benefits, etc (I sat there thinking, So, EGF is now "in love" with the next BF and is going to use him to pay for her to go to school, etc and then HE won't be enough and she'll divorce him making up the excuse 'I think I discovered I only married him because he took care of me' just like she's made up an excuse with her previous two H's).
W: (after a conversation about the wife of one of the guys that works for me) GF M's ex used to slap her around and that's why she divorced him. It really hit her hard when their D chose to live with her dad. Me: I think men who abuse their wives and/or kids are cowards. It takes a real man to slap a woman around (I had to say that. First, it's completely how I feel. I'd love to kick the chit out of ANY man who hits a woman and second, OMW had told me that OM had pushed her around before and punched a wall next to her head one time which tells me if they lived together all the time he probably would have abused her. And when I sent W the F you note back in Sept I told her that one of the reasons I told the kids was there was not way I was going to let an abusive man [and I use that term lightly] in my kids lives.)
W: (in a conversation about S20 and his new "friend"). Did S20 ever tell you what happened between S20 and GF?
Me: No.
W: I told S20 that GF had TM'd me the other night. S20 told her he knew because he and GF still talk.
Me: I know, S20 told me he talked to her the other day.
W: What else did he tell you?
Me: He told me the other day he'd looked at some TM's he'd saved that GF had sent him telling him how much she loved him etc. He then decided he needed to get rid of those TM's because it was stopping him from getting over her and he immediately felt better, like it was closing a chapter in his life (This is the truth. He told me that on the way home from picking him up from school. Amazing that a 20 yr old KNOWS what he needs to do to get over a former love).
W doesn't respond. We were almost home by that time and it was quiet the rest of the way home but then the movie and S16 being the entertainment.
Ok, I told you it was going to be long. What's everyone think?
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Well, you know....open mouth....insert foot/or feet in my case. I just left and was looking at another post or two.....guess what I ran across quoted by Puppy?
Quote:
We come with two very different, yet equally valuable perspectives: Sandi as a formerly wayward spouse, and me as a formerly betrayed spouse.
Okay......caught up. It's not the son.....it's the wife.....and you would be moving back "home" and that is where son wants to go and it's the wife using S16 as her excuse to stay.
Four nights out of every week apart.....
If she needs a male to feed her ego to build her self esteem etc, etc, etc, ........what is going to happen if you leave her for 4 nights out of every week?
I have to agree with the other women here......I think you need to break it down to her in black and white and explain it like it is. Wouldn't it be so sad if everything was on the very tip of working out and then this move distroyed everything due to lack of communication about all the facts?
Oh well, I've said enough. I think you are so tired of all of it that you are almost ready to walk away yourself. I hope you won't.
Take care, Sandi
P.S. TO PUPPY........I don't think I explained myself well about the WW comment. I never remember you calling me that. I am just sensitive about that term b/c of my own guilt and pain. It hurts to hear us called some of the things that we are called, but it is the truth......and it doesn't feel too freeing.....if you know what I mean. Oh shoot, you know I love ya!
Thank you for the comments Sandi. I know you used to post to me and I completely value your insights. I know we haven't seen eye to eye on a couple things (like exposure) but I still read what you write on others threads because I find so much value in them. I just think that every situation is different and some of the things I've done (and others) would probably not have worked in your sitch and I respect that. But being that every sitch is different, I feel that things CAN be right for one and not the other.
Yes, S16 is not making the decision to move. OMW told me that OM would possibly be moving back here next year this time so I HAVE to move. If W doesn't want to come, so be it, but there is no way I can live here if OM returns. Even if W and I put our marriage back together, I would NEVER feel safe with the POS around her every day at work. And I would SMOTHER her. And I don't want to be like that and I'm SURE she doesn't want me to be like that.
Yes, being apart for 4 nights a week concerns me. I wonder sometimes that my traveling for work so much in the year and a half before our move (and her meeting OM) was a contributing factor to her A. So us being apart 4 nights a week for 4 months or so is not a good idea.
I plan on breaking it down to her in black and white. I haven't yet because I still don't know exactly when this job transfer will happen. I figure I'll wait until I know the details and then sit her down and explain how I'm feeling. In a way, it's good. It'll be my chance to explain my feelings and if she doesn't understand them or WON'T understand my side of things it will be very telling and I will make my decision then as to what my path forward will be.
And you're right. There are a number of times recently where I've been almost been ready to walk myself. But then she'll do something or we'll have a really good day and it gives me a renewed energy to continue on. Thing is, I think the only way we DON'T make this work is if I give up because I can't go on any longer. But the question is, will I be strong enough to give her the time she needs?
Again Sandi, thanks for posting. I really appreciate it.
P.S. To the WW vs. W comments. I feel like a woman (or man for that matter) is a WS until they are no longer in their A. You could make the arguement that a spouse is still a WS until their fog clears. It's the wayward way of thinking that needs to go before they truly earn the F (former) tag. But you'll notice, I quit using the WW term to describe my W after that exchange that went on between you, Pup and myself a while back. At the time I came to the decision to drop the wayward portion when referring to my W because of how it made ME feel towards her, not because of her fog clearing or anything like that.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
And BTW. Just flipping through the movie channels and saw where "The Cure" is on. It's an older movie, but if you want to watch a GREAT movie, look it up. One of my all time favorites. Shows what REAL friends are all about.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
