I just decided to read your sitch. I am not here for the same reason you are, but I wanted to tell you that 15 years ago, I was WAW (technically not M at the time). I was not happy with me, H was never around, I felt like a maid, cook, and someone that was expected to sit in the apartment and wait for him. I ended up having an A that almost split us up. I actually did move out. For about 5 hours. Was setting up my new place and said "what the He** are you doing?" Went back with some excuse to be there, and never left again. At that point, I didn't tell him, I want to come back, I just didn't leave. Things still were really not great, but then I found out I was pregnant. My H changed a lot. I changed a lot. Things were really good for awhile. We have had our ups and downs. H went to Paramedic school and in a year, we spent 1 whole day together. I became very independent. That led to a lot of difficulty when school ended and he met OW2 (she needed him and I didn't), which created about 2 years of strife and aggravation. To this day, my H tells everyone that P school will ruin your life. We never got it back quite like it was before. Up, down, good, bad, EA's and now MLC and I am still here. I almost made that mistake once. If it happens again, I will be very sure that I am doing it for the right reasons and not just because I was lonely, hurt, and not having my needs met. Read Dancing Queen's thread. It is an amazing story.
Somewhere around here too is my whole story. LE can probably find it cuz I have no clue. But mine and MC's show what D can do to children. Please be sure you have done everything before you decide to do anything. Maybe he can help. I'll ask him.
If you focus on the past, you ruin the future. You can only live for today.
Sorry, Alex....I was out for the holiday....or at least couldn't check the board.
I was thinking just maybe an 'in-house' thing where you explain that you won't initiate anything as far as the R goes...but she stays in the house. And you guys can make up your own boundaries that suit you. I was just thinking and typing at the same time. My real thought is how awful it would be to separate and go through all this during the holidays in front of the kids.
I'm mainly thinking of the kids here.
Nothing will really change for you...it just gives her a goal to work towards, or a timeline?
The holiday was weird....and I need more guidance....YEAH!!!
All weekend the H was approaching me sexually. I could tell he really wanted some action, to be blunt.
He would come up behind me and grab my butt, just really in a not-so-tender way at ALL.. He knows I have always hated that. It put me in a defensive mode all weekend.
I told him I was not ready...and I was very civil about it. Not stand-offish at all. THEN!!!...under his breath he said....Get ready for this one..."Well I'm just gonna have to go out and get me some, then"
I repeated what he said in question format...putting a huge accent on the phrase "Get me SOME?"
VERY VERY Attractive...just made me wanna jump his bones right there.
But I still remained somewhat calm and re-emphasized the fact that we really needed to get going on reading that book.
WOW...just when i think i got super bad, i come here and see i'm not so alone.
I will have to say this board saved me from walking out the door. My sitch is OH...so...NOT...better. BUT, I've come to the conclusion that if I'm going to split, I'm going to do it as a DECISION - not as an ESCAPE.
And I will tell you this, too. If I did not have my two kids - I would have been gone a long long time ago. I'd have no need for support from wonderful people like you.
But please keep checking in!! I need all the help I can get.
I think her intent is to wait out the holidays then drop the bomb on the kids (although my oldest, who is bi-polar, has birthday on 2/1). It would suck to have him associate that time of year (just as much as the holidays) with what she wants to lay on them. I guess there is no good time, but in his case, it's particularly delicate. I think she should do it around Valentine's Day, given how seriously she takes matters of the heart... Just kidding; it's my macabre sense-of-humor at this time...
Hope you are doing okay... It's so easy to be self-absorbed in one's own travails, but, when I read others stories, I realize I'm not alone and feel for the parties... even the WAWs themselves (as I realize they are feeling their own pain, even though Sandi writes too much (just seeing if she is still out there))! ;->
-AlexEN
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
I have to admit I am a bit confused by your husbands behavior. I get it, sort of, but I don't. I think some guys, me included, use sex as a way to take the temperature of a relationship...if she will do me, then things can't be too bad. So that is one thing. He may be fishing, albeit clumsily. Next, guys DO just like to get laid so there is that. When guys get rejected, they can react badly...plus remember I told you about guys looking for quick fixes, your husband may be thinking he as put in the proper amount of work so let's have some holiday action. Was there any booze involved in these situations? That could help explain his really boneheaded response to getting shut down, in a pretty gentle fashion considering the circumstances.
I think you handled yourself great. It really sounds like you are trying to do the right thing(s).
You know what, if I were talking to your husband, I might consider suggesting a DB coach. Kind of a lot of money to spend but relative to divorce, it is still a bargain. Also, still consider the Keeping Love Alive DVDs.
I am not a salesman and get no commission. The book kept me from getting divorced. The DVDs for some reason communicated things that my wife wouldn't hear from me. I think they would help both of you. The coaching was a waste for me and our situation. I still have two sessions left. I think they could help your husband though. I wonder if they can be transferred. They are already payed for and I doubt I will ever use them.
Hopefully he will read the book. I am hoping he reads it before you leave.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
Alex....I really don't get your W. I don't really understand why she's still there at all? If she's so gung-ho on this divorce thing...what's keeping her there? I just keep coming back to the thought that she wants her cake and eat it too? If I were her friend, I'd probably tell her to $hit or get off the pot.
Down...There was NO alcohol involved. He doesn't drink much. I drink more than him. I said that at the time he was coming on to me...if we 'do it' (even if I wanted to - which I completely do NOT) I'm afraid he'll think that means we're ok, which we are NOT. I told him to take care of himself, but by all means...if he needs 'to GO GET SOME' - not to let me stop him. All I can do is shake my head...
Last night I spent an hour reading the book before bed. At bedtime he said "I really don't know why you're even bothering with that book. You're so distant, especially tonight, I don't see why you're bothering."
1) last night was back to the old routine...school, homework, basketball game, busy busy
2) all he did was watch tv and get upset when me and the kids got too loud for him
3) I told him that I'm reading the book to gain some insight to our situation....
The whole night I kept getting the feeling that he was judging me again. The last two years was all about judging me. I wasn't doing my part to make things better...when all he was doing to me was persuing. But it's only been in the last few weeks I finally have a NAME for it. His persuing includes the accusations of me having an A...(really - if you would know me and my daily life..you would know that there is absolutely no time for me to have an A if I wanted)
Anyway...it seems he's slipping backward, when I'm willing to stick it out and POSSIBLY move forward. I'll take it day by day - because he is so wishy washy with his moods....I don't know.
The advice I was looking for on the sex matters was - What do I do if he keeps boneheadedly asking for it? or coming on to me? It seems like he has zero respect for my feelings. He just "wants some". Before...I would have been guilted into doing it. Wifely duty, ya know. But not now.
Before 2 years ago our sex life was normal. Not wild like topless air hockey or anything!! HA! and not tremendously excellent - but normal.
