How does one get angry at a loved one who is not well?
I started to say something along those lines myself, but I know a WAW or AWAW is self centered to the point she can't think of anything but her feelings and needs. I know if it was some type of "sickness" that it would make it easier, in some ways, for the H to deal with her and be patient. However, I can see how it would be almost impossible not to take everything personal since it is intertwined in the whole MR.
J, I am glad to hear your response. I think that is the ticket in your situation. It isn't the way to go for every couple, but I think it can work here.......for now anyway, if something else doesn't happen to make matters worse. If she feels that the pressure is off of her, as far as you getting your hopes up that she is going to change her mind toward the M, then she will begin to relax more and you can show your better side and be more fun for her to be around. That is when you take advantage of the opportunity to outshine the OM. Not by smothering her or any of the other stuff that has already been mentioned, but acting as if you are her best friend. That is a big turn-off for a lot of H's and they think that "they are either going to be husband and wife in the fullest sense or nothing at all....none of this BF for them!" Well, then most of them will lose. There have been men to draw their W's back to them by becoming their BF and starting a new R with them. The funny thing is that the W really isn't aware of what is happening (I don't think) as far as her being drawn back to him as a wife. She is just thinking that it is nice that they can get along and be friends.
This is, however, where things get complicated. At least to me it does. If you find out that she is still making contact with the OM, and she knows that you have found out.....then you are backed into a corner. You cannot give her "permission" to date while she is M to you! The idea that a woman would even say anything about wanting to date another man some day, blows me away. But, anyway.......how are you going to deal with this? Are you going to sit her down and have a heart to heart and say, "Now W, this is what I need from you as long as we are legally M and living under the same roof, and that is you show me respect by not having an A with anyone". Which she will see as leaving a door cracked for her to still "contact" the OM but she's not calling it an A. Or.....will you say, "Wife, I must have boundries in this R if we continue to remain under the same roof and that is you show me respect by never having any sort of contact again with any other man without my knowledge or in any inappropriate manner. Will you give me your word that I can trust you with this?" That narrows her options a lot. It could also make her mad as her seeing you demanding, controlling, and treating her like a child and therefore, causing her to rebell (like I did) and just get more sneaky. Or, you could say something along the lines, "Wife, I have thought about our living arrangements a lot and I know you are not happy being here. I have no intentions of putting any sexual pressures on you as a H. I know you want a divorce and even though that is not my desire, I will not continue to battle you over it. I will not knowingly apply any unreasonable expectations of you while we continue under the same roof. However, I do request that you show me respect by not continuing any inapprobiate contact with other men and I think you know what type of contact would be considered to be disrespectful to me. I will show you respect in the same manner, and I will make no inappropiate contact with other women while still M to you. In the meantime, I hope we can live peacefully together and even try to be friends. I will not drill you or put you on trial by questioning you about your daily activities, so a certain amount of trust is being used here......if we can agree to these boundries. Will you agree with me to do this?" Now, of course, you would use your own words and I'm sure somebody could find all kinds of faults or loopholes in that example....but it is just an example. But here's the thing. She thinks that you are wanting to be "just friends" until the two of you can get a D. She is thinking, "Yeah, okay, I can hang on that long." Maybe she will even be loyal to the agreement and not cross the line. But, I would not hold my breath. However, you have drawn a line in the sand, so to speak, so she would have to get pretty brazen with her EA or a PA for you to discover it.....and since she doesn't want it exposed to anyone else.....I don't think she will b/c she thinks she can hold out.
The point is this, J. It buys you time!! I don't know the legal stuff where you live and maybe she can get a D in 60 days whether you want one or not.....I hope not. But, even at that.....wouldn't showing her the very best man that you can be for 60 days be worth more than what you have been going through? At least you can tell your daughter some day that you did all you knew to do to save the M. You gave it your best. B/c if she is going to file for D and if she goes through with it......she is going to with you as her friend or her enemy. Some men say that won't be just a friend......and I understand that. But, can you do it for at least 60 days...or however long you have? Can't you charm the pants off her (literally...lol) during the time you may be given to win her friendship and maybe even rekindle a flicker of love? You did it the first time around. Can't you do it again? That is what I am hoping you will shoot for. I know that nobody....man or woman wants to be disrespected and made to feel like a fool. I am not suggesting that you do that, either. You may even decide not to have a heart to heart talk about drawing a line in the sand at all......that is up to you. I am saying that if you do....please be careful how you state your words and don't back yourself into a corner that you will be sorry for later. You sound like a very smart man and I think you are going to make the best decision for what is right for both of you.
Well, I did not intend to write back this soon, but I'm not able to do much of anything today and I happen to look back and there you had already replied.....so I couldn't resist.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
