My WAW thread #2

[sandi2]

Hi JWM, I have been reading your thread and I was so sure I had talked with you before, but I cannot see where I posted anything. Some of the names and the threads begin to kind of run together after a while. Please don’t take that personally. As others have said, so many of our stories have much in common.

Anyway, if you don’t know me, I’m Sandi and I was an almost WAW. I really can’t give you any wiser advice than what these other WAW’s have given you, but I feel drawn to this and want to add my two cents worth (hush Puppy).

My background and story is too long, but I can back up what my other sisters here have told you. Listen to each of them. My EA was with a man over the Internet that I never met face to face. But it was a very powerful “drug of choice” for me. When you talked about how happy your wife was when you came in from church and even baked cookies……your first thoughts was she must have contacted OM, but you did not think there was time for anything to make that much difference. Those weren’t your words, but something to that effect. Listen to me, my H could run down to the corner store to get some milk and bread and I would break my neck to get on the computer to contact the OM. How long does it take a drug addict to give themselves a shot? It was the same effect for me. Just to hear him say, “Hi baby” made butterflies in my belly. Sickening, I know. But, never out guess a woman who is addicted to getting her ego fix from another man or men. I started out with a list of “men” that I was contacting until my H found out and confronted me. Then I kept one OM and the more my H pressured me and got angry with me and made ….what I saw as “demands” ……the more secretive I became. I promise you that you cannot force her to stop all types of contact if she is determine to do it. She will tell you she has stopped just to get you off her back, but if she has not overcome her addiction or receiving help (willingly) to overcome it……she is still making contacts somehow….someway. I don’t know what her business is or why it is failing…..and there was another person I had read or talk to along those same story lines and I guess that is why I thought I had talked to you. But, have you asked yourself why her business is failing? You said that she only has the daytime to contact OM. So, have you seen in black in white what the problem is with the business? Does she have others working with her? Just wondering if she was using her “work time” for other things.

She reminds me of myself by staying there with you but not seeing a future with you. She is biding her time. She if figuring out how she is going to do whatever it is she wants to do. I am going to tell you something I have never told my H b/c it is so shameful and I would hate for him to know how low I was ready to get. When I was thinking about leaving him………all I had on my mind was “freedom” to do what I wanted to do. However, I was going to move to another town so I could really do what I wanted to do and not have somebody that knew me watching over my back all the time. I was so addicted to the Internet chat room thing with OM until I was actually thinking of leaving my H of many years and finding some hole in the wall to live just to have privacy with a computer and hook up with OM on line. Do you know how that embarrasses me to tell all of you that? But, I will….if it will wake some H’s up. I’m not saying that you have not woke up, JWM, but maybe somebody reading this. Never underestimate the mind of a WAW or an AWAW b/c they are not the women that their H’s married!! I was just like whatdidido when she said she was the last person to suspect of doing what she did. I was exactly the same way. I am surprised my poor mother did not kill over with a heart attack when she found out…..and probably would have if she had known the extent of my addiction.

When you have an AWAW living under your roof, you cannot force her to go to any meetings, counseling, read books, watch movies……b/c she doesn’t want to do any of it. Oh, and about her being afraid when you were acting “upbeat” that she was giving you hope. I went through the same thing. I couldn’t even be nice to my H without him getting all giddy acting (well, he would have if I had continued to be nice) but when he responded by kissing my shoulder……my first thought was, “I knew it….I just knew it! He thinks b/c I said something civil that everything is going to be fine again”. So, don’t over-kill with trying to be too upbeat b/c it will give her the wrong impression. You have to find some balance b/c you don’t want to be all sulked and moody, either.

Why should you be the one to make changes and to have to do all the work and her do nothing? B/c she doesn’t want to. She doesn’t want to save the M. She doesn’t want to be there with you now. If the M is saved, it will be b/c you worked you case off by Dbing. Why can’t she see what she is doing to her daughter and how this is affecting the child? Ever heard of the “fog”? Why do you think they call it that? One of the biggest mistakes H’s make is still thinking that woman is his wife. She isn’t. Therefore, he has to treat her as though he isn’t M to her…….in ways. (Please be realistic with me.) When it comes to drawing boundaries, etc., I think of that as marital respect for each other…….and yes, I agree with it. And, if she steps over that line, I think the man needs to be prepared to stand his ground. But as far as thinking he can treat her as he did before (like he treated “his wife”) I don’t think he can, b/c he is dealing with someone different.

To try to cut this short (ahem) I will say to you in hopes of some tiny bit of encouragement, that I am still here in my M and although it has taken me forever (it seems) to try to get my heart fixed, I never left and I did stop the contact with OM…….but it was of my own free will….not out of my H forcing me (that will be for another long post). The best thing he did was to leave me along. We almost lived in two separate parts of the house b/c I could not stand to be in the same room with him. I felt like I was here b/c I was forced to be here due to other reasons….not force from my H. But, to say the least, I was not a happy camper! However, my H stayed the course. I can see more clearly now, and from the help of the great men here on the board, how painful it was for him and how close he must have come to completely giving up. Out of anger, he told me he would never give me a divorce, but I knew he could not make me love him……and so did he. All I could see were his faults for months while I continued to stay here in a place where I was so miserable. He backed away and politely detached, except when I would make a move toward him. He detached to the point I almost got disgusted thinking, “Well, isn’t he even going to try to change anything about himself?” Man, how sick! Infidelity is not a sickness…..it is a sin. But, I can understand what the experts are talking about, now, how all this EA stuff and even the PA’s are like an addiction. It certainly was in my case. It was new and felt great and gave me what I had craved for a long time. I did not want to give that up. But, I did, with God’s help……and a lot of help from smart people here……and prayer.

If you have the patience, I think you can draw her back to you. But, you may have to wait a long time for this to get worked out and worked through. My stitch was different and my kids were grown. My heart goes out to you. I have to stop……already posted way too long. If I can help in any way, please feel free to ask.

Sandi