Just me blogging. Today my wife (I will no longer refer to her as my ex) was visiting her brother who just had a second baby a couple of days ago. Her grandma was there also. My wife asked if I could pick up some medications for her grandma and stop by - so I did and stayed there for a little bit to chit-chat. It had been a long time since I've seen her brother. After I left, I cried like a baby. Unfortunately, her brother's house is in the same area as a special restaurant where my wife and I officially became boy friend and girl friend. A guess that brought back a lot of memories.
That said, my wife's been texting me a lot and calling just to talk about whatever these last few days - more than usual - so that has been nice. Well, will talk later.
What a wonderful Thanksgiving weekend! BTW, those "grief bursts" will diminish over time...mostly, as you realize that God is bringing forth a new relationship with your W that is FAR better than the old one! Some of those old romantic sites like the restaurant won't be near as important as the NEW romantic sites like hanging out with your W and her brother and her Grandma...and the new baby. What a great thing!
Praising God Daily, Remaining "FaithfulH" Me: 62 W: 62 D:33 S:30 & 31 Married: 40 Years BD: Sep 2006 Piecing: May 2007 2nd BD: May 2014 Working On It: Today
I would like to give you a little history about my wife. When she was 3 years old, her father killed her mom with a gun and then killed himself. My wife was hiding under the bed and saw the whole thing. As such, she naturally has a hard time trusting people. Today we were talking on the phone and she was telling me that she is never going to be happy and that she is afraid to be alone - that something bad is going to happen to her. What I did to her obviously didn't help the situation and probably reinforced the false belief. When we were dating in the beginning, she had similar issues with me - that it took a while for her to open up and learn to feel safe with me.
I think safety and security are so important. I did a lot of damage in that department and now I feel like I am back to when I was dating my wife. I remember I use to always tell my wife that we will knock down that wall of fear and mistrust brick by brick. It seems like only yesterday I was telling her to take her time, that I will wait as long as it takes and be by her side until that wall is down. I remember I use to always tell her that I am never letting go. And she has put up a wall again. She is opening up to me, but those old beliefs that she will never be safe have reappeared again.
I know that this is going to take a lot of patience on my end. I wish I could comfort her right now and let her know that I am by her side. That she can be safe. She tells me that I will never understand why she can never be happy and safe. I told her that I can never understand how seeing your parents killed in before your eyes feel, but that I know that she can be happy - but that it is a skill like anything else and takes time to learn.
I feel like writing an e-mail to my ex, just about what she said this evening about never being happy or safe. Nothing about the relationship, but just something among the lines of I know how hard it is to feel like you can never be happy and safe and to give her some encouragement that with time and baby steps - she can be happy, etc etc. Maybe that is pushing it and I should just hold back - I don't want to invalidate her feelings after all. It is really hard for me right now. I want to be there for her, especially when she is feeling the way she is. I feel like I am on the side lines. She never saw a therapist for what she saw, so I know that that had a huge impact on her belief system.
Any suggestions? I realize now how important it is for me to prove myself to be trustworthy. I only hope that it is not too late.
First off I am so terribly sorry and saddened that your W had to endure that awful experience. Many (most...all) of us have been hurt by another human being....but, I cannot even imagine seeing the 2 people you love the most in this world die before your eyes.
Secondly, I will start by telling you it is NEVER too late.....to love somebody (your W) unconditionally. Many of us (me included) have said we love our spouses unconditionally. The truth of the matter is that that statement was ALMOST true. We love them minimally-conditionally! I believe the most common condition is (was) "I will love you....IF you will love me the way I want to be loved". Can you continue to show your W UN-conditional love.....for as long as it takes....maybe for the rest of your lives? If you CANNOT....I believe it will be apparent to your W that you are only loving her to win her back. If you CAN, I think she will "know" that you can be trusted and you will see her return even quickly. What a paradox! You can only get her back if you love her without expectations!! You will lose her if you try to win her back.....
If I were you, I would pray about whether to write that letter. I had a similar moment which actually came long before my W started showing any signs she was willing to reconcile. She had told me that she would NEVER trust me again.....and that she wouldn't even DATE me if she met me as a stranger because she felt no attraction to me. She had confided that she believed her "healing" would take years! I didn't write her a letter...I wanted her to see my heart! I started by telling her that I used to say things like I was about to say so she would return something to me....even if only an "I Love You" (in other words, I was being needy). This time (I said) I don't want you to say or do anything. I told her that HER healing was the most important thing to me....MORE important than the restoration of our marriage. I told her that I love her from the bottom of my heart....and I then I said goodbye and left. I accomplished EXACTLY what I set out to do....let my W know that I would do anything to support her healing....even give up on our marriage restoration if that would help her. What was the reaction? Well, not much visibly....but, 4 months later we were reconciled. How long could I have kept loving her unconditionally? I will never know....although I felt like with God's help I could have kept on FOREVER!
I am praying that God gives you that same strength and depth of love for your W.....
Praising God Daily, Remaining "FaithfulH" Me: 62 W: 62 D:33 S:30 & 31 Married: 40 Years BD: Sep 2006 Piecing: May 2007 2nd BD: May 2014 Working On It: Today
Praising God Daily, Remaining "FaithfulH" Me: 62 W: 62 D:33 S:30 & 31 Married: 40 Years BD: Sep 2006 Piecing: May 2007 2nd BD: May 2014 Working On It: Today
Let me just say first of all I always enjoy reading your replies. They are very insightful and encouraging. Overall, I'm doing good. A couple of days ago I turned 30 and my wife took me to nice restaurant along with our daughter. I was pleasantly surprised when she gave me an xperia cell phone as a birthday gift. Yesterday, we were at the mall so my wife could get a haircut. While we were walking,she picked up my daughter and asked for a kiss. As she was doing that, she looked at me and said, "is daddy jealous" as she was smiling at me. I took that as a compliment for what its worth.
I decided not to write my wife that letter I was thinking about the other night - just didn't feel right. I was thinking today about what true commitment is really about. When I was younger, I wanted to have all my dreams and goals accomplished in life. I wanted to have it all. Now that I am older, I realize that true commitment requires you to give up certain dreams/goals in order to have a fulfilling and happy marriage. In other words, you can't have it all and must choose what your focus/priorities in life are going to be. Ironically, while commitment does bear a sense of loss, it is only with commitment do we really find that we have it all. In other words, that sense of loss is no loss at all when compared to what you gain.
Slowly, I'm beginning to dream again about the future and not so much about the big stuff, but the little stuff such as holding me wife at night while we listen to the rain or helping my daughter with her homework when she starts elementary school. God is really teaching me on how to love and how to die to self. This is a process, but one that I am becoming more thankful for each day despite how seemingly difficult it may seem at times. More than ever, I realize that love is a choice that must be made everyday, a choice that is often tested with all of life's inconveniences and trials.
More than ever, I realize that love is a choice that must be made everyday, a choice that is often tested with all of life's inconveniences and trials.
1 Corinthians 13: 4-8 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
Amen, Brother! Rest in the peace that God HAS ALREADY restored your marriage!....
Praising God Daily, Remaining "FaithfulH" Me: 62 W: 62 D:33 S:30 & 31 Married: 40 Years BD: Sep 2006 Piecing: May 2007 2nd BD: May 2014 Working On It: Today
Today I am in a down state. I sometimes feel like I cannot endure this progress. For the first time in my life, I am truly learning to love another person, knowing that I might very well never receive that love back. I am really falling in love again with my wife and it hurts to know that that feeling may never be mutual. And knowing all of that, I have chosen to give my all to do what I can to see my wife be happy and experience true love - even if that means if her happiness excludes me. And in the midst of this process,I find myself sometimes running on an empty tank. I wish I know how this whole thing was going to end, just so I could have closure. I hate being in limbo and yet I remain there because I really do want my wife to be happy, I really do want us to be a family. In the end, I know that I cannot change my wife, but whatever happens, I hope that God gives her the love and happiness I failed to give - with or without me.
Right now I wish I could just escape - that I could go cold turkey without seeing my wife. We have been making what appears to be progress so far. I noticed that she is more upbeat around me, calling me more frequently, and confiding in me more. She is also being more playful too. I feel like we are in the uncertainty stage of dating - where neither of us know where this relationship is going and I am wonder if anything I'm doing is causing her to re-evaluate "us" again. I know that my situation seems like an impossibility, but somehow I am mustering the courage to believe that with God all things are possible.
My wife and I never had a wedding ceremony. As crazy as it may sound, in my mind I have a visualization of us getting married again at a church, with the best part being us reciting our vows to each other. Somehow, that dream is what is keeping me from not giving up. Regardless, my entire outlook on life, on purpose, on relationships - has really changed. I know that I will come out of this a better man that I ever was. Right now I am still broken. Slowly, God is putting the pieces of my heart together that only he can fill.
Ah, I just want to scream. I am really missing my wife right now. I hate this situation so much. It is just really frustrating sometimes to realize that I was the one that screwed things up and that I caused this situation. I wish someone would just shoot me out of my misery (not really, but that is how bad the pain is feeling right now). I've been crying a lot this night and just feel defeated. Nothing seems to numb the pain right now.
Love I have been following your sitch and have to say your progress and strength get me through somedays. Keep up the good work. Hope we all get what we desire in the end. B
