Hi Cinders- Thanks for stopping by and for the encouragement. This stage of it is hard but then really none of this is easy.
Yesterday morning I decided to call my H before before my family started to come over. I have to admit he is much better now at answering his phone when I call. I asked if he decided what he was going to do. He still couldn't decide! My H weighed his options painting a somewhat bleak picture if he were to spend the day with me and my family...then presented his much rosier case for flying to see his D. I told him to go to his D's because he wouldn't be happy unless he did. He talked about how if we are together, his "options" are taken away from him and he doesn't like that. I admit I got a bit frustrated during our conversation and I told him that we both need to admit that he isn't coming home any time soon and I want someone who wants to be with me. I also told him as nicely as I could that if you treat people like $h*t then some of your options will be taken away from you. He seemed surprised and annoyed by my comment asking if I think he treats me like $h*t. I said sometimes he does. He told me he had to get off the phone and that he would call me back. I said okay. He called back a little later and told me he figured it out. He said he would come to my house for my house for an early dinner (missing out on going to my father's for a later dinner) and then fly to his D's later in the afternoon. This was an option that he had suggested yesterday...I am not sure why he had to continue to agonize over it.
My H came over and saw my mother for the first time post bomb. Everything was fine...almost like nothing has happened in the last couple of years. It all felt really comfortable and my H even helped cook a little. Dinner turned out great if I must say so myself. Later, I asked my mother how it was with having him there. She said "it feels right". Surprisingly before my H left, he hugged and kissed me in front of everyone.
My H texted me when he got to the airport saying "today was fun". So is this more progress?
My H texted me again from his D's and said his XW was there and so drunk she was slurring her words...lovely!!!
Hi Upside, I haven't read all your threads & will read this one a bit later. Something caught my eye in your 1st post on this & I just wanted to ask a silly question. Do you know why your H didn't have D papers served to you? I only ask this because I'm waiting for D papers & my H has said he's too afraid to have me served.
I'm going to guess that MLCers don't really know what they want?
You seem to have yourself totally together & project so much confidence.
Me39, XH45 Kids 3 dogs, 2 cats Divorced 6/4/09 Tricky thing is not how you live, but how you live with yourself. (POTC)
Upside It does sound like progress glad you had a nice T day and everything worked out You seem to lay it on the line with your H and he seems to hear that and not stray too far keep up the good work peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Do you know why your H didn't have D papers served to you?
Hmmm...this may be a long answer to your question...
My H left in 2/07 and 6 months later he filed the D papers. When my H left, he was very angry and went into what I would consider replay...partying, spending money, new wardrobe, changed his habits and avoiding dealing with anything. Before he left, we had just sold our home and moved in my father's house which we were going to buy (one of the many reasons for his MLC). I didn't want the house but my H did and my father was going to give us a great deal so I reluctantly agreed. About 3 months after my H left, I decided to buy another house that my kids and I would feel more comfortable in. Even though I told my H what I was going to do before I did it, he was even more angry. Also, during that time, I didn't do the best DBing (not that I am the best DBer now) because I cried and tried to reason with him. One day I was pushing for answers and asked him if he had filed the D and he told me he had but that it didn't mean anything because I hadn't been served. I told him it obviously meant something to me. Several weeks later he came to my house to tell me it was over but he couldn't do it. I finally backed off and my H started cycling. The had court appointed a "case management conference" about 7 months after my H had filed...he continue it...and the next one...and the next one...and the last one in Sept. he didn't show up or even call in for so they dismissed the D. I was never served. My H and I have now been in MC since April and the C has stated to me that my H is more afraid of losing me than I am of losing him...BUT my H still struggles with recommitting to the M...and that is where we are now.
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I'm going to guess that MLCers don't really know what they want?
I would agree with this statement in the early stages of MLC but I am going to go out on a limb here...I believe that as my H has evolved through the MLC, he has figured out what is right and what he wants. He just can't trust himself to go there. As I told my H (who is an attorney) on Thanksgiving when he was trying to figure out what to do for the day, I said "You can argue both sides to any case". I believe that when my H dropped the bomb, he worked so hard to convince himself that I was the bad guy to relieve his guilt. Slowly he is discovering that he does really love me and our M is not the source of his problems. But now he not only struggles with letting go of all the bad things he convinced himself that I had done, he also has decided he is likes living alone and not having to be accountable to anyone.
Sorry if I rambled. Hopefully it will make sense to someone out there. This was helpful to me to write out since I am struggling tonight. I haven't heard from my H since Thursday night.
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You seem to have yourself totally together & project so much confidence.
Thanks for the encouragement...I feel like I am anything but confident. That is something I am working on.
You seem to lay it on the line with your H and he seems to hear that and not stray too far
I just got so tired of sucking it up all of the time. I am not sure I can hold much in anymore. My H does seem to take it but then he can crawl back under his rock (or in the tunnel) like he is doing now. Two weekends in a row with no contact.
Once again it's baby steps, not a huge giant leap.
Sometimes I feel like we are doing a dance...one step forward, one side step, one step back, one side step, one step forward, one side step, one step back...we are moving, but are we going anywhere?
My H came over and hung out at the house last Sunday. It was nice and relaxing. My H made soup while I put Christmas lights on the house...kind of funny.
I was out Monday night my H called several times and sent me a text asking what I was doing. I can't remember the last time he has done that...maybe because I usually answer my phone...I think I should stop being so accessible.
Tuesday we met for a drink and something said during caused me to ask why he can't make a decision and stick with it...he talked about how he has issues with finances. All of his excuses make me want to scream. When I left, he said he would call me later and never did.
Wednesday we didn't have much contact...my H busy preparing for trial.
Yesterday morning did something out of the norm and I called him to ask if he wanted to go to dinner. He told me he would meet me but it may just be quick if he had to go back to work. He called me later in the day and told me that this trial is now postponed until Feb. (no wonder our legal system moves so slow!). So we met for dinner. We were having a nice time and most of the conversation was consumed by my H talking about work. I made a huge mistake by asking him if we could continue the conversation from a few days before about his financial issues. I guess I pushed it a little and he ended up getting mad and said okay you obviously want to talk about so let's talk. He complained about how he just wanted to relax because he was so stressed about this trial and now that stress is lifted. I made another mistake by trying to change the subject to New Year's and asked if we could do something. He asked what. I told him I didn't know. He seemed irritated that I was talking about it. The whole evening went downhill from there. He was mad. I was hurt. I told him that I don't want to do this anymore. When he walked me to my car, he hugged me and I just lost it. I started sobbing. I told him that I want someone who wants to be with me. He said he does otherwise he wouldn't be there. My H just said he would come over Sat and we could just start over. He called me on the way home but he didn't want to really talk about anything.
My H's work schedule and how he uses it to keep distance between us, frustrates me. He got this little reprieve since he won't be in trial now until Jan. so I guess I feel like if something doesn't change now, nothing will change for many more months. I'm trying not to feel that way but I do. I know I need to let it go if I can...I am working on it but it is hard. Sometimes I just want to tell him to come home or let me go.
Sorry Upside. I do remember not too long ago that I was more in your shoes and wanting to talk and wanting more. For me, the fact that I stopped those kinds of convos helped tremendously. I don't ? what we are doing anymore.
I see more progress now and as he feels more comfortable I think it draws him near. If you stop the convos do you think it will help you and your h?
Your h is making an effort, not the way you would like, but he is making an effort. Bite that tongue and enjoy your h for what he can offer right now or say h I am done and then move on. You do have 2 choices.
I do think Upside if you let go of the convos you will do and feel better. Keep in mind your h could be away for another year. Is he worth waiting for him to finish going through this crisis? Keep in mind when these convos happen you take 2 steps back.
Think of your h as a date. Would you have those convos with a date. Probably not. I know not easy, but I think as we let go more and more it does get easier.
Me 50 H 42 S 22 S 9 D 7 M 12 T 17 H moved out 8/2006 H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks H moved home 5/2011 for good
"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
I agree 100% with glamgirl. I see a pattern with your h- everything seems fine until you start a difficult conversation and then he gets stressed and you get disappointed. I think he wants to spend time with you, but he wants to be able to relax and not talk about the "heavy" things unless you're in C. Can you try to wait until C to have any kind of R talk?
My H weighed his options painting a somewhat bleak picture if he were to spend the day with me and my family...then presented his much rosier case for flying to see his D. I told him to go to his D's because he wouldn't be happy unless he did. He talked about how if we are together, his "options" are taken away from him and he doesn't like that. I admit I got a bit frustrated during our conversation and I told him that we both need to admit that he isn't coming home any time soon and I want someone who wants to be with me. I also told him as nicely as I could that if you treat people like $h*t then some of your options will be taken away from you. He seemed surprised and annoyed by my comment asking if I think he treats me like $h*t. I said sometimes he does. He told me he had to get off the phone and that he would call me back. I said okay. He called back a little later and told me he figured it out. He said he would come to my house for my house for an early dinner (missing out on going to my father's for a later dinner) and then fly to his D's later in the afternoon. This was an option that he had suggested yesterday...I am not sure why he had to continue to agonize over it.