I would like to give you a little history about my wife. When she was 3 years old, her father killed her mom with a gun and then killed himself. My wife was hiding under the bed and saw the whole thing. As such, she naturally has a hard time trusting people. Today we were talking on the phone and she was telling me that she is never going to be happy and that she is afraid to be alone - that something bad is going to happen to her. What I did to her obviously didn't help the situation and probably reinforced the false belief. When we were dating in the beginning, she had similar issues with me - that it took a while for her to open up and learn to feel safe with me.
I think safety and security are so important. I did a lot of damage in that department and now I feel like I am back to when I was dating my wife. I remember I use to always tell my wife that we will knock down that wall of fear and mistrust brick by brick. It seems like only yesterday I was telling her to take her time, that I will wait as long as it takes and be by her side until that wall is down. I remember I use to always tell her that I am never letting go. And she has put up a wall again. She is opening up to me, but those old beliefs that she will never be safe have reappeared again.
I know that this is going to take a lot of patience on my end. I wish I could comfort her right now and let her know that I am by her side. That she can be safe. She tells me that I will never understand why she can never be happy and safe. I told her that I can never understand how seeing your parents killed in before your eyes feel, but that I know that she can be happy - but that it is a skill like anything else and takes time to learn.
I feel like writing an e-mail to my ex, just about what she said this evening about never being happy or safe. Nothing about the relationship, but just something among the lines of I know how hard it is to feel like you can never be happy and safe and to give her some encouragement that with time and baby steps - she can be happy, etc etc. Maybe that is pushing it and I should just hold back - I don't want to invalidate her feelings after all. It is really hard for me right now. I want to be there for her, especially when she is feeling the way she is. I feel like I am on the side lines. She never saw a therapist for what she saw, so I know that that had a huge impact on her belief system.
Any suggestions? I realize now how important it is for me to prove myself to be trustworthy. I only hope that it is not too late.
