My main thread is over in Newcomers. But I'm going to be attending Retrouvaille next weekend. I thought I would post over here in piecing to see if any veterans had advice.
You could check out the first post of my first thread for the original summary (see signature).
Short version: Fairly standard WAW, bomb Aug 1 (four months). There is no OM to my knowledge and I believe my wife on this. She did have a couple minor EA's around 6 & 18 months pre-bomb.
It's more of a case where she thought she lived in my shadow (stay at home mom, I was a successful businessman serving on several high-profile community boards, etc...). She had low self-esteem and felt she would always be a failure compared to me. So her bomb letter talked all about how excited she was to be out on her own, independent and 'free'.
Appearently, she built up years of resentment and unhappiness. Of course, as LBS spouse this was a surprise to me and the bomb was totally unexpected.
I found DR book about three weeks post-bomb and stopped my pursuing before too much damage was done. I've always kept my anger in check and have never really had any major slip-ups. I've done a pretty good job of self-improvement. Started anti-depressants which improved my personality. Lost 60 pounds and look great. Lot's of PMA and GAL.
I spent the first couple of months being very supportive (but still trying to avoid R-type pursuing). So lots of help and support with kids, helped her move her stuff to her new appartment, even went over and did stuff like plunging her toilet.
Unfortunately, that course seemed to be a cheeseless tunnel after awhile. She had this fantasy life in her mind where she could be independent when it suited her. But I would be 'best friend forever' and be there to help her when it suited her. She decided she liked this arrangement and restarted the divorce action. (She had filed on the same day she dropped the bomb, but put it on hold right away).
So I decided the support was enabling her to cake eat. So I dropped the rope and went fairly dark. (We have kids, so there's a limit). I still display PMA when she is around, but I've stopped solving her problems. I make her initiate all contact, etc...
This has been a more successful strategy for me. All of a sudden, her life alone got harder. Like many WAS, she's been in emotional turmoil since the beginning. Most of our common friends are aghast that she's walking away from her family and don't support her. The holidays are also taking their toll on her. I've heard Thanksgiving was hard on her. (We spent it apart and I got the kids during the day for dinner). She also developed an Ulcer a few weeks ago and has alot of pain.
So she put the legalities on hold (again) a couple of weeks ago. She said she was 'busy with the holidays and was ill'. Nothing verbally expressed about stopping the divorce to reconcile.
Our priest is also not pleased with her walk-away behavior. I went to get spiritual guidance. He heard the story and unilaterally 'called her in' for a meeting. The priest convinced her to attend Retrouvaille.
I do not know how much coercion went on. But I do know that after she agreed to do it, she did spend about two weeks threatening not to go. Then she went to see the priest again in private. When she came out, she agreed to go and told me to mail the registration fee.
We are seeing the same C, mostly seperately. We have had a couple of joint sessions. I ask her to bring up the first topic and both times she said that she doesn't really have anything big to discuss. I attribute this to my improved DBing behavior over the last few months. I'm acting well enought that she doesn't have anything to complain about. But her long-term resentment is still driving her.
So going into Retrouvaille, she is a bit of a reluctant participant. I do believe she may be harboring some feelings to perhaps reconcile. But she hasn't verbalized them. If she does have these feelings, it's more that she's discovered that splitting the family and living the single life sucks. But she still has anger and resentment towards me. At best, I'm now the lesser of two evils.
Any advice? I have no idea what to expect.
My thread, Carpe Diem #4 Orig Thread: Carpe Diem #1
