Thanks, I've had help from some great people here, and learned a lot the hard way.
Alex,
You will backslide a times, nobody is perfect. Get over them quickly and move forward. If you have to vent, come here. The less people you tell about this the better. The more people who know the harder it is on both of you.
Stay away from asking advice from divorced friends. On advice too, remember that is really all it is, advice. Every person and sitch. is diffrent, you know your wife and family best.
You focus on you and your kids. If your wife is having a MLC, right now she is not your wife. Do things with your kids and have fun show her that life goes on with or without her. It's extremely tough at first and a little unatural but have patience with yourself, as time goes on it becomes much easier.
I love my wife more than ever,but right now I don't like her at all. I could careless what she is doing right now.
The more they ACT like they are having fun, the worse they are feeling. It is all to mask the pain, and it's pain like you can't imagine. The guilt is huge, don't add to it, you will make her worse.
You are the one she is nearest to. She is showing you how she is really feeling inside. ANGER. She is angry and unhappy with herself and you are going to get it all. FOCUS and if you are a believer PRAY like never before. Take care of you, there is nothing you can do to help her. The more you try the worse it will get and the longer it will take.(I'm sorry, you will find this out the hard way. Everyone thinks they can do or say something that will work at first.)
Do not defend yourself, if she spews at you listen to her and validate her feelings. Her feelings are her feelings, she is just mixed up. You will get angry, your human. Lift weights, jog , do something healthy as a release. Don't take it out on her. The less fuel for her fire the better.
IF it's MLC, giving her an ultimatum will backfire. DBing will work for the most part.
Show her nothing but happiness, kindness and compassion. If she crosses the line and gets real nasty, stay calm and tell her you will not be treated that way and walk away. She will try to argue with you about ANYTHING. Don't get sucked in to the tornado, you can't win no matter what.
This will make you a much better man, believe it or not.
Patience like never before. One foot in front of the other, one day at a time. You can do this!!
Alex, you need to protect your self. If she is seeing OM.
DON'T FUND IT! Watch your credit cards like a hawk. Protect yourself and your kids. Don't show her any books or articles on MLC. It will be a waste of time.
Don't speak with her family about this. I don't care how close you think you are with them. Blood is always thicker then water.
Hi trapt, I'm Sandi. I am not trying to cause a debate or anything, it's just that I am curious as to where you got your information that you based this statement on:
Quote:
The emotional suppression could be a factor. With MLC something happens in childhood that hinders the person's developement. As they mature they carry this inside, it is never dealt with properly until they reach a point in life where it rears it's ugly head. They are then force to deal with this childhood issue. They can't help it.
This is totally new information to me and I would like to read more about it myself. Can you tell me what resouces you used?
Thanks
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Are you asking about childhood issues in general as it relates to MLC ?? It is a common theme. Do a search in the MLC archives, type in childhood and clear out the 1 week date and see what you come up with.
I'm living it.
My wife had a rough relationship with her father. There was never any physical abuse just emotional. A father plays a big role in a childs self esteem and self worth.
Neither of her parents ever validated her feelings, she was taught early on that it was not ok to express her feelings. Her parents reacted negatively when she did. I have seen this first hand with them and my young daughter. I have also heard them refer to my wife as being an "oops baby" (not planned) on more than one occasion. I'm sure everytime my wife hears this it can't make her feel very well.
Her family never communicates about anything on a very deep level when it comes to emotions.
Thank you. I find that fasinating. My parents were very strict on me. No emotional abuse or physical, but I was never allowed to throw a fit of temper or no telling what kind of spanking I would have received b/c they did believe in spanking!! My dad was military and it carried over into his srict teaching as a father. It was "yes sir!" and that is all. He did not believe he should have to explain his reason.....just that he said it was enough. My mother tried to tell him, but he didn't listen. I loved my father, but was actually afraid of him.....afraid that I would do something wrong and get a spanking.....until I was almost grown. He wasn't the type to hold me on his lap or read stories to me. I don't remember him playing with me. He was raised to believe that kids were to be seen and not heard. He never told me anything but one time....and I had better remember it or it was a spanking. However, as he began to turn lose of his WWII horrors and began to mellow out, then we began to get closer. Of course, by then, I was about ready to leave home. We began to spend more one on one time and I learned more about what he had gone through during the war. He had been so young and saw horrible things a kid should never experience. Anyway, it seemed the older he became, the closer we got and I adored him. I still say he was too strict on me when I was little, but who knows what I may have turned out to be like? (lol) The point is that I loved him so much and missed him terribly when he died.
I guess the first thing I thought of when I read your post was that people try to blame something in a fat's person life on their past....and that is why they over eat. I just love food and if I eat too much, I'll gain weight.
Anyway, guess I missed all of that when I was over on the MLC forum. Maybe I make a vist back there. Most people thought I did not have a MLC b/c I was too old for one (lol) but I seemed to have the signs. Others thought it was my desire to escape an unhappy home life. Whatever it was......it was the worst thing that ever happened to me and I never want that again.
Thanks, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Most people thought I did not have a MLC b/c I was too old for one (lol) but I seemed to have the signs. Others thought it was my desire to escape an unhappy home life. Whatever it was......it was the worst thing that ever happened to me and I never want that again.
Hi Sandi,
Age is a common misconception, a crisis is a crisis. My wife is 29. She is near transitional age, She suffered post partum depression, she had a tubal ligation (which along with pregnancy effects body chemistry) we were under a lot of stress due to the fact my mother went into a crisis while my wife was pregnant. My wife also received a major job promotion. (I believe this was due to the fact that work is a major escape for her). These are all triggers.
Yes, In most people's opinions MLC is linked to something in childhood that stunted development. Later in life either during life's transitional points, major life change, or hormonal change it is triggered and forces the person back to finish developing and they struggle with this.
It is a time of unimaginable pain, confusion, and emotions that are out of control. An MLC'er will always place blame on external facters (usually spouse or marriage) instead of looking inward.
How are things going? Are you planning on posting here as well. It will be much easier to follow if you stick with one thread.
I read a recent post of yours regarding finding the boxes labeled. My children are still very young. I do see behavioral changes in them already. I'm not sure on what to advise you to tell your children being that they older than mine.
I'm sure others will help. They do know something is up. Whatever you do. Don't speak to them about anything being wrong with mom. Or say anything negative about her. If she is suffering from MLC they will see this on their own. Make sure you are open with them and let them know it's ok to talk and ask questions. They need you now more than ever.
Be careful not to place them in the middle as well. Like asking them questions about what mom said or did or where she went. This will do them harm.
Just a reminder, It sounds like you have a handle on things. I'll try to catch up on your other thread.
I know I'm all over the board (literally and figuratively), just not sure which is the right "home" for my sitch (unfortunately, it has too many dimensions to it and I don't know the best spot -- WAW?, MLC?, both? Infidelity)... So, I apologize for posting in different places... I'm new to this and don't fully understand the proper protocol; as long as I've been in it, I'm still trying to diagnose it...
With respect to the kids, that's part of what's killing me. They've been acting better than ever (we used to argue a lot and, I'm sure, now that we don't fight, they feel more secure, when, ironically, that's because my wife has "let go"). They comment on how much nicer I've been (I guess the working on me part has worked for them) and just how nice it is that I've been around more (one of my wife's old complaints was how I was never around for dinner -- so now I am, which probably doesn't work for her, but does for the kids!). She also says things to them that, to me, are very misleading (Mommy and Daddy working on not fighting as much... We aren't working on anything. I have been, but she just wants to be able to say she tried, as it was token effort at best) so when she does drop the news on them, they will be all the more devastated. She really hasn't a clue about how it could effect them. But, you're right, at some level I'm sure they perceive that things aren't right. Also, as I've posted elsewhere (since I've posted too many places), my oldest son is bipolar. The deck is stacked against him to begin with.
I honestly don't feel angry about the affair(s?) any more, but I must admit I resentful for the kids' sake about how dismissive my wife is about the repurcussions of the road she wants to take. Yeah, it's not a foregone conclusion that they can adjust, but with what's being modelled for them about commitment, I am worried about their future love lives, too.
-AlexEN
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