Just some journaling today (fortunately I stopped thinking about how I can fix my M):
W called again this morning just to let me know that no changes have occurred. That is the positive side. Then she said she was going to go out this afternoon. So my alarm bells went off. Is she going to meet OM? Fortunately, I could stop myself from asking any questions, even though it is a nagging thought. I keep telling myself I cannot control her behavior...
So I decided to go for a run (another 7.5 miles, so a total of 24 miles this week so far). The heart rate is still high (maybe the main reason for that is the emotional stress), but I am getting faster and it is getting easier again. It is strange what endorphins do to your mind. Now I think that she might have gone shopping.
The mood swings are terrible, but I have not cried or truly felt sorry for myself in over a week. I have started reading DR again. Somehow I need to get it in my head: I cannot fix her or our M, I must focus on fixing myself.
AN
M43 W45, M17 S9 D6 Bomb: 11/11/08 EA: 10/26-12/31/08 ? Retrouvaille: 2/13-2/15/09 Healed, but still heading for D My situation
Sounds like you are getting the hang of this thing, but go easy on yourself. It is very difficult to detach.
You are right about the endorphines! So what is your running pace? I am a very slow runner - I can run a 10 minute mile on a 5K but am down to an 11 minute mile for 10K's. But, I do not run to compete with anyone other than my own demons. H is a much faster runner 7.5 minute mile on a 10K. As his depression settled in more and more, he became fanatical about running. I now think it was to get the endorphine rush to ward off the sadness and despair.
I ran Wed/Thursday and am resting today (unless of course I get mopey, then I will make myself run - part of my new deal with myself). I will run again Sat/Sun.
What are you doing to entertain yourself this afternoon?
I have not run a 5k for a while except as an interval preparing for the marathon that I had to cancel. As a training run, I finished it in a little less than 20 min, which I think is something like a 6:20 mile (I am still keeping everything in metric, sorry). My last race before the marathon was a half-marathon (13.1 miles) that I finished under 1:30, which I believe was a 6:48-mile. So my easy training runs are usually 8:00 miles, but right now they are more like 8:20 or 8:25. BTW, I started the same way, just for fun and with my health in mind. The main reason though I started running was because I did not fit in my suit anymore. So the options were buying a new suit or losing weight. I chose losing weight and started running. I lost 35 lbs in 6 months or so. When I needed the suit (for a wedding), it fit, but now it is a bit too large.
Well, this afternoon I took the kids to buy a Christmas tree. They wanted a Concolor fir. After looking around a bit, I liked it, too. It smells a lot like a basket full of oranges, so I hope the whole house will soon smell like that. We have already put the tree up, but will decorate probably on Sunday. I do not know how it is with you, but I started thinking this might be the last Christmas tree for us as a family and I got really sad. OTH, my W used to handle all this during the last couple of years (mainly because I was traveling), especially the decorating part, so it is a 180 for me to actually do this all on my own (with a little help from the kids, of course).
With my W gone, the house feels so empty. It feels like I am losing time, but I also think the separation might be a good thing for both of us to get us closer together again. I am really upbeat about her calling twice already, but at the same time I am a nervous wreck when I think about her being closer to OM than me right now. And I am asking myself the same questions that everybody here seems to ask themselves: how and when is going to notice the new me, the changes that I am working on, the new love I feel for her? I guess the answer is patience and trust that it will work eventually. So I hope the best for you as well.
AN
M43 W45, M17 S9 D6 Bomb: 11/11/08 EA: 10/26-12/31/08 ? Retrouvaille: 2/13-2/15/09 Healed, but still heading for D My situation
WOW! You are a speedy runner. Your easy, get-back-into-shape pace is faster than I will probably ever run. Forget about your real pace. I am impressed!
If you look at other threads you will see that many of us wonder how they will see the changes if they are not around. I think they can feel them. Maybe that sounds hooky but I believe it. Plus, sometimes they do not have to be around to see them. The fact that I never call H or email him without contact from him first - total 180. I do not care what sort of "fog" he is in, he is not braindead, so he notices.
Your wife will return from Germany to a Christmas tree. A job she used to have to do. She will notice. Another bit of advice I have gotten from the good people here. Do not expect her to comment on the changes or give you credit for it. However, this does not mean she has not noticed.
I was just driving home from a movie and got caught up hoping to come home to a message from H and wondering how after 4 months and he is still miserable and tells me he is miserable, he cannot see it was not "us" or at least not "us" alone. I have managed to work myself into quite a foul mood so I am off for a run.
Don't worry! You will get faster! I started with 11 or 12 min-miles, when I was completely out of shape. It is probably just a little bit of talent. As a high school student I ran 3k in under 10 min. Unfortunately, I seem to have a lot less talent when it comes to women and R. My running was, or maybe is part of the problem, at least she felt I put too much work into it compared to the work I put into our R. She is probably right about that. Of course, I never admitted that to her. Giving it up though is not negotiable, it has just become part of life. I know I have to put more time into our R if I want to make it work again, but if she feels she cannot love me because I run too much, then there is truly no hope. I doubt that very much though, because I think her criticizing my running (and everything else I did) was just an encrypted message for saying "I do not feel loved anymore".
I will keep your advice in mind and not expect a positive comment from her. Actually, looking back the last few years, it would already be positive if there was no negative comment. But to be completely honest, I was silent just as often. So one of the things I want to change is saying more positive things about what she does. I need to be careful not to get into R talk that way, but I want to let her know that I appreciate everything she is doing, even now after she has declared she wants a divorce.
I am pretty sure your H is not that far away from realizing that feeling miserable is a bad thing, and feeling miserable alone is even worse. He is probably not quite ready yet to admit that he was wrong (I know because I am a man and it is the hardest thing to say for us). You have done everything you can for yourself to become a better person. He might have recognized that already, but he now needs to admit that to himself and to you. That will take some time. I think women are a lot faster with that.
BTW, I ordered the informational material from Retrouvaille. I had read about it in a couple of threads here, not sure if in yours. I wonder what would be a good time to present it to my W and ask her if she would consider it.
Thank you for stopping by this afternoon. It is always a pleasure talking to you, Beth.
AN
M43 W45, M17 S9 D6 Bomb: 11/11/08 EA: 10/26-12/31/08 ? Retrouvaille: 2/13-2/15/09 Healed, but still heading for D My situation
Thank you for the kind words! It is a pleasure talking with you, too.
I do not think I have any real talent for running. I am not putting myself down, I just don't think it is something at which I was born to excel. It's okay. It makes me feel better and look better. I am more of a born dancer. I danced for years and years. But that is something I have had a hard time getting back into. Not a lot of ballet classes for adults (who are not professionals).
I would love to think you are right about my H. You may very well be right, I just have to learn to have patience and faith. I am not very talented at either of those things.
There are others here who know about Retrouvaille, I think Techguy knows about it. I can tell you that in French it means to find something again. In everyday French it is used when one wants to suggest a meeting point after a temporary separation. Like, "Let's meet in an hour at the park." I know that's not the sort of information you were looking for, just my goofy humor.
Also, I think it shows a lot of insight that you recognize that you need to be more vocal with positive comments to your W. All those little discoveries can eventually add up to a lot of positive changes.
Maybe by the time all this is over you will be running 40 miles a week. With that amount of running, you will get faster, with or without talent.
My W and I did some ballroom dancing, initially so I could handle the wedding dances, but we started enjoying it. Not sure I had any talent for it. Anyway we stopped when I started traveling for my job and never got back into it.
Like many Europeans I have learned a couple of languages in school, including French. So I kind of knew the meaning of the word in general, and I believe it fits very well the objectives of their seminars "finding yourself and each other again". The fact that you knew it probably means that your H is from the French part of Belgium.
I read a lot of threads (even though I do not feel experienced enough to post yet) and I try to get inspiration from all of the long-time posters as to how to do positive things, get a PMA and improve myself as a human being. I am so glad I found this forum.
AN
M43 W45, M17 S9 D6 Bomb: 11/11/08 EA: 10/26-12/31/08 ? Retrouvaille: 2/13-2/15/09 Healed, but still heading for D My situation
I should have known you would know more than two languages. My H is from Brussels but is fluent in both French and Flemish. I am fluent in spoken French but my reading/writing leaves a bit to be desired. I can read a very little bit of Flemish.
40 miles per week - I would be able to eat anything I wanted.
Funny you mentioned ballroom dancing. My H offered me classes a few years ago for my birthday (we were to take them together). Sadly, we never got around to it. I have been looking into taking the classes myself. I think it would be fun and I could have an innnocent interaction with a man (they would have to find me a partner, right). Good self-esteem boost and I would love to be able to tell H, "Hey, I finally took those classes you offered me for my birthday."
As for posting, do not wait for experience, just post your support. It feels good to receive no matter who one is or where one is in this process. Besides, you have already given me some great advice/insight. I really appreciate what you said about H maybe already starting to realize he is miserable but reluctant to admit he is wrong. That thought of yours got me out of a near-funk this evening. I find it comforting to think you are right about that. Even if you are wrong, so what? The idea alone has already helped me, so there you go.
You speak French probably better than me then, because I have never used the language again after high school. I can probably still read it, but speaking and even writing will be difficult.
Journaling:
It has been a busy day. I got up early today at 6:15 for my long run. With 15 miles, it was a rather short long run, but after the 3-week break, I was quite happy at the end. My pace is back to about 8:10/mile (the last 10 miles even 8:02/mile), and the heart rate is going down little by little. I may even be able to run a 10k on Dec 14. The only thing bothering me is my sciatic nerve in my left leg. It has kept acting up since the summer, but overall it is not too bad. The feeling of happiness was almost as it used to be.
After a shower and breakfast, I took the kids and our exchange student for a trip to center city Philadelphia. Even though we live not that far away from the city and have been there quite a few times, it was the first time my S8 saw the Liberty Bell. I just came back and had get back to see what is going on in what is currently my life (this board).
AN
M43 W45, M17 S9 D6 Bomb: 11/11/08 EA: 10/26-12/31/08 ? Retrouvaille: 2/13-2/15/09 Healed, but still heading for D My situation
Here is a tip I got for the sciatic nerve (I have problems with it in my right leg): lots of strength training for the lower abs. You may already know this but it was news to me. Weak lower abs allow the spine to be jostled during a run. This, in turn, can inflame the sciatic nerve. Just a thought.
Sounds like you had a lot of GAL activities today, good for you. I have lived in this country 39 years and have yet to see the liberty bell. Shame on me!
I know what you mean about this board. The people here have been my lifeline through this very difficult period in my life. That reminds me, when I am feeling down, I like to remind myself that this misery is temmporary - it will all be resolved one day. We will not be in limbo forever. Sometimes that helps me get through a rough patch.
Glad to see you are on the boards, it has been quiet and hence a bit lonely today.
