Wow guy's, thank you sooooo much for all your help. I have been so confused the past few days I haven't been able to post. I have also just been putting it out of my mind and having a few fun nights out with my friends and have been trying not to think about it other than in 'allotted slots'.
Essie and T you asked me if there was some other emotion behind the car thing? I was wondering about that too and yes I do have strong feelings around it. I am upset about his insensitivity and feel that I deserve better than this, after all it took a lot for me to write that email and he sat on it for a week and then went on holiday with ow and then texted me that weak, patheticness and then asked me about the car without explaining anything. Then my feelings towards selling the car were that the car was actually bought for me to learn to drive on. It was a special car that I have always wanted and we did so much research about what I would feel comfortable in etc as driving is a big issue for me (I got run off the road when I was learning and it knocked my confidence so much and h was so wonderful at encouraging me). We bought this car so I could learn and finally get more independence and then two weeks later he left. It just makes me sad. I got a notice through from the finance people this morning - he is trying to sell it.
Also you asked about boundaries? I am not sure really what boundaries I want to set, and you are right I am probably not in a position to. But I just want him to consider me and show me some respect in that way. Yeah, I know la la land - he ain't going to see that. I think it will be up to me to keep my dignity and so long as I have that I will be ok.
(((Mishka))) - I am going to arm myself with information now, even if I don't let him know I've seen a solicitor. I want to make sure that I am doing the right things so don't jeopardise myself for the future. I no longer know this person well and cannot predict how he will react esp if influenced by ow.
(((Ali))) Thank you so much for making me see that h's text wasn't so bad. You are right, I immediately saw negative because I was so angry. I don't really understand why the car took precedence but in his life I suppose it is the issue that came up. To me there are more pressing things but this is crisis land right? I'm trying to be nice and understanding but really it makes me so cross.
(((Dan))) thank you for saying his text is BS - it so is and it made me laugh to read that. I also thought you were right about him selling the car and it turns out he is. You always make me smile with your posts!
(((Ms M))) I soooooo appreciate you telling me your notes about what Jody said, thank you I really appreciate it.
(((Essie))) Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!!! Just as I thought there was no answer to this you came along. I LOVED your suggestion for a text message. It fits so well with what I want to achieve. I sent it to him last night at about 1am. This is a 180 for me as I am never normally up that late and it may make him wonder. I also love the way it puts the ball back in his court and shows my GALing which I have been also portraying through my FB page. You never know, it may or may not have an impact and it is also good as I have been in my shell for ages so it is good to come out of that and make contact with people again.
Also, thank you so much for your advice about preparing myself for his email. I will certainly follow that. You post was so insightful and helpful. I think my reaction to this smaller matter is weird considering my reaction to other more serious things. I think I had just come to a place where I was stuck and I could see the way through. You have given me fresh ideas and enthusiasm.
(((T))) I sooooo wanted to send a text like that which is why I had just not responded. I followed my mum's good advice from years ago that was 'if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all'. I can't even type what I really want to say to him here. I just can't believe how insensitive he was and the fact that he probably has no idea, or has some but thinks it is acceptable. I really liked Essie's text because it helped meet those two criteria which are my mini goals leading up to friendship. Although I am struggling to remember why I am doing this, but I know I have to keep on and this is the best way for me.
I've never had pumpkin pie before. I'm so excited!!
So, I am having a day working from home today. My trustee is the only one at my work today so I thought she would harass and irritate me all day so I've chickened out and am working from home. Tomorrow I am going to see the Body Worlds exhibition, which will probably make me pass out but I thought it would be a 180 and my friend really wants to go. And Sunday I am meeting my oldest, dearest friend who I see about once a year and I have to tell her about h... hmmmm. I saw her a few weeks after he left last year but I couldn't talk about it at that point so I have to tell her now. Still, it will be soooo lovely to see her.
Sorry for the ginormous post!
Love you all and thank you for being so unbelievably supportive. This board is definitely the thing I am grateful for this year. I don't know where I would have been without it.
Lovely Julia. You are such a sweet sensitive person it shows through your posts. I cant believe its taken me so long to find you!
I like your idea of allotted time slots to think about H - that's good advice for everyone.
The car thing makes a lot more sense now. It is totally natural for that to hurt - and isn't it weird how the 'insignificant' things bring the strongest emotional reactions, but I can be so calm during the major issues.
You know what - I think you should buy yourself a car! And if that's not what you want, then you should be happy because think of all the money that you can spend on shoes and handbags instead of paying off a car! But if you want a car, and you want to learn to drive that would be a really cool independent thing to do!
My little sister taught me the best lesson about boundaries, and it so simple I couldn't believe that I had missed it, when it was so obvious to her. I think it might help you learn how to 'train' a man. So I'd love to share it with you.
The secret is that your attention is the reward for good behaviour. If BOY is being good and doing nice things GIRL is so attentive and complimentary and fun to be around. If BOY is being bad, GIRL is unavailable. GIRL is NOT moody or cranky, she just removes herself from BOY, so that he misses out on her wonderful attention. When GIRL decides that she would like to see BOY it's not big deal, there is no big RELATIONSHIP talk. Simple huh?
Honestly you should see how the guys fall over my sister. After one of these incidents where my sister ignored BOY for a few hours and stayed with a friend and made out that she was having a fantastic time. BOY cleaned her car, took her out for dinner, and promised that he would never do the bad thing again!!
The trick is how do we do this in our situations. I think the first key is that you have to make your attention really good, something that H would actually enjoy interacting with. But also let him know that he is missing out on being with you (cause lets face it he is!).
Can you accept that your H is stuck and he doesnt know the best way to respond to your email? Can you accept that the wonderful man that you married no longer appears to exist in this moment? (Remember you dont have to like it, but I know you are going to survive and have a great life, even if those two questions are true)
I'm so glad you liked the text! I had no idea that you would use it. EEK! I'd follow it up with a text that you are going to buy yourself a sexy sports car next year! Or that you are so glad you H is going to take care of it so that you can spend more money on overseas travel etc!
A 180 for me (super organised, efficient, control freak, responsible) is to act 'dumb' sometimes, and make H do the work because I'm being so carefree and irresponsible these days! Mwhahahah (evil laugh!) H has paid my health insurance for over a year because 'oops! I keep forgetting to get that changed into my name; too busy having fun to worry about responsible things like health insurance'!
That you were so upset makes so much more sense now that I know that he bought the car especially for you to learn to drive, and that it was a special car that you picked out together. what a schmuck!! I LOVE Essie's idea that if you wanted one, you should buy yourself a car and learn to drive on it! that would be such an awesome, ballsy 180!
It would be nice to create rules for the WA's behavior but I don't think it would work in any situations. Even if we tried it would almost just give them a roadmap for how to make us really pissed off. Like Essie said, it seems we just have to prepared for them to give us the worst possible news at the worst possible time in the worst possible medium.
I think it is really interesting you couldn't tell oldest, dearest friend about H after the bomb! In my case it was seriously almost the ONLY thing I could talk about, with anyone I was close to!!
Sorry, I am venting/ ranting as I have no where else to do this without getting the 'you need to get a divorce speech'.
I just got a text from h saying
'Hi, just to let you know... I've spoken to (our mortgage broker) and set up a payment holiday. Basically we won't have to pay any mortgage for the next 8 months. THought that might be a wellcome relief for both. There's a form to fill in, if it comes to me I'll sign it then send it onto you. Hope this sounds ok.'
Just to 'let me know'!!! No it bloody doesn't sound ok!! 8 months of interest building up. 8 months of more limbo of me on my own in this house while he shacks up with her. Making decisions that affect me without discussing it with me. 8 months break from the mortgage will not be a 'welcome relief' for me. I am perfectly capable of paying my share of the mortgage - he is obviously not because he walked away from his responsibilities and took on new ones without thinking of the consequences. Now he's realised he is paying out too much so is side-lining me and racking up more debt for us both. He never sees these things (credit cards, mortgage payment breaks etc) as debt. Yes, we can pay it off when we sell the house but that all means less equity. Not a problem to him as his parents will top it up. HUGE problem for me as some of us don't have a mummy and daddy to save them.
Sorry for the expression of anger. WTF is he thinking?! Not longer term that's for sure. He will still have to deal with this in 8 months!
Now I have a headache...
(((T, Essie))) sorry, I loved what you had to say and I was just about to post back and this came. I will when I am calmer.
Yes, total schmuck! I'm so sorry he is jerking your chain about all of this.
Yes, he's gotten himself in over his head with his finances and is hoping that your sweet nature will allow him to steamroll over the fact that the interest will keep piling up for the next 8 months. You have to remember though that he is not considering your best interests at all. It's all about him and his needs and wants. You are the "complication" he still has to deal with because of legal issues.
Put your foot down Julia. I know you still love your H and want him to want you too, however he is walking on you love. He is using your love for him to play you a fool. Don't sign this paper unless you can see that it will be an advantage to you in the long run. Remember, you have the advantage of being able to think things through with a clearer head. He's lost in his fog and his apparent OW. His life should be difficult. He should be having a hard time making ends meet. Look what he chose to do. His bad choices need to bit him in the butt so let them.
I know, this sounds really angry doesn't it. I'm angry for you and what he is doing to you. First, he wants to sell the car that was bought for you to learn to drive now he wants to hold back 8 months of house payments because he got in over his head and expects you to look favorably on eating that much interest. The man is clueless and selfish!!!!!!! Deadly combination!
Some might say that him wanting to hold the payments for 8 months could be a sign that he is sorting through his issues and this would take something off of his "worry plate". I would call those people fools though. Sorry to anyone out there that was already thinking that. I wish it were the case, but this just shows a callous disregard for you on his part.
Strategy for handling this? His text was pretty innocuous in all. It wasn't threatening or ugly in any way so I'd say your response needs to be firm but mellow. Don't respond today or even tomorrow though. Let it simmer while you ponder the possible ramifications for his action. Heck, wait until you get the letter from the mortgage co. They can't actually put this into effect without your signature, right?
And, for heavens sakes, don't text him back. This is not a discussion to be having by text. Why is it that these darned people think that tm is the end all, be all these days? CONVERSATION people. Only by the inflection in someone's voice can we really tell what they are thinking and feeling about something. TM is the chicken's way out 9 times out of 10. Don't let him get away with it Julia. You need to actually talk to him after you come to a decision about what to do about this.
You know your finances. You need legal protection from what your H is doing. Is there any way to do that without a D? I don't know of one here but maybe it's different in the UK.
I have nothing but the utmost respect for the way you are handling all of this Julia. I would say that him moving in with (apparent) OW has pushed him to take these actions all at once. I'll bet she's pushing him. Don't let her push you through him, ok?
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
That does suck! You definitely need to take care of yourself financially and make decisions that give you the most options and control of your financial situation.
I dont think it helps to stay angry - it might be normal and healthy to be angry to start with, but move towards getting over it, so don't call your stupid husband too many names!!
What's your plan? I'm sure you are forming an idea of what you want to happen.
This is an opportunity to listen and validate what is going on in H's life. You might be the one person that he can open up to and share how stressed he is with finances. Also great opportunity for you to thank him for trying to resolve financial pressure on himself and you, thank him for trying to look after you, admire him for making hard decisions, admire him for not just letting things slide but being proactive. I know its really tough when he's making choices different to the ones that you would make, but this is an opportunity to respect your H and create a positive interaction. Which will be a real 180 - he's expecting you to be upset, which is why he probably sent you a text message so he didnt have to deal with your emotions. And possibly OW is already telling him that he isnt doing enough, he's inadequate, he needs to look after her more.
Men's egos are fragile things.
(The turning point in my DB-ing journey was when I got to tell H that I was proud of him for making the decision to separate, and that I knew it must have been really hard, and that I admired him for being true to himself blah blah blah. I could tell that I was the first person that had 'understood' how hard it had been for him too.)
I agree that this is a major decision that needs to be discussed, possibly with someone else as a 'mediator' that is able to look after you and your financial interests.
You do have plenty of time - you can always stall too and say you need more time to think about it.
I think its entirely possible for you to go into this situation with the goal of creating a win-win. Neither of you has to lose. It will mean that you need to really really listen to what his main upsets are (often not the surface ones). And also stay strong on what outcome you really want.
Try and keep the emotion out of it and treat it like a business deal. Men have the upper hand in these situations because they can separate emotion more easily, so having an older male member of your family to guide you through this might be helpful??
Thinking of you Julia - thats a really hard situation, and because H & I were cashed up when we separated it was so much easier to split things in half, and caused no resentments. In fact we've tried to outdo each other being generous!! 'You have that', 'no, you have that'! So I don't really know what you are going through, but I think you are amazing! And feel free to ignore any advice.
Flipping heck Julia- that's an awful text. Grrrrrr
I really like Essie's suggestions above, and I do think you need to see H face to face to discuss (or at least a phone conversation). I don't think he should be able to just sort the mortgage holiday out without discussing it with you, but the thought that he's trying to avoid a confrontation is, IMHO, spot on.
I think you need to set a boundary- finances need to be discussed in advance, at least, but take the opportunity to validate and listen to him. I bet the OW is putting pressure on him, so you have a great chance to be the understanding beautiful one (which will be easy for you anyway because that's what you are!)
L. xx
PS. BodyWorlds is really fascinating and amazing- I'm jealous!
Thank you for being a voice of reason. I am no longer angry.
How do I do this if he won't speak to me though. Do I suggest a meet up? How do I get passed this text thing? Do you have any ideas?
I'm having a pampering evening today. Trashy TV, face masks and Heat magazine! Perfecto!
Thanks
Just a little aside - I got a message on FB from another of H's friends. I think my new photo and activity may be causing a stir. It said 'hey julia. how's it going? like the new hair-do! :-) hope life's treating you alright.' Maybe his mates aren't liking his actions much either... My master plan to be the greener grass - more for me than him!!
(((Mishka))) No, he won't pick up the phone. Arrangements to meet would have to be by text/ email.
(((Lisa))) I nearly missed you there. Isn't it frustrating, there has been no action for so long and now action from him without asking me. You and Essie are both right though, this could be a good validating opportunity.
