I screwed up again

[AnotherNightmare]

Just some journaling today (fortunately I stopped thinking about how I can fix my M):

W called again this morning just to let me know that no changes have occurred. That is the positive side. Then she said she was going to go out this afternoon. So my alarm bells went off. Is she going to meet OM? Fortunately, I could stop myself from asking any questions, even though it is a nagging thought. I keep telling myself I cannot control her behavior...

So I decided to go for a run (another 7.5 miles, so a total of 24 miles this week so far). The heart rate is still high (maybe the main reason for that is the emotional stress), but I am getting faster and it is getting easier again. It is strange what endorphins do to your mind. Now I think that she might have gone shopping.

The mood swings are terrible, but I have not cried or truly felt sorry for myself in over a week. I have started reading DR again. Somehow I need to get it in my head: I cannot fix her or our M, I must focus on fixing myself.

AN