What the heck is it with him and not picking up the phone? That's completely childish and ridiculous.
Well then, email him and tell him you need to discuss the mortgage situation at least over the phone. Give him 3 choices of times to call you and tell him to choose one. That's my only suggestion for getting around that one.
Chin up darlin' and enjoy that face mask! I'm on my way out the door in a few to my second job - ah, the glamorous life!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Gosh, I didn't realise he wouldn't pick up the phone, although thinking about it, you DID tell me. Sorry for not remembering. I guess as an alternative to e-mailing, you could leave a voicemail message and see whether he responds.
Interesting that he doesn't pick up- probably some guilt more than anything given that you're not pursuing him in any way, shape or form. He' so far into the tunnel he's probably nearly all the way to France by now. On the plus side, the fact that he's IN a tunnel means he's going to come out of the other side eventually...
He usually responds to voicemail by a text! Sigh... although to be fair I haven't tried for soooo long.
He seems to have gone further into his tunnel since moving into his new flat and me emailing him, for sure. No answer yet, perhaps a voicemail would be good - it would surprise him and I could make sure my tone was none threatening. Something like
'Hiya, thank you for looking into this, it is really helpful and proactive. I think it is a great potential option but I would really like to talk this through with you before signing just to explore whether there may be something beneficial to both of us. Two heads are better than one and I am aware that this concerns both of us. What do you think?'
I'm straining to be nice... I wouldn't send this till Monday I think anyway.
I like the idea of a voicemail, although it would put you back to waiting again, which is hard.
The voicemail sounds good. I might go for something like "It'd be good to discuss this just so I completely understand what I'm signing" or something like that? Give him a chance to explain the rationale to you without suggesting there might be alternatives.....
Definitely wait til Monday and have a fabulous weekend not thinking about any of this!
Maybe we could ask Essie to create a script for the voicemail, since she is so good at these things!!
Julia, I'm so sorry this happened to you. It really sounds like he is in a pinch financially and trying to "solve" his problems essentially by taking away things that belong to you (the car, your equity in the house, etc).
I would try to keep two goals in mind...
1. STAY COOL, don't let him get you mad when you're interacting with him. If he tries to pressure you into something you're not comfortable with, COOLY say you need time to think it over.
2. PROTECT YOURSELF because it is very clear that H is NOT looking out for you right now. He is only looking out for himself.
I think you can do both these things WHILE still being friendly and validating.
It is EXTREMELY childish of him to shove this Sh!T onto you by text and then not take your phonecalls.
With all that in mind, it is *possible* that from his POV he has already created a win-win situation for BOTH of you with the 8 month break from the mortgage. He might ACTUALLY think that you are flipping with joy because you don't have to make the payments. But clearly it is only a "bandaid" and not a permament solution.
Take care of yourself and have fun with your face mask and magazine!!!
Hi Julia, Just wanted let you know I'm reading along. You have been given some excellent advise.
My guess, the olbivious, is that your H is afraid of you and afraid you are mad at him. Which, by the way you have every right to be! I believe fear is guiding his childish actions.
Essie's advise is right on spot, w/Jody's advise. (I actually thanked my H for making the decision to D). Strange isn't it all this.
You are doing gggreat, keep the PMA going!!!! I love it that his friends posted you a message!
Me39, XH45 Kids 3 dogs, 2 cats Divorced 6/4/09 Tricky thing is not how you live, but how you live with yourself. (POTC)
Sounds like you are doing amazingly Julia. You should be proud of yourself. I like your text message response - I think its good to say that you need to speak about this.
You might not realise it but you are in the position of power at the moment, so you can request anything you like, which of course at a minimum is a phone conversation, but I'd aim for a face to face. And know that you dont have to commit to anything at the first meeting - just gather facts and then figure out what you want to do when you can gets some outside advice and be less emotional (because lets face it, its always emotional to see them).
I really like your text and Lisa's suggestion. Send it when you feel comfortable and ready. Or call him and leave the same message as voicemail - its probably 50-50, but at least if you call it shows you are serious that this needs to be discussed.
T - makes some great points too. The two goals T wrote are perfect and good to keep in the forefront of your mind. He probably does think he is doing you a big favour too.
Some questions: 1.. If you didnt have to pay the mortgage for 8 months could you turn that into a positive? 2.. Are you able to disentangle yourself financially from him - what would that mean you would need to do? 3.. Is there any chance that you could move out of the house and have someone rent it? 4.. In your relationship with H who was traditionally the most responsible financially (I'm going to guess it was you?)? 5.. Any opportunities for 180's here?
(((Guys))) I am feeling a little clearer in the head - the red rage has passed. It isn't often I get that angry...
My weekend was really nice. BodyWorlds was good, not as gross as I expected but a bit weird. I was disturbed by some things but it was very interesting. Today I met my oldest friend and told her about h - she said he was an idiot for missing out on me and thinks he isn't in his right mind... It was lovely to see her but I still cried when I told her. It seems it is still raw and it was emotional telling her. She said he didn't seem the type, that he was so lovely and loyal and the more I read here the more I am convinced there isn't a 'type'.
I have been digesting everthing that people have written and digesting his texts. Thank you all, I soooo appreciate you all taking the time to post. It is so supportive.
The more I think about the text, the more I can see that my h may be trying to help - he is just not thinking long term but crisis people don't tend to I think. From things he has said I think he believes that I love this house - it may be transference because he doesn't want to think about me loving him. He doesn't understand that without him in it this house is just a house, not a home. The mortgage break does suit him but he could have just refused to pay the bills - but he hasn't done that. So I will have to think about exactly what I want and what the options are before I arrange to see him (which I will do) and perhaps we can work something out together. He also may think he is doing me a favour by organising it, but the fact is that he has acted in a cowardly fashion. He doesn't seem to be able to admit ow. As Essie said, I do accept that he just may not be able to answer my email.
I am going to really try and keep all interactions light, friendly and as fun as possible. It helps me as much as anything, I always feel much more dignified.
I have been keeping to my allotted time slots in thinking about h this weekend and when I have found my mind wandering I have stopped myself as I know I spiral. At bodyworlds I saw where my h had his operation and what was wrong with him. It brought it home to me how much he has suffered and how scary it must be for him to think that may happen again. I don't agree with the way he is dealing with it but I understand why he is avoiding it.
Essie, I loved your sister's advice - she is so wise. I love the idea of my attention being special. I always feel as if I am invading and taking up peoples time - I have got this from h's behaviour towards me this year. But I am now going to try and change this. Like my behaviour with h's friend on the train, I was fun and friendly and it evoked good behaviour and response from him. I have been finding this out again over the past few weeks so I am going to carry this on and try and build up my confidence again.
I know we can talk and sort things out together, we did this a few months ago and we also had lots of fun that evening. I'm going to try this again. I also think that the ow may be more controlling than I thought. I do think she is influencing h's behaviour. I'm sure she would not like to think of h having contact with me, especially having fun with me. I think this is a time when you are all right. I can listen and validate, but also look out for me too. I am determined that I will protect myself financially. I need to make wise choices in this respect as it is my future - with or without my h. We need to make wise choices about our money and assets together, reagrdless of other factor.
T, I loved your two goals. I am going to adhere to them. You are right too Essie that I am in a position of power and can request a meeting. I am going to take a little longer to think through my options, I need a little more time to simmer and digest too.
I answer to your questions Essie 1. If you didnt have to pay the mortgage for 8 months could you turn that into a positive? Yes, I could save up to go away travelling and I could afford driving lessons. 2. Are you able to disentangle yourself financially from him - what would that mean you would need to do? We would need to sell the house, that is almost impossible at the moment. 3. Is there any chance that you could move out of the house and have someone rent it? This is a real option I think and one I am seriously considering. I would feel a bit 'freer' I think and no longer be stuck here with the memories. Plus this house is so not low maintenance for me and so far away from anywhere - which not being able to drive is a really pain! However it is cheaper for me to live here and it is a nice house. 4. In your relationship with H who was traditionally the most responsible financially (I'm going to guess it was you?)? It was completely joint. We worked everything out together. Neither one of us had more power. 5. Any opportunities for 180's here? I'm not sure...
Hey Julia... SOrry I have been away.. I was pretty shocked by your H's latest text, not because of the tone, but... why didnt he discuss this with you!?? Me and my ex have property and mortgages and there is NO WAY I would arrange one of those payment holidays without asking his views or permission first. I wouldnt be mad if he did that to me, just flabbergasted I think !
I guess, your H didnt want the sitch to continue anymore.. with having to pay for 1/2 the house and rent (as he says he is going to be there for 10 months), so I guess an 8 month sabbatical is a sensible option.. but to not talk to you about it beggars belief. Also, to text (so few letters) and not put it in a more explanatory email.. but I thikn he texted becuase he probably realises that any email he sends should be in response to yours, so he is perhaps 'saving' email contact for this reply he is supposedly working on!
Yes, selling is highly improbable isnt it, in this market.. so perhaps renting out is a good idea?
So.. have you still not replied to either text messages then?? And if not.. well done on not replying !! That gives you sttength.
How are you feeling about H now? Now that you know he is moving in with someone? You havent really said much about that?
Al xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
On the plus side, the fact that he's IN a tunnel means he's going to come out of the other side eventually... 